Mar 3, 2011

The Great Karma Pyramid

I spent the last 24 hours or so of my life heckling Brian about his brilliant t-shirt design pyramid scheme business idea. To his credit, it is not really a full-blown pyramid scheme. But it smells like one. His passion about the idea along with aggressively defending it is the perfect formula for one of the things I like to do more than anything else in the entire world - Crush the hopes and dreams of those poor bastards caught in the entangled web of a pyramid scheme. Early in the day I explained the concept of a pyramid scheme and drew out the air triangle to paint the picture.

"If I sell you a box of widgets for $10 bucks, and you turn around and sell it to your friend for $20 bucks, and he sells it to a friend for $30 bucks..."

:: air triangle ::

"That is what we like to call a pyramid scheme."

And on and on and on. The day came to an end and I swung by his desk to shut him down one more time. At this point, we both knew it really wasn't a pyramid scheme, but now the frustration came from spouting the words "pyramid" and "scheme." I said my peace and left while he was in mid-babbling sentence and skipped back to my desk to shut down for the day.

On the car ride home, I chalked up the day as a WIN. Good times. Stupid pyramid schemes. Hopes and dreams crushed. Evil cackling and imaginary visions of seals getting clubbed danced through my head. I pulled up to the driveway and did my traditional rendezvous with Bo and let him out back. Then I walked to the front of the house to check the mail. And that's when it happened.

It had not shown its ugly face since NYE 2009 when a girl named Karma spit in my face for no god damned reason. But here it stood. On my front lawn with a friendly smile. It was not the NYE Karma. It had shape shifted into the form of my neighbor greeting me with a hearty "hello." After a few minutes of small talk, it finally materialized in one mind-exploding sentence.

"Have you ever heard of Amway?"

No. No freaking way. Unbelievable. Kar--. No. Ugg. Okay. FML. Karma.

Straight from the depths of Hell itself, the Karma gods sent a brainwashed Amway rep to the front of my lawn on the very day I claimed a huge victory for bashing pyramid schemes.

"Yes I have heard of Amway. Not interested."

"Well, why not?"

"I'm busy. I don't have time to think. I get 2 hours of sleep a night and don't have time to do half the things I need to do right now."

I tried to play it cool and reasonable. Big mistake. And here came the script.

"Well you see, that's just the thing. Amway is just the thing for busy individuals."

Really? How in the hell is that? Really.

"I'm sure it is. But look man, my dog needs to go back in the house now. Catcha later."

Exit stage left. For those of you keeping track at home, that would be twice in about an hour that I walked away from someone talking about pyramids and schemes and how I can get throw my life away. Thank you Mr. Bojangles for being outside at that moment. And damn you to hell, Karma.