Mar 30, 2011

Punch-Out is Back

Everyone's favorite ear-biting maniac has finally made the technological breakthrough from the NES to the iPhone. I've been waiting for this magical gem to come out for some time and now it is finally here. I remember watching that Nintendo Power(?) show on early Saturday morning where the red headed dude would basically show people how to beat shit on the Nintendo. The episode where he beat Mike Tyson was phenomenal. I watched it from the luxury of my parent's water bed and almost fell off the damn thing when little Mac pulled off the win and dodged uppercut death blows from a dude 10x his size.

Anyway, here are some screenshots.

I like this jerky comment.

In case you were wondering what happened to all the old school guys, this video pretty much sums it up.

Mar 29, 2011


My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun!

Shamwow Camwow

[Soundtrack: Daft Punk - "Da Funk"]

I downloaded the "Camwow" @pp today. It's a pretty cool photo thingy-ma-jiger. Here are some samples of the filter effects, taken by yours truly, because I have a million other better things I could be doing with my time right now.

Mar 28, 2011

Happy Oberon Day!

It is officially summertime!

The wait is over: Oberon Ale has returned. A refreshing wheat ale fermented with our signature ale yeast, Oberon Ale signals the end of the winter doldrums.

Mar 27, 2011

Chainsaw Trick

This is awesome.

Mar 26, 2011


[Soundtrack: Puff Daddy feat. Jimmy Page “Come With Me”]

There is an unexplainable feeling of impending doom that strikes a lot of people in the mid to late 20-something crowd. A/S/L check? 27/male/Dayton, Ohio/DOOM. Some of the symptoms include: “I am scared of the unknown,” “WTF!” “I wish I could travel back into time and go back to college,” “Why am I drinking on a weekday?” “Why am I not drinking on a weekday?” “My career path is a big question mark,” “Why am I a loser and not going out on a Friday night?” “I am single and my biological clock is ticking,” “Why am I still living in my parent’s basement?” and the closer… “What am I going to do with my life?”

If the inevitable is a big unknown, I decided that I might as well do something about it to make things a little interesting. I found solace in running. So I went out and ran a marathon. Then I ran another marathon, but it was a little less gratifying. So I ran 2 marathons in a 24-hour period. That was pretty gratifying.

Then I ran another marathon, but I didn’t follow it up with another the next day. There are a million reasons why that particular marathon was awesome, but on a personal challenge level, I was still stuck at the back-to-back thing I did 8 months prior to that. Basically, completing something that less than 1% of 1% of the world’s population had completed was getting a little, well, unsatisfying. My goal at the start of this year was to run a triple marathon. 3 days. 3 marathons. That was my goal and what I had planned to do and kickass while doing it. But then Greg Terry told me that I needed to do the “Quadzilla.” A Quadzilla can mean a lot of things, but in this particular case it means running 4 marathons in approximately a week. Coincidentally, the USAF Marathon featuring The Mile #18 Runway Run of Death happens to be the Saturday before the Tahoe Triple I planned on running. As I sat at the dinner table at Harrison’s in Tipp City and listened to Greg Terry’s words of wisdom about the Quadzilla, my mind wondered off to the mile #18 thing that I thought I would only have to do once in my life. I saw the heat rising off the pavement on the airstrip and tried to go back into the mental state that I was in at that moment. At some point, I got too scared and stopped talking to myself and went back to focusing on what The Man was saying. And then I signed up for both races.


The 3+1=4 Quadzilla.

Mar 23, 2011

Zombie Road Signs!

On a dark and stormy December ‘09 night in Austin, Texas, a warning on the side of the highway sent a chilling shockwave of terror across the globe.


As if the unimaginable terror of being stalked down by a zombie wasn’t enough, being stalked down by a Nazi Zombie is taking it to a level I cannot even fathom. It reminds me of a classic example that haunts my dreams from time to time…

Question: What is worse than getting attacked and eaten alive by an 18 foot Great White Shark?
Answer: Getting attacked and eating alive by two 18 foot Great White Sharks.

The outcome is always the same, but given the choice, I would prefer one that doesn’t involve a Nazi or a tag team feeding frenzy consisting of Jaws and a few of his buddies.

Going back to the pandemic in Texas, many questions were raised in regard to how a warning of Nazi Zombies could even show up on such a highly sophisticated road sign contraption. An Austin city official, Sara Hartley (pictured below) explained,

[It was a locked sign, the padlock for it was cut. Signs such as these have a computer inside that is password-protected.] "And so they had to break in and hack into the computer to do it, so they were pretty determined."

So in other words, I could walk up to a road sign with a pair of bolt cutters, break the padlock, guess the computer’s password (AKA “hack”) and type up a message. The entire process could take literally seconds. The password is the tricky part, but I (1) doubt it is complicated and (2) probably is something any disgruntled ex-construction worker/city transportation dude has tattooed somewhere on his or her body. If both of those failed, I could always take a gander at (3)“several online sites that teach people how to break into these construction signs,” as suggested in the article Construction signs warn of zombies.

The Nazi Zombie scare was all fun & games. To my knowledge, no one was mauled by a zombie on that fateful day. Fast forward to last Sunday, March 20th, and a similar warning appeared on the side of another highway. Reports of Tampered road signs warn of zombies, tanks on SC 160
originated from approximately 1,150 miles from the Texas incident. If there were zombies walking around out there, this distance seems like a reasonable amount of territory to cross in a little over a year. I’ll take it. Thankfully, the latest report did not involve any Nazi Zombies, but it did throw in warnings of “Watch for Hunters” and “Be alert for Tanks.”

Anyone outside of the video game world would instantly imagine a reincarnated General George S. Patton cruising down the highway in a Panzer with Robert DeNiro’s character from Deer Hunter and some sort of Boba Fett-zombie strapped to his chest. Not the case here, folks. Hunters and Tanks are kinds of zombies from a kickass video game called Left 4 Dead, which by the way, I highly recommend. It can get pretty damned creepy playing that thing alone in the middle of the night.

Again, many questions come up.

(William Shatner voice) “So… how did… they… do it?”

Good question. Let’s ask the resident construction engineer for the S.C. Department of Transportation, Mr. Ken Wilson. Ken said that,

"It's my understanding that they would need a key to get into the box and a certain code to change the wording.”

Another construction guy, Jason Johnston, positively added that,

[They are still unsure how someone changed the message.] "It wasn’t obvious that someone broke into it. It’s not our board, so we can’t program. We can’t look at the records to see what happened. And we don't know if it was left unlocked.”
That sounds pretty reassuring. If I had to take a guess at how this heist was pulled off, I would say someone probably drove by with their iPhone and “hacked” away at the road sign’s computer faster than that chick from Jurassic Park broke into Dennis Nedry’s computer.

Even more alarming is the fact that

...officials said they didn't contact police about the incident but plan to send someone to reprogram the signs and make sure they aren't tampered with again.

Who cares about the freaking signs?! What about the threat of zombies lurking around? Hypothetically, if there really was a zombie outbreak, and someone drove by and really wanted to warn people about the attack, the city officials would basically pull the plug on the warning and not even have the courtesy to call the cops about the pending Armageddon. Perfect. That is just fantastic.

Mar 21, 2011

Mar 19, 2011

Super Moooooooon

[Soundtrack: Ludwig Van Beethoven - "Moonlight Sonata"]

There is a full moon tonight. This one is special because it is the largest full moon in the past 18 years. Go outside and have a peek.

Speaking of the moon... if you are big on conspiracy theories, take a peek at this video as well.



Sleepy Bo

Mar 17, 2011

Happy St. Patty's Day

Leprechaun in Mobile, Alabama

Mar 8, 2011

Q: What if it were you - hanging up on this wall?

A: Well, you see, Frank. Do you mind if I call you Frank? If I were hanging up on that wall, I would be hoping to God that in an act of sweet, fishy Lent justice that he would put me into a sandwich so that I could start laughing hysterically. At you, Frank. Just to spite you and your damned song that will be stuck in my head for the next month+. How's that for you... you stupid fish? And your stupid catchy commercial. You know, that freaking jingle of yours is right up there with...

and the worst ever...

I hope you are happy now, Frank. You don't mind if I call you that, right?

Lent 2011: What Are You Giving Up?

[To save a couple hours, I am re-posting last year's Lent piece while adding this year's immortal sacrifices.]

Before we get started, make sure you check out my post on the Real Reason Catholic's Don't Eat Meat on Friday During Lent.

Every year at this time, people of seemingly all religions (despite being a Catholic tradition) walk around proclaiming what they will be giving up for Lent. The New Year's resolutions are fading fast if not already long since forgotten and it's time to try out something new and exciting. I'm not going to give you the religion pitch, so don't get those butt-holes puckered up just quite yet...but c'mon people! If you're going to give up something, at least for 40 days, then really give it up.

There are many things people are giving up for Lent, such as junk food, pop, fast food, candy, coffee, sex, masturbation, Catholicism, hope, God, being lazy, smoking, drugs, Facebook, and swearing, just to name a few.

[just kidding]

Traditionally, I normally joke about giving up "hope" for Lent. While it may be partially true, this year I decided to go down a different route. I'm gonna give up the sauce for Lent. That's right, alcohol. Beer. Liquor. Wine. O'Douls. Everything. No exceptions. But wait a minute!? What about St. Patties Day? Nope. Weekends? No dice. Not even a few exceptions? No exceptions. Let the good times roll.

Now here is where it gets really interesting. This year (2011) I am also giving up pop. P-O-P. Pop. That means no beer. No pop. And definitely no Root Beer.

I am also giving up any attempt to figure out this new mouse I bought today. It has at least a million buttons on it. Sorry Meat Paws.

Now there are two schools of thought when it comes to giving something up. In general, I haven't eaten fast food in over a year. However, I don't really consider Sonic, Subway, Chipotle, or Arby's fast food. I did eat a salad at McDonald's one time, so that really doesn't count either. If you want to count this as fast food, that's cool. But those are my exceptions. The fact of the matter is I don't hit up Wendy's on the way home five nights a week or drop $20 on Taco Bell at 2am every Saturday night. So that is school of thought #1, you can give something up, but you can have exceptions. School of thought #2 is if you're going to give something up, really give it up. The point of the whole thing isn't really about how some dude named Jesus wondered around a desert for a month and a half Man vs Wild style, it's about coming up with a sacrifice, being mentally tough to not cheat on it, and to really give something up.
Mar 3, 2011

The Great Karma Pyramid

I spent the last 24 hours or so of my life heckling Brian about his brilliant t-shirt design pyramid scheme business idea. To his credit, it is not really a full-blown pyramid scheme. But it smells like one. His passion about the idea along with aggressively defending it is the perfect formula for one of the things I like to do more than anything else in the entire world - Crush the hopes and dreams of those poor bastards caught in the entangled web of a pyramid scheme. Early in the day I explained the concept of a pyramid scheme and drew out the air triangle to paint the picture.

"If I sell you a box of widgets for $10 bucks, and you turn around and sell it to your friend for $20 bucks, and he sells it to a friend for $30 bucks..."

:: air triangle ::

"That is what we like to call a pyramid scheme."

And on and on and on. The day came to an end and I swung by his desk to shut him down one more time. At this point, we both knew it really wasn't a pyramid scheme, but now the frustration came from spouting the words "pyramid" and "scheme." I said my peace and left while he was in mid-babbling sentence and skipped back to my desk to shut down for the day.

On the car ride home, I chalked up the day as a WIN. Good times. Stupid pyramid schemes. Hopes and dreams crushed. Evil cackling and imaginary visions of seals getting clubbed danced through my head. I pulled up to the driveway and did my traditional rendezvous with Bo and let him out back. Then I walked to the front of the house to check the mail. And that's when it happened.

It had not shown its ugly face since NYE 2009 when a girl named Karma spit in my face for no god damned reason. But here it stood. On my front lawn with a friendly smile. It was not the NYE Karma. It had shape shifted into the form of my neighbor greeting me with a hearty "hello." After a few minutes of small talk, it finally materialized in one mind-exploding sentence.

"Have you ever heard of Amway?"

No. No freaking way. Unbelievable. Kar--. No. Ugg. Okay. FML. Karma.

Straight from the depths of Hell itself, the Karma gods sent a brainwashed Amway rep to the front of my lawn on the very day I claimed a huge victory for bashing pyramid schemes.

"Yes I have heard of Amway. Not interested."

"Well, why not?"

"I'm busy. I don't have time to think. I get 2 hours of sleep a night and don't have time to do half the things I need to do right now."

I tried to play it cool and reasonable. Big mistake. And here came the script.

"Well you see, that's just the thing. Amway is just the thing for busy individuals."

Really? How in the hell is that? Really.

"I'm sure it is. But look man, my dog needs to go back in the house now. Catcha later."

Exit stage left. For those of you keeping track at home, that would be twice in about an hour that I walked away from someone talking about pyramids and schemes and how I can get throw my life away. Thank you Mr. Bojangles for being outside at that moment. And damn you to hell, Karma.