Oct 18, 2010

Rant of the Week: Annoying People At The Gym

Rant of the Week: Annoying People At The Gym

I have spent countless hours in the gym running around in circles for the past two years. I've shown up at seemingly all hours of the day, from the time they open the doors at 5am to the time they shut the place down at 11pm. No matter what time of the day or part of the year, there is always at least one person at the gym at the same time as me that does something to piss me off.

Here is a quick rundown of my usual schedule at the gym:

  • Walk in
  • Hand the person at the desk my card so they can scan it
  • Go to the locker room
  • Put my stuff in a locker
  • Take a piss
  • Wash my hands
  • Head up to the second floor
  • Grab a quick drink from the drinking fountain
  • Run aimlessly in circles
  • Go down to the first floor
  • Grab my stuff out of the locker
  • Leave the gym
  • Drive home, enraged

On any given day, the annoying person at the gym entered my life during the part of my gym experience that involved running around the track up on the second floor. The following is a mental list I have compiled over the course of two years:

Vietnam Vet that Smells like Cat Piss and Smoke
This dude wears the same clothes (long-sleeve, button up blue shirt and sweatpants) and walks in the runners lane. He is one of the early-birds that shows up around 7am. He wears sunglasses and leaves a trail of cat piss/cigarette smoke behind him that enters my nostrils whenever I am a half-lap behind him. After a couple laps, the smell does not go away. When he crosses the imaginary finish line by the drinking fountain and stairwell, he puts both arms in the air like he is Rocky Balboa and just got finished running through the 3 feet of snow-covered Russian wasteland with a tree on his back.

Off-Duty 50 Year Old Stripper that Walks around like People are Looking
There's some lady that walks around the gym at all hours of the day that pretends to work out and flaunts her leathery fake tanned boobs like people might actually be interested in her. Sometimes she pretends to talk on the phone while "working out." She occasionally does the stretches in the corner of the track where she twists her legs around her head like she is trying to turn herself into a slutty, nasty, human pretzel. Thanks, but no thanks.

Speed Walker that Walks Faster than I Run
There are a couple of these people that find some sort of sick humor in speed walking past me when I'm trying to run. It screws me up because I have to pace myself accordingly so that I don't end up running next to them while they are doing their stupid walking shenanigans.

People that Walk in the Runners Lane
Self explanatory. Lots of people fall into this category. Despite all the signs in the gym, these people break the rules and the blood vessels in my face.

Couple that Takes Up Three Lanes
Sometimes a couple will walk around the track the entire time I am there and will hog up all three lanes so that I have to finagle my way through them every time I go by them. They never get the clue to get the hell out of the way. They always leave at the exact same time I leave, and usually block my path to the exit as well.

The Jump Rope/Body Bag Guy
Some dudes like to bust out the jump rope or punching bag right at the edge of the track. Every time I pass them, I have to keep my head on a swivel so I don't catch a spinning heal kick to the face or a jump rope slashed across my back.

The Track Team
During track season, some large groups of people will train at the gym and sprint around the track in large hordes of people similar to a scene out of Jurassic Park when the plant eaters are sprinting away from the T-Rex. I always get caught in the middle of a bunch of idiots that step on my shoes or rub up against me or something else inconsiderate like that.

The Old Naked Guy with the Locker Next to My Locker
Back when I was training for my first marathon, I went to the gym in the morning before work. I would vary the time I went to the gym at a 15-30 minutes window to avoid the naked old man. He had a locker right next to mine and regardless of when I was trying to get cleaned up and get out of the gym, he completely stood in my way, naked, and did whatever he could to make sure my day started off as awful as possible.

The Sauna Talkers
Also back in the day, I would top off a nice run in the morning by enjoying 10 minutes of solitude in the sauna prior to hopping in the shower. My 10 minutes of zen contantly was interrupted by people that would carry on some loud-mouthed conversation and for some reason would feel compelled to include me in their conversation. If they did not fit this bill, they would ask me at some point during the 10 minutes of peace if I was "okay" or if I was "doing alright, buddy." Well I'm not your buddy, pal.

These are just a few that come to mind. But it only takes one, and there is always someone that fits the above category. FML. And don't worry, I did not forget about the meatheads. But they are a different story.