Dec 31, 2010

Happy New Years!

Happy New Years Everyone! And remember, it's two thousand eleven... not twenty eleven!

Dec 28, 2010

Losing $800,000

$800,000 is on the line.

All you have to do is answer one question:

What item was sold in stores first?
(1) Mac computers, (2) Sony Walkman, or (c) Post-It Notes

The answer is SONY WALKMAN!

Dec 27, 2010

Rant of the Week: Letting the Phone Ring Way Too Long

If you work in an office setting, I am sure you have experienced this particular rant at least once in your professional career, if not on a daily basis. So let's say you are sitting at work. It's two days after Christmas, and a lot of people aren't in the office because they are on vacation. In one of the empty cubes next to you, there is a phone, and it starts ringing.

Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. RING. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. RIIINGGGGGG.

I'm not sure what the person on the other end of the line's reasoning was, but after the 100th or so ring, and if nobody picks up, it is probably a good indication that nobody is going to answer. Maybe that is just me though. The ringing always stops right before I convince myself to get up and walk over to the phone and hang it up. I always act this out in my head when this stuff happens just to relieve the stress that the ringing caused me. Finally there is a moment of silence. I hold my breath and wait for it. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. There it is again! 100 more times! What the hell!? Seriously? A few hours later, the same thing all over again. Still nobody there to answer. Why even call? Try another number for God's sake. I swear the next time this happens I'm going to take my brass balls over to the desk and hang the damn phone up.
Dec 22, 2010

Mannheim Steamroller

So yeah. That was the sweet pic I took at the Mannheim Steamroller concert last night. If you ever get the chance to see them live, especially around X-Mas time - Do it.

My favorite song they play was the good ole song from Tetris.

And cuz you can't have one without the other...

And the 2012 Nobel Peace Price goes to...

For his humanitarian efforts combined with the miraculous discovery of Champion Beef Jerky and Guacamole world-famous combo... Kyle Terry!
Dec 17, 2010

FAMILY GUY - "All I Really Want For Christmas"

This is my new favorite Christmas song. Freakin' brilliant.

Dec 15, 2010

Not For Human Consumption

Alright. So let's say you are hungry and decide to go to the grocery store to get something to eat. What do you buy? Pizza? Pizza rolls? Chicken nuggets? A steak? Fish sticks? One of those hot and ready whole chickens? Decisions, decisions.

What if while you were strolling through the isles, you got sidetracked and found yourself in front of the dog food sections. You see Beggin' Strips. You see cans of Alpo. You see Milkbones. You know, all that kind of stuff that DOGS EAT, right? And then your eyes focus in on one of the greasy, stinking ass hambones that is a $2.99 fillet mignon for your DOG. Still hungry, you pull it off of the rack and read the information on the back. Wait? What is this?

NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION?! You have got to be shitting me! But the thought of gnawing on a disgusting pig leg that smells like someone's colon exploded in your face was really going to hit the spot tonight. Blasted! Thank God for the warning on the label though, because surely you would have bought it for supper.


You've got to be kidding me.


Dec 14, 2010

Life Lessons with Deputy Cow #2

I once read a book that contained cheesy life lessons and food for thought. It covered random topics about stuff such as what color to paint a wall, how to negotiate buying a car, when to give flowers to someone, and so on and so forth. One of the tidbits was

Don't play cards.

I'm not really sure what my reasoning was at the time, but I decided to follow this rule. Of course, there were exceptions to when playing cards was okay, and most of those exceptions involved magic tricks, college, and beer. But other than that, I stayed away from cards. I survived the online gambling craze somehow. You won't find me sitting around a card table on random week nights with a bunch of acquaintances playing poker and smoking stogies. It's just not my thing.

A new exception to the rule is one that I will have to embrace - and that exception is surviving the holiday season. And that means family gatherings and a little card game called Euchre.

I have no idea how to play euchre. I don't know the strategies, the secret code words, or what it all means in the grand scheme of things. But I do know that I will learn this game of euchre before Sunday rolls around, because I will find myself in a high stakes game of "prove to everyone that you are not an idiot." I am too competitive not to play this game. And if I'm gonna play, I damn well better win. In between euchre games, I will play paper-rock-scissors with little kids 20 years younger than me, and I will beat them at that too.

Lesson: Learn how to play cards. Even if you hate playing cards, learn 'em. Figure out the basics, such as poker, euchre, blackjack, etc. Also learn the lingo. If you hear someone say "5 card stud," they might be talking about the time I held 5 cards, but they are probably talking about something else too.

Dec 13, 2010

How To of the Week: Airports

How To of the Week: Airports

  • Don't be an idiot.
  • Move fast.
  • Figure out where you are going before you get there.
  • Get your boarding pass.
  • Put all of your belongings in the security check-point bins with a quickness.
  • Walk through the X-ray scanner.
  • If you go through the new airport security thing, put your hands behind your head press your elbows back like your trying to pop your boobs out of your shirt. [Seriously. I got flagged to go through the new scanner at 5am and they instructed me to do the same maneuver. After I walked out of the new X-ray contraption, I had to stand in limbo-land and create small talk with the homeland security guy until i was waved to go through. I powers at be detected some sort of "threat" in my head and radioed in to the security guy to double check my head for possible security threats. He inspected my head but didn't find anything. My best guess is that my GOLDEN BRAINS set the scanners off. That's alright, I can live with that.]
  • Figure out the gate you have to go to.
  • Make a mental note of your boarding time.
  • Also make a note of your seat number and boarding zone number.
  • Sit and wait.
  • Get in line when your boarding zone is called, and refresh your memory as to where you will be sitting.
  • Walk down the ramp and prepare to board the plane.
  • Walk down the aisle to your seat.
  • Secure your carry-on bag as fast as possible and sit your ass down. This should take no longer than 10 seconds after you are standing in the row of your seat.
  • Fly.
  • Land.
  • Grab your bag, and evacuate the plane as fast as you can.
  • Stay out of every one's way.
  • Run to your next way point and repeat the steps above or exit the airport.

The key here, folks, is to know what you are doing, where you are going, and to move fast. The airport is not a place to walk around like you have your head cut off and wonder around aimlessly trying to get in other peoples way. Move move move. Go go go.

Life Lessons with Deputy Cow #1

First up, let's establish some ground rules:

Dec 12, 2010

Don't Mess with... Deputy Cow

Yeehaw! I'm back from Texas and ready to introduce a new section to The Cow Show. The latest addition will contain life lessons from the #1 authority in the land, Deputy Cow. Guys and Gals, I give you...

Dec 7, 2010

King For The Day

There is nothing better than getting a massage after running a marathon. I enjoy declaring the day I get a massage as "King for the day." No matter what happens that day, I am King. Yesterday was no exception. In fact, I literally was king because Kathy (my kickass massage therapist) actually gave me a crown after I walked in her office. She even decorated it. To top it off, the damned thing even fit my head. Then I got my massage, which was unbelievable, and my morale when from 1 to 100 in an hour. King. For. The. Day. If you live in the Dayton-area and need a massage, hit me up and I'll give you her contact information. You won't be disappointed.