Feb 28, 2011

Charlie Sheen Soundboard

“I am on a drug, it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

Try out the Charlie Sheen Soundboard at www.ebaumsworld.com.

My favorite combo of clips:

Back to Work + Badly + Army of Assassins + Dealing with Trolls + Best Choice Available + Be One of Us + Deep in the Trenches + Be Afraid + Destroy Your Family + Bring It + Boom
Feb 24, 2011

If It Bleeds We Can Kill It

Predator: The Musical. This is so awesome. Props to Mr. Anderson for finding this gem.

Cult Marketing FAIL

This was in the news the other day. People were not happy. I can't really understand how it would offend someone in Indiana unless there is a cult phenomena going on there that slipped under my radar. Needless to say, the sign came down and somebody with a MKT degree fresh out of college is looking for a new job.

In other news, P&G televised a national advertising campaign after I pulled a 224 Kiefaber Real Man of Genius back flip and did this.
Feb 22, 2011

Operation: Ball Pit

Over the weekend I checked out H-IT-Man's new mansion. When I walked through the front door, I immediately noticed a giant empty room that had "BALL PIT!" written all over it. I stayed for a couple hours and talked about kickass man stuff. When it was time to go, I brought up the ball pit idea. It went something like this,

Me: "Can I turn this room into a ball pit and then come over and hang out in it whenever I want?" (In my mind, I pictured sprawling out on top of the ball pit ocean with a pina colada and Hawaiian shirt on.)

Brett: "Yes."

So my mind went to work. I did a little research and crunched some numbers with the help of the math genius A Da Cheeks. Here is a breakdown on the cost to fill up a 10x10 room 3 feet high with ball pit balls:

  • 10 x 10 x 3 = 300 cubic feet
  • 72 balls per cubic feet
  • 72 x 300 = 21600 balls
  • The balls come in case of 500 balls/case
  • Each case is $99.95 (the cost for 40-99 cases)
  • 21600 / 500 = 43.2 cases
  • 43.2 x $99.95 = $4317.84

Source: http://www.ballpoolballs.com/prices.html

To recap, if you want to fill a 10 x 10 x 3 area up with ball pit balls, it will cost $4317.94.

So much for that. Now to look up the cost (as Cheeks suggests) for mass quantities of packing peanuts...

Feb 19, 2011

Kinko's: The Printing Aneurysm

"Express yourself." I'd like to express myself. But I really don't want to get kicked out of your store.

I went to Kinko's today to print something out. It was a simple request. A couple copies. Color. No scaling. The type of thing that should take seconds. An "in and out" job, if you will. Unfortunately, it was not that simple. As you might have guessed, if I'm taking the time to write about the fiasco, then something probably didn't go as smoothly as possible. I'm not a happy camper. If you ever need to print something out and don't own a printer, keep on reading before you head out to your local Kinko's.

Whenever I need to print something, I go through a list of options to get the job done:

  • Do I have a printer? No.
  • Can I print this at work? No. I don't print personal stuff at work.
  • Can I print this at my parent's house? Maybe. But the printer might not work. And I don't feel like driving out there.
  • Are there any other alternatives? Yes.
  • Do you feel like dealing with the shenanigans at Kinko's? [See video below.]

When I filter through my options and get down to the bottom of the list, I pack my bags and go to Kinko's. From my experiences, there are two different ways you can print something out there.

Option #1

If you have a special request that requires a certain kind of paper, they will do it for you.

Option #2

If you just need to run off a few B&W or color copies, they will give you a special card and send you to one of their piece of shit computers - that charges you by the second - to complete said task.

Personally, I recommend Option #1. But let's say you need to print a few simple things and have to choose Option #2. You go into the store. You tell them what you need to do. The store can be empty or packed, it doesn't matter, they will give you a card. You have no idea what this card does. When they gave me the card, I told them that I didn't want to have to pay extra to print out something that was an easy request. They said they would waive the fee. They point to a computer and tell you to "go over there" and print your stuff out. You sit down at the computer. You slide the card and the clock starts ticking. You click a few buttons and the computer boots up. This part takes forever and you can see the money it's costing you in the process. [I actually timed it and it took 2 minutes and 20 seconds to get to a functioning state that I could access the file from a flash drive that I needed to print.] You take a deep breath and print your stuff. You pick up the copies and head to the back of the line at the register. When it is finally your turn, you hand them your card. They charge you for the copies and the time you spent on their computer. Even though it took about 5 seconds to print out your stuff, they still charge you for the entire duration of the creep show even though the original dude you talked to said they would waive the fees. At this point, you can "Express Yourself" and dispute the charges, or cut your losses and storm out of the building.

Option #2 is a little easier but takes more time. This is because Kinko's is severely understaffed and the person that is trying to process your request is also doing about 50 other things at the same time. Here is an example from my experience today. I get to the store. It took me about 5 minutes to find a parking spot. I walk in and get in line. Another 5 minutes ticks off the clock. Finally someone behind the desk summons me. I say "I need to print a couple copies of this out on card stock. The size is 6x8 and I want you to print out the original size without scaling it down..." and then he interrupts with a "well wait for me to get this up. I can't do it yet." Uggg. He takes my flash drive and acts like he is trying to open it up but it takes forever. Then someone else in the back corner tells him that he printed something out but it messed up. He goes over to help them. Eventually he gets back and prints a copy out for me. He hands it to me. "Yes, this looks good. But I need you to print more of these out." Okay sure thing, buddy. [Son of a bitch! I'm not your buddy, Pal!] So right at that moment the phone rings. He walks away from the counter and answers it. Two words into it the phone rings again. He finishes the conversation and hangs up. Answers the next call. The person on the other end had a price quote question for printing out something. He said it was $7.25 per square foot. I'm not sure what they needed printed. "What size is it, 6x4 feet?" I start doing the math in my head while he frantically searches for a calculator. "Okay, that would be 24 square feet. The total cost would be..." I do the numbers in my head (and I suck at math) and come up with $174... "the total would be $174... yes ma'am, that's correct." They must have hung up on him. He hangs up the phone and walks back to the counter. Right before he clicks the "Print" button that I have been eyeballing for what seems to be an eternity, the hillbilly a few feet to the left of me says, "Hey I need to E-Laminate something." Seriously? Try again dude. It's laminate. LAM-I-NATE. Drop the "E." So then the Kinko's guy grabs the card from the guy that was way behind me in line in the first place and proceeds over to the "Elamination Station." He does his thing. Hillbilly #2 made the following comment: "Shoot man, I never elaminate my stuff. I just wrap it up in packing tape. Shit." At this point, my patience is just about to expire. Project "Express Yourself" is ready to commence. The Kinko's guy rings up the elamination hillbilly. Then he finally walks back to my area. "Whew, alright. Well let's head over to the register and I'll ring you up." Death stare. "I need more copies. Click that "Print" button four more times." After a few moments of confusion, I think I blacked out. Probably too much blood rushing to my head. The next thing I recall is the stack of copies being handed over to me. "That will be $6.12, sir."

That is about all I can say. Those are my experiences. The final product meets my standards. Everything to get from A to B is a complete nightmare. The next time you have to print something out, please consider all of your options before going to Kinko's. As our good friend Omak always said, "The choice is yours and yours alone. Choose wisely."

Feb 18, 2011

Say What?!

Feb 13, 2011

"To Do" Sunday

I can't think of a better way to start "To Do" Sunday off than with a breakfast burrito, 44 oz. lemon-berry big gulp, and some tots. Cowabunga.

Feb 9, 2011

Life Lessons with Deputy Cow #4

Tonight's Life Lesson focuses on getting sick. For those keeping track at home, I am finally in the recovery stage of the nagging cough that I had back in late-December that snowballed into the total loss of my voice for the greater part of January. Here is what I learned through the whole ordeal.

First of all, I understand that some people are more prone to getting sick than others. I fall in the latter group of people. I really don't get sick, except maybe once or twice a year, but nothing too crazy. Some people are always sick. I'm not one of those types, obviously. When I do get sick, I try to tough it out, or as Greg Terry calls it, "Don't be a fucking pussy." There is really no need to go to the doctor. I'll just deal with it and move on eventually. This mentality works most of the time.

So what happens when the sickness doesn't go away after a few days?

Well, I recently took this approach:

Prior to accepting the sickness: First, I had a little cough. It eventually got worse and worse until it reached the point where I was coughing once every minute. After a few weeks of this, I concluded that I was indeed sick.

Week #1: Don't be a pussy. Give it a week and see what happens. At this point the demon that took shelter in my lungs and throat was wreaking Hell on my vocal cords. As a result, my voice started to sound like a kid going through puberty. Give it a week. Be strong. I had a holiday day off of work, followed by a sick day, and then my birthday. That's 3 days in isolation to rest the voice. No dice. You're a man, damnit!

Week #2: Still don't getting better. FML. Voice is worse. Everyone told me to see a doctor and commented on how much my voice sucked. Yeah, I get it. Several phone calls to the doctor during lunch breaks led to several unreturned phone calls from doctor after lunch breaks. I kicked it into Plan B and ordered a humidifier online. 5-6 days shipping. All the moms at work gave me cough drops and tea so that I would stop gagging. At this point, the voice thing is effecting my personal and professional life.

Week #3: Finally talked to the doctor. Get some pills that were suppossed to cure whatever the hell I had. The humidifier finally arrived. After about 2-3 days of taking the pills, the voice magically got better. Who knows if the humidifier helped.

Lesson: If you are sick longer than a week, see a doctor. Don't wait it out. Nobody will question your man/woman card.

Happy Hump Day

Feb 6, 2011

Weird Dream

I had a dream someone was trying to hurt Bo. I told them to GFO of my dream. They said they would if I "rolled over." I woke up to the sound of Bo landing on the ground because I rolled over in real life and he must have been laying on my chest.
Feb 4, 2011

Donatello Gets Screwed

Feb 2, 2011

How To of the Week: Slip On Ice

How To of the Week: Slip On Ice

[Soundtrack: Foreigner - "Cold as Ice"]

I wasn't originally planning on blogging about this, but after I saw the ice angel I made on the pavement, I couldn't resist.

To set the scene, I took Bo out for a potty break in the midst of Snowpocalypse 2011. I carefully took each step towards his poo factory out back. The next thing I knew, I was airborne and Bo shot out of my arms like a greased up fumblerooski. When I came to, I looked behind me and saw Bo doing cartwheels through the snow. He got up and stumbled around until I was able to retrieve him.

So here's how to slip on ice.

  1. Walk outside on a giant patch of ice.
  2. Place one foot in front of the other.
  3. Grasp onto anything around you that might keep you vertical.
  4. Take a deep breath.
  5. Think of something random other than walking on a patch of ice.
  6. Bust your ass.

Rant of the Week: Hanging Up A Fathead

This really shouldn't be a "rant" because 1) this was probably the best Christmas present I will ever receive and 2) the act of hanging the Fathead up on my wall hasn't taken place yet. But I'm reserving this spot now just in case something bad happens. The website suggests that the process is a two-man show, so we'll see how it goes all by myself. It's these kind of fuckery situations that gets my blood pumping to unsafe levels, and I'm excited about it. I just unrolled the beast and I'm going to let it sit for an hour before I attempt the impossible. To be continued...


Whew. That wasn't as bad as I thought. I'd definitely go with 2+ people to ease the process, which I guess would qualify it as a rant since I hung it up by myself. But nevertheless, mission accomplished.



Flawless victory.
Feb 1, 2011