May 25, 2011

[Michael knocks on bathroom stall door]

Big Joe Grizzly: Hey, buddy, just to give you a heads up, I got a taco supreme talking back at me, so I'm going to be a while. So do you mind waiting somewhere else and let me pass this beast in peace?

[Michael knocks again]

Big Joe Grizzly: Look, brother... if you're looking for some kind of action, you better take it on the arches before I'm done dropping this load. Or you're going to be one sorry A-hole.

[Michael doesn't leave, still stands at stall entrance]

Big Joe Grizzly: Okay... you just hold on, Daisy. I've got something for you.

[unsheathes knife, opens door]

Big Joe Grizzly: Let me introduce myself. I'm Joe Grizzly, bitch! And I'm gonna cut that goddamn mask right off your face, you...

This is the magical #600 blog post on The Cow Show. Bloggers like to celebrate landmark posts in the 100s for some strange reason – So tonight, I feel like jumping off that same bridge.

[Soundtrack: Blind Guardian – “Mr. Sandman]

To honor the night that started it all, here is a little recap of my Welcome Speech and Introduction Video that I selected to introduce the reign of terror that has taken place since 11/11/09.

So I broke down and purchased an iPhone a few months ago. Without going into too much detail, it has been one of the "highlights" of 2009. On the home screen of this wonderful toy is a 'Notes' app. It basically lets you create To-Do lists in hopes that you will be able to organize an otherwise unorganized life. Immediately after dropping a few hundred bucks on this new toy, I powered up the device and mashed my fingers on this notes thing to start adding random tasks to complete and shit I wanted to do in the near future. First I created the 'To-Do' list. This is where I will list things that I need to accomplish soon, such as pay bills, renew prescriptions, clean house, clean car, random thing that I will not ever do but I'll put it on the list anyways, and so on. Next, I setup a 'Groceries' list. 54 cases of diet pop, Axe body wash, Q-tips, dog treats. Done. After that, I made a 'Goal' list. On my goal list was run a marathon, kick ass on a daily basis, and create a sarcastic blog. Why I put those items on there, I have no idea. But I've got the first one scratched off x2, the second I would like to think I fit in there somewhere, but the third item brings us to where we are today. So I finally broke down and started this shindig up, and lord knows where this will go. This whole internets fad really has perked my interest. And the Marketing/Entrepreneurship degree that’s burning a hole in my wall tells me that e-marketing is the way to go - so I'll give this a shot. I like to write, my ADHD tells me to write, I have a lot of crazy stories I wouldn't mind sharing, and I'm getting bored with commenting on everyone's Facebook status with some sort of judgmental-witty-critical-thumbs up-check out this video-I hate your team-you are a moron-thumbs down-you are a genius-::Insert Family Guy quote or South Park joke here-type of response. So as the Cryptkeeper would say, "Here we go Boys and Ghouls." Buckle up and enjoy the ride. Titties and beer. Hookers and blow. ROCK.

I guess it is pretty cool to know that I have done something 600 times. To celebrate this historic evening, I put together a list of “600” factoids that are actually kind of cool. I challenge everyone that reads this (and yeah, that includes the 2,000+ people that went to my site last weekend to look at the Governator’s Love Child) to memorize at least one stupid fact off the list below and then bust it out in the elevator tomorrow morning in a valiant effort to kill the 15 second awkward silence with a group of coworkers.


Going up?


What floor, sir?


[Pushes button]


[Clears throat and begins to speak in 1940s WWII radio announcer voice]

Excuse me, see, but did you know that in the year 600, Pope Gregory I codifies what comes to be known as Gregorian chant? Bah! Didn’t think so! You’re not gonna get the best of us this time, Hitlerrrrrrr!


[Doors open]

[Moonwalk out of elevator, exit stage left]


· Today is May 25, 2011 so that means that 600 days before today would be October 2, 2009.

· Today is May 25, 2011 so that means that 600 days from today would be January 14, 2013.

· 600 (six hundred) is the natural number following 599 and preceding 601.

· 600 is a pronic number and a Harshad number (603 = 32 × 67).

· 600 in Binary Code = 1001011000

· 600 in Roman Numerals = DC

· In the United States, a credit score of 600 or below is considered a poor score, thus limiting available credit (or requiring the borrower to pay higher interest rates).

· 600 is also the advertised number of miles that NASCAR runs in the Coca-Cola 600, the longest race on any of the NASCAR circuits.

· Facebook Has More Than 600 Million Users

In the year 600…

· The population of the Earth rises to about 208 million people.

· The earliest references to chess are found in the Persian work Karnamak-i-Artakhshatr-i-Papakan, and the Indian works of Subandhu's Vasavadatta and Banabhatta's Harsha Charitha.

· Pope Gregory I codifies what comes to be known as Gregorian chant.

· In the year 600 AD Pope Gregory the Great decreed "God bless You" as the religiously correct response to a sneeze.

Bible stuff

· David gave to Ornan 600 shekels of gold to buy his site in order to build there an altar to Yahweh. (1 Ch 21,25)

· The head of the spear of Goliath weighed 600 shekels of iron. (1 S 17,7)

· A chariot was imported from Egypt for 600 silver shekels. (1 K 10,29)

· The king Solomon made 200 great shields of beaten gold, 600 shekels of gold going into one shield. (1 K 10,16)

· Shamgar challenged 600 Philistines with an ox-goad and saved Israel. (Jg 3,31)

· The Pharaoh made harness 600 chariots when his army dashed off in pursuit of the people of Israel during its exit of Egypt. (Ex 14,7)

· Age of Noah when the flood began. (Gn 7,11)

· The number 600 is used 25 times in the Bible.

· The sum of the occurrences of all numbers of the Old Testament multiple of 8 and written in their cardinal form gives 600 by counting "ten thousand times ten thousand" (Dn 7,10) as being an additional number equal to 100000000.

600 Homerun Club

· Barry Bonds (762 homeruns)

· Hank Aaron (755 homeruns)

· Babe Ruth (714 homeruns)

· Willie Mays (660 homeruns)

· Ken Griffey Jr. (630 homeruns)

· Alex Rodriguez (622 homeruns)

· Sammy Sosa (609 homeruns)

Michigan Wolverines Football

· 600 + 284 = 884. Michigan has the most all-time wins and the highest winning percentage in college football history.











May 19, 2011

RIP Black Dress Pants

RIP Black Dress Pants

[Soundtrack: AC/DC - "Caught With Your Pants Down"]

I’m not a fashion expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I have gone through enough evacuation drills that typically went along the lines of “Holy shit I just woke up and I have 20 minutes to get to work and I gotta look sharp and I slept in again despite the fact that I have a half dozen alarms blowing the roof off my house and I need something quick to get me through this fiasco” to know that there are certain pieces of my wardrobe that are my go to pieces of gear when desperate times come a callin’.

I also know that my favorite black dress pants died a horrible death today. The pants bit the dust after I did my best Johnny Bench impression while saying hello to Bo during my lunch break. Bad News Bears. I really don’t know how it actually happened because these pants were to my knowledge indestructible. They never got dirty. They never wrinkled. I could roll them up in a ball and throw them in the corner of my room and pick them up 2 weeks later and they would be flawless. The pants even had a stretch band thingy built into the waist in case I gained an extra 50 pounds. They would accommodate the extra waist line. But apparently not today. RIP black dress pants.

May 18, 2011

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Love Child

May 17, 2011

Something I Don't Want For Christmas

The "Zombie Shadow Cast" is any wall in my home's worst nightmare. According to the site that sells it,
Cast shadows of a full-blown zombie invasion on your walls when you light up this terrifying Zombie Shadow Cast. This undead silhouette by designer Gabriel Gat uses a regular tea light candle to cast the creepy, flickering shadows and is made from stained and varnished, laser cut mahogany plywood. It's perfect for setting the mood during a late night zombie movie marathon or just for some fiendish pranks.
I have a plethora of weapons that I keep next to my bed that includes a baseball bat, an axe [or maul, if you want to get picky], and even my mitts to take out these kind of shadows lurking around my house. If you're interested in a heart attack, the night-terror piece of wood is sold here. I assume the candle is sold separately. I already dream about this stuff and see it in real life for some reason, so I will kindly take a pass on this one.
May 15, 2011

[Soundtrack: Mindless Self Indulgence - "Bring The Pain"]

The topics of this post include: The next adventurous thing I want to do; Cheese; Speculation on what the Super 8 movie monster will look like [my suggestion]; and Thor. I’ll see what I can do to merge the ideas together in a quasi-coherent ADHD block of text that hopefully makes a lick of sense. I usually try to plot out any blog that I am going to write, but for this one I am going to just sit down and type, throw in a few pictures and YouTube links, and see what happens. Time’s up. Let’s do this.

Last week I went to my doctor for a physical and blogged about how to become disqualified for a blood test faster than The Human Torch can get denied for a bank loan. Anyway, we discussed a variety of topics including the Tahoe Triple that I will run in a couple months. The Man, The Myth, The Legend, The Machine also goes to the same doctor, so he must have told him about such things prior to my appointment. I told the doc about the extra USAF marathon the week before the triple marathon, and how it would all gel together to become the most badass thing ever [see: Quadzilla]. He basically looked at me like I was crazy and was pretty much speechless for awhile. And by speechless, I mean that awkward silence that he sometimes gives me where I don’t know whether to keep on rambling about something or scratch my head and look at him with the same facial expression. After awhile, he asked me if I had any other races planned before the march of death. Immediately, I told him “no.” We continued our discussion and talked about OSU/Michigan. Somewhere during our talk about how Tressel was going to get fired eventually, I interrupted with a “Wait! There is another race I am doing...

...It is called the Tough Mudder. It is in July. Ever heard of it? No? Well basically, it is a 10-mile obstacle course that takes training concepts from the British Special Forces and combines it with a bunch of mud, jumping off cliffs, busting through burning buildings, and crawling under exposed electrical wires. It’s going to be a blast. I can’t wait.” Silence. More silence. Finally he asked where this event was taking place. Wisconsin. That’s right, home of the Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers… and CHEESE. [For those of you keeping track at home, that would be a Splash 1 for the "Adventure" and a Splash 2 for the hankerin' for a hunk of "Cheese."]

Moving on... So, the upcoming events occupied my thoughts this weekend. But there were other questions that needed to be answered first. On Friday night I saw Thor in 3-D.

As I have said countless times before, any movie in 3-D is kickass, Thor included. The only gripe I currently have about seeing 3-D movies is that the glasses don’t really fit my head. That’s not a problem though, because I’m going to take the “glass is half full” approach on this one and construct my own custom 3-D goggles that not only fit my head but also provide the ultimate viewing experience in theaters. This will probably become irrelevant because I got a new @pp for my phone that lets me watch movies before they come out – which completely nullifies the need to actually go to a theatre to see a movie – but we’ll see what happens. Back on topic, the Thor movie was really good.

The upcoming movie that I'm talking about is called Super 8.

In a nutshell, the movie is about a couple kids that witness a train wreck while trying to film a movie and then a monster escapes from the train and does some weird shit and probably kills people and at some point Dayton, Ohio is shown on a map and the monster is never revealed but it is either A) really stupid and will ruin the movie, B) per director JJ Abrams “Is not a monster or alien,” or C) my own speculation. Building off of point C, a couple of things immediately come to mind. First of all, if this is another Cloverfield re-make, I am going to go ahead and put my foot down right now and tell you that this movie is dog shit and don’t go see it. I don’t care if Steven Spielberg’s name flashed up on the screen. Surely, he didn’t pop in long enough with an E.T. prop and bounce just in time to get credit for coming up with an idea for the secret monster. E.T. couldn’t open a bag of Reece’s Pieces with the assistance of a 5 year old Drew Barrymore let alone bust out of a train cargo wall built of steel. So we’ll go ahead and rule that out. So my second thought was that if it wasn’t a monster or alien, then maybe it is some kind of robot. There are two kinds of robots I wouldn’t want to be killed by. The first one is the one the Beastie Boys Intergalactic robot.

Beastie Boys - Intergalactic

This would be like meeting my doom to the late-90s version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. The second robot I thought of was the one in The Chemical Brothers music video, “Believe.”

The Chemical Brothers - Believe

Assuming I was hopped up on LSD, this would probably be my worst nightmare, and the more logical guess of a robot between that and it’s intergalactic counterpart. My next Super 8 monster guess is a 50 foot tall Fran Drescher.

Her super power that eventually leads to the demise of the world would be that annoying “ahhhhhh” sound that she makes. On a side note, but speaking of 50 foot tall women, I read last night that a 1950s Playboy Playmate was found dead at the ripe old age of 82. Her credentials included Attack of the 50 Foot Woman. Cool beans, right? Well, the disturbing thing about this is that apparently her mummified body was found a year after she died in an upstairs room in her house that had a space heater running. Yup. The last monster idea I had was a combination of a Sharktopus...

... and Giant-Squid-Alien-from-the-stupid-fucking-movie Monsters, just not an alien, because that would disqualify it from all possibilities.

That's all I got. I'm out. In closing… thank you for diving into my random thoughts. Adventure. Cheese. Super 8 monsters. Thor. BAM.

May 13, 2011

Jailbreak! (part 2)

iPhone Jailbreak success + wifi hotspot for iPad = happy Cow

Ohhhh yea!

May 11, 2011

Hump Day

Q: Why does a midget laugh when he runs?
A: Cuz the grass tickles his balls!


Happy Hump Day!

S s s s
A a a a
F f f f
E e e e
T t t t
Y y y y
Safe safe safe saftey Dance dance dance dance
Bum bum di di dum dum di bum di dum Bum bum di di dum dum di bum di dum Bum bum di di dum dum di bum di dum Bum bum di di dum dum di bum di dum

May 9, 2011

How To: Delay Blood Work During A Physical

[Note: This is not my tattoo.]

How To: Delay Blood Work During A Physical

Step #1: Don't fast.
Step #2: Eat a high-cholesterol breakfast prior to the doctor appointment.

Here is something I learned today at the good old doctor's office. If you go in for a physical, apparently there is an unspoken rule that one must fast - starting at midnight the night before the appointment - in order to get blood work done. I didn't realize this minute detail, so you can only imagine the look on my doctor's face when he asked me if I fasted, in which I responded with a "Nope," promptly followed with a "... but I did have eggs, hash browns, and bacon for breakfast!"

Now I have an appointment in June to get my blood tested. Yippi ki yay.

May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day!