Oct 30, 2010
For the second week in a row, my Friday night horror movie extravaganza is thwarted by forces out of my control. Last Friday was Paranormal Activity 2 - in which I had to walk out of the theater because of a room full of d-bags. This Friday it was The Monster Squad, and it turned up missing because PorkRice took it from me when I wasn't looking. I spent the entire day planning to watch both movies on the respective nights. Instead of bitching about it any longer, I look up all of my favorite scenes from The Monster Squad. Here you go.
Trailer
Monster Squad Trailer 300 Trailer
Kick him in the NARDS!
Fat Kid
He's gonna kill your son!
My name... is HORACE!
Oct 29, 2010
Me: Sorry I couldn't answer my phone earlier. I had blood all over my hands.PorkRice: wide-eyed Huhhh?! Whaaat?!
Oct 28, 2010
Detective Sapir: So let me get this straight. You're telling me there was this two-thousand year-old mummy here, right? But now he's not here. He's gone. Vanished. History. And you're saying you didn't hear anybody come in here or leave, is that right? Can you hear me now? Hello!
Night Watchman: I can hear you fine.
Detective Sapir: So nobody took the mummy.
Night Watchman: I would've heard them.
Detective Sapir: 'Course he would've. What a stupid question. Did you take him?
Night Watchman: No sir!
Detective Sapir: Just a shot.
Oct 27, 2010
I made the annual trek to Foy's last night to pick up some zombie costume supplies. Every year there seems to be a popular costume that everyone dresses up in. One year it was the pregnant nun. One year it was the inflatable clown/sumo wrestler/fat person thing. I wonder how many people are going to be walking around this weekend as a Giant Boob?
Furthermore, I wonder what the dude had to do in order to score the job to model this giant titty costume?
Oct 26, 2010
3 miles.
1 medal.
3 pieces of pizza.
10 cookies.
1 banana.
9 people I know.
1 Mountain Dew.
7 Monster Energy drinks.
38 minutes.
Oct 25, 2010
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Rant of the Week: Candyland
I'm gonna Quentin Tarantino this one...
Where the fuck is Plumpy?!?!
When I was little, my favorite board game was Candyland. I was really good at this game because I would cheat when nobody else was looking and shuffle through the cards and put the "Plumpy" card on top of the deck when nobody was looking so it would send them to essentially the start of the game. This inevitably resulted in the nickname, "Plumpy" that I carry on to this day (even though my mom is the only person that calls me this, and its random).
Every time I go to a store and get sucked into the toy section by a tractor beam for some random reason, I immediately go to the board game section to scope out the status of the latest Candyland game. To my demise, Plumpy is missing from the front cover. Fucking AWAL. MIA.
Back in the day, I knew which card was the Plumpy card because it was folded in half at some point and had a crease going through the top right corner of the card. I could shuffle through the deck with my eyes closed and pick that card out in a matter of seconds while my opponent left the game to grab a quick piss break or to fetch me another popsickle.
Plumpy must be dead.
I've heard this song before, but I just watched the music video for it. Here is the parody version... equally entertaining for all the wrong reasons.
- candyland
- gummi bears
- bikinis
- snoop dog
- candy canes
- ginger bread men
- cupcakes
- rainbows
- reddi whip shooting out of boobs
Plumpy must be dead.
This America bullshit mentality of little kids needing to eat more carrots and less of the stuff that the Cookie Monster and Plumpy eats needs to come to an end.
Where the fuck is Plumpy?!?!
[If you are seeking information on dueling moniters, you have come to the wrong place.]
How To of the Week: Dual Monitors
If you are rocking a dual monitor setup in your personal man cave and would like to stretch your desktop wallpaper to both screens but have no idea how to do it, I am about to make your day.
- Determine the size of both of your monitors and add them together. For example, a standard monitor is 1280 x 1024. So you would take 1280 x 2 = 2560 and keep the 1024 base. If you have two monitors that are both 1280 x 1024, the magic number you are looking for is 2560 x 1024.
- Find the size of your monitor by right-clicking on your desktop, click on Properties, then click on the Settings tab.
- Find an image that is the size of your combined monitors. You can use your own and change the resolution with a program such as Snagit or Photoshop, or you can find something off of a website like dualmonitorbackgrounds.com.
- Change your background image once you find or create an image that meets the dimensions of your monitors by right-clicking on your desktop again, click Properties, and select the Desktop tab.
- Click the Browse... button and select the image.
- Click on the Position: drop-down menu and select Tile.
- Click OK and enjoy.
Attention Zombie Lovers:
Mark this on your calendar.
What: The Walking Dead debut
Where: Your living room on the AMC channel
When: 10/31 at 10/9pm CST
Why: Why not?
Here is the description of the show, copy + pasted straight off AMC's website:
Waking up in an empty hospital after weeks in a coma, County Sheriff Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln) finds himself utterly alone. The world as he knows it is gone, ravaged by a zombie epidemic. The Walking Dead tells the story of the weeks and months that follow after the apocalypse. Based on Robert Kirkman’s hugely successful and popular comic book series, AMC’s new original series, The Walking Dead, premieres with a 90-minute episode on Halloween night: Oct. 31 at 10/9c. Written and executive produced by three-time Academy® Award-nominee Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption,The Green Mile), who also directs the pilot, and executive produced by Gale Anne Hurd (The Terminator, Aliens), the series debuts during AMC Fearfest, the network's annual blockbuster marathon of thriller and horror films.
The Walking Dead is an epic, edge-of-your-seat drama where personal struggles are magnified against a backdrop of moment-to-moment survival. A survivalist story at its core, the series explores how the living are changed by the overwhelming realization that those who survive can be far more dangerous that the mindless walkers roaming the earth. They themselves have become the walking dead.
Shot on location in Atlanta, The Walking Dead is led by a cast that includes Lincoln (Teachers, Love Actually) as Rick Grimes, Jon Bernthal (The Pacific, The Ghost Writer) as Shane Walsh, Sarah Wayne Callies (Prison Break) as Lori Grimes, Laurie Holden (The Shield, Stephen King’s The Mist) as Andrea, Jeffrey DeMunn (Stephen King’s The Mist, The Green Mile) as Dale, Steven Yeun (The Big Bang Theory) as Glen, Emma Bell (The Bedford Diaries) as Amy and Chandler Riggs (Get Low) as Carl Grimes.
Joining Darabont and Hurd as executive producers are Kirkman; David Alpert from Circle of Confusion; and Charles “Chic” Eglee (Dexter, The Shield). Jack LoGiudice (Sons of Anarchy, Resurrection Blvd) serves as co-executive producer with Denise Huth (Stephen King’s The Mist) as producer. The Walking Dead was written by Darabont, Eglee, LoGiudice, Kirkman, Glen Mazzara and Adam E. Fierro. In addition to Darabont, directors for the series include Michelle MacLaren, Gwyneth Horder Payton, Johan Renck, Ernest Dickerson and Guy Ferland.
The creative team also includes Directors of Photography David Tattersall and David Boyd, Production Designers Greg Melton and Alex Hadju, Costume Designer Peggy Stamper, and Editors Hunter M. Via, Julius Ramsay and Sidney Wolinsky. The effects team includes veteran special effects makeup designer Greg Nicotero, special effects coordinator Darrell Pritchett, and visual effects supervisors Sam Nicholson and Jason Sperling.
Preview:
Oct 24, 2010
It has a good shotgun blast to the face scene, so its worth a watch just for that reason alone.
Oct 19, 2010
Golden earring - Twilight zone
This one comes straight off of Stanko's 2005 Summer Jams Quadruple Disk CD Collection. If you ever need to get pumped up for anything, and I mean anything, this is the song to play. When you are taking a poop, driving home from work, drinking a beer in the shower at 7pm on a Friday night, couped up in a car with your parents driving through South Dakota, writing a paper, writing a blog, running a marathon, piloting a hot air balloon, ice skating, participating in an "all you can eat hard-boiled egg" contest, or whatever, this is the song.
Somewhere in a lonely hotel room
there’s a guy starting to realize
That eternal fate has turned it's back on him
It's two a.m.
It's two a.m. the fear has gone
I'm sitting here waitin' the gun still warm
Maybe my connection is tired of taken chances
Yeah there's a storm on the loose sirens in my head
I'm wrapped up in silence all circuits are dead
I cannot decode
my whole life spins into a frenzy
Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse
Feels like being blown
My beacon's been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go
Now that I've gone too far
Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse
Feels like being blown
My beacon's been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go
Now that I've gone too far
Soon you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone
Soon you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone
I'm falling down a spiral
destination unknown
A double crossed Messenger
all alone
I can't get no connection
I can't get through
Where are you
Well the night weighs heavy on his guilty mind
This far from the borderline
And when the hitman comes
He knows damn well he has been cheated
And he says
Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone
the place is a madhouse
Feels like being blown
My beacon's been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go
Now that I've gone too far
Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse
Feels like being blown
My beacon's been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go
Now that I've gone too far
Soon you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone
Soon you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone
When the bullet hits the bone
(Musical interlude)
Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse
Feels like being blown
My beacon's been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go
Now that I've gone too far
Help I'm steppin' into the twilight zone
The place is a madhouse
Feels like being blown
My beacon's been moved under moon and star
Where am I to go
Now that I've gone too far
Soon you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone
Soon you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone
Soon you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone
Soon you will come to know
When the bullet hits the bone
When the bullet hits the bone uh-huha
When the bullet hits the bone
When the bullet hits the bone uh-huha
When the bullet hits the bone
When the bullet hits the bone uh-huha
When the bullet hits the bone
When the bullet hits the bone uh-huha
When the bullet hits the bone
(Music then song ends)
[Soundtrack: The Doors - "Back Door Man"]
Man Code 101 says to open a door for a woman whenever the opportunity presents itself. No argument there. It is a small gesture that pleases the ladies and lets everyone know that you are a MAN.
Get out and then open and open her door. Again my friend considers this to be too old fashioned, I consider it a polite gesture. Although it does seem to throw some women for a loop, as it has become uncommon. Modern dating etiquette, "The Art of Manliness."
But what happens when two dudes find themselves in a situation where they both arrive at a door and must choose how they are going to open the door?
...I'm glad you asked.
First of all, like I said, I will open a door for a lady until there are no more doors to open. Car doors. Doors to the house. Door at the restaurant. Door at the moving theater. Port-O-John door. You name it. But when it comes to dudes, I get caught in this weird awkward moment of "Do I open the door for him just like if he was a chick and let him go through, or do I open the door and walk through first, or do I just slow down the pace when we come to a door and let him decide." This whole fiasco seems to apply to the corporate scene more than the casual environment, but in the grand scheme of things it applies to both worlds. My solution is this: If I am with a guy, and we both walk up to a door, I am going to open the door and walk through it. If a guy gets to the door before I do and opens it up for me, I will smile, tell him "Ladies first," and cement my feet to the floor until he walks through the door. Problem solved.
So in summary:
- Kyle opens doors for ladies.
- Kyle and other man walk up to door.
- Kyle will open the door and walk through.
- Kyle will not hold the door open for a man to walk through.
- If Kyle gets beat to the door, Kyle will say, "Ladies first" and let other man walk through door.
Oct 18, 2010
Rant of the Week: Annoying People At The Gym
I have spent countless hours in the gym running around in circles for the past two years. I've shown up at seemingly all hours of the day, from the time they open the doors at 5am to the time they shut the place down at 11pm. No matter what time of the day or part of the year, there is always at least one person at the gym at the same time as me that does something to piss me off.
Here is a quick rundown of my usual schedule at the gym:
- Walk in
- Hand the person at the desk my card so they can scan it
- Go to the locker room
- Put my stuff in a locker
- Take a piss
- Wash my hands
- Head up to the second floor
- Grab a quick drink from the drinking fountain
- Run aimlessly in circles
- Go down to the first floor
- Grab my stuff out of the locker
- Leave the gym
- Drive home, enraged
On any given day, the annoying person at the gym entered my life during the part of my gym experience that involved running around the track up on the second floor. The following is a mental list I have compiled over the course of two years:
Vietnam Vet that Smells like Cat Piss and Smoke
This dude wears the same clothes (long-sleeve, button up blue shirt and sweatpants) and walks in the runners lane. He is one of the early-birds that shows up around 7am. He wears sunglasses and leaves a trail of cat piss/cigarette smoke behind him that enters my nostrils whenever I am a half-lap behind him. After a couple laps, the smell does not go away. When he crosses the imaginary finish line by the drinking fountain and stairwell, he puts both arms in the air like he is Rocky Balboa and just got finished running through the 3 feet of snow-covered Russian wasteland with a tree on his back.
Off-Duty 50 Year Old Stripper that Walks around like People are Looking
There's some lady that walks around the gym at all hours of the day that pretends to work out and flaunts her leathery fake tanned boobs like people might actually be interested in her. Sometimes she pretends to talk on the phone while "working out." She occasionally does the stretches in the corner of the track where she twists her legs around her head like she is trying to turn herself into a slutty, nasty, human pretzel. Thanks, but no thanks.
Speed Walker that Walks Faster than I Run
There are a couple of these people that find some sort of sick humor in speed walking past me when I'm trying to run. It screws me up because I have to pace myself accordingly so that I don't end up running next to them while they are doing their stupid walking shenanigans.
People that Walk in the Runners Lane
Self explanatory. Lots of people fall into this category. Despite all the signs in the gym, these people break the rules and the blood vessels in my face.
Couple that Takes Up Three Lanes
Sometimes a couple will walk around the track the entire time I am there and will hog up all three lanes so that I have to finagle my way through them every time I go by them. They never get the clue to get the hell out of the way. They always leave at the exact same time I leave, and usually block my path to the exit as well.
The Jump Rope/Body Bag Guy
Some dudes like to bust out the jump rope or punching bag right at the edge of the track. Every time I pass them, I have to keep my head on a swivel so I don't catch a spinning heal kick to the face or a jump rope slashed across my back.
The Track Team
During track season, some large groups of people will train at the gym and sprint around the track in large hordes of people similar to a scene out of Jurassic Park when the plant eaters are sprinting away from the T-Rex. I always get caught in the middle of a bunch of idiots that step on my shoes or rub up against me or something else inconsiderate like that.
The Old Naked Guy with the Locker Next to My Locker
Back when I was training for my first marathon, I went to the gym in the morning before work. I would vary the time I went to the gym at a 15-30 minutes window to avoid the naked old man. He had a locker right next to mine and regardless of when I was trying to get cleaned up and get out of the gym, he completely stood in my way, naked, and did whatever he could to make sure my day started off as awful as possible.
The Sauna Talkers
Also back in the day, I would top off a nice run in the morning by enjoying 10 minutes of solitude in the sauna prior to hopping in the shower. My 10 minutes of zen contantly was interrupted by people that would carry on some loud-mouthed conversation and for some reason would feel compelled to include me in their conversation. If they did not fit this bill, they would ask me at some point during the 10 minutes of peace if I was "okay" or if I was "doing alright, buddy." Well I'm not your buddy, pal.
These are just a few that come to mind. But it only takes one, and there is always someone that fits the above category. FML. And don't worry, I did not forget about the meatheads. But they are a different story.
Oct 15, 2010
How to of the Week: Get Kicked Out of Daycare
1. Have an appetite.
2. Bite a kid.
3. Choke a kid.
I did all that 25 years ago this month - at the ripe ole age of 21 months!
"I'm afraid we will be unable to take Kyle after tomorrow. In addition to the biting incident yesterday, he choked another child this morning. Until he can learn better social skills, we will be unable to take care of him." - Gwynn, Sunshine House, Daycare. October 1985.
Oct 13, 2010
Idiot of the Week: Boring Facebook Status Updates Person
Back in January, I made a blog about boring Facebook status updates, but I forgot to add actual examples of boring Facebook status updates. For your enjoyment, I finally added them. Check it out.
You've Got Boring Facebook Status Updates
Oct 11, 2010
Part I: Paranormal
Somewhere in between 2am and 4am on Saturday morning, I crawled out of a deep slumber and zombie-walked to the fridge for a snack to satisfy my unending thirst thanks to the Dawn Phenomenon. I remember getting a freezer pop, chopping the top off with a butcher knife of all things, and taking a few bites out of it as I dragged my feet back to bed. The next thing I remember is waking up at 6:15am to the sound of my alarm. As I came to, I realized something very... odd/creepy/scary/crazy. My left arm was straight up in the air. In my left hand I tightly grasped the half-eaten freezer pop from a few hours ago. I immediately took a picture of the scene just for proof. And in case you were wondering, no, I did not spill a single drop.
I'm not sure what this is all about, but I'm also not going to try and find out. All I know is I don't get a whole lot of sleep, and the last thing I want to do is setup a camera in my bedroom only to find out that I pace around my room or god knows what when I'm unconscious.
Part II: Insanity
A dozen or so hours after the freezer pop incident, I found myself in the middle of what will most likely be the greatest sports viewing experience of my life. Outside of the final score of the game, the entire experience was something to the tune of "Cow Sees Double Rainbows at Michigan Stadium." If the day would have ended in a W, the ultimate day would have been accomplished. But, I'll take what I can get. The 3.5 hour drive home from Ann Arbor gave me a lot of things to ponder, particularly that of how to deal with the shit-talkers that would come out of the woodwork to inform me that Michigan had lost a game. No shit, Sherlock. I saw it with my own eyes. Hundreds of feet in the air. From a luxury box. On the 50-yard line. I'm sure the view from your b&w 10'' busted up TV was tremendous, but thanks for the reminder. And I think that's really when it hit me. It's pointless to argue with people that don't root for the Maize & Blue. For the past five weeks, I ran around wherever I was and ran my mouth. Nobody probably cared. And if they did, they didn't have anything to combat my encyclopedia of football knowledge. Or they were just retarded. Either way, there is now nothing I can say that will be any sort of imaginable "win" in my world of shit-talking. There wasn't at 5-0, Heisman hype, Michigan is back, bla bla bla, and there certainly isn't at 5-1. Especially with OSU now at #1.
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.Albert Einstein
Well said, Al. So then, what is the point? Arguing with the shit-talkers is like the game "Angry Birds." If you don't blow up all the green pigs on a level with your birds, the green pig will smile at you. It's a shit eating grin that drives me up a wall. I can't do anything but wait for the next round to try to get that little pig-fucker that was just smiling at me. And so it goes. The next round comes on six more Saturdays. The final round is all that really counts though. And when that round is over, if there are no smiling green pigs looking at me, everyone better take the year off of work, delete Facebook accounts, block my phone number, and generally just avoid me.
Oct 8, 2010
Rant of the Week: Thunder Busters
+1,000,000 to the Cheeks for this one. Don't be alarmed my Ghostbustin' AC/DC friends. This is not a rant about Thunder Busters. This is a rant about how I did not know that this existed. I constantly scour the interwebs for shit like this in the ween hours of the night. But holy sweet baby Jesus. Talk about a jackpot. Now I have something to listen to on repeat for 3 hours on my way up to Ann Arbor tomorrow. And the 2010 (that's a big two thousand ten) Halloween Costume Decision has been settled. Ghostbuster costumes, BABY!
Alright. So I decided to cancel DIRECTV. Right in the middle of football season. I don't watch TV aside from football, but I can just watch it somewhere else. I signed up for DIRECTV back in 2008 and have passed my two-year agreement. I leased two receivers and bought an additional one. The only extra service I have subscribed to in the past with them is the NFL Sunday Ticket. There was a little cancellation fiasco that followed. I have not actually canceled my contract with them yet, but I want to cancel it. I'm done. I hope to God that this process goes smoothly, but I have my doubts.
So...
Q: How does one go about cancelling DIRECTV?A: I have no idea.
Well, I have a good guess, I suppose. After Googling "cancel DIRECTV" and reading through a few dozen forums, I am left with a gloomy feeling that I have a better chance of winning the lottery than picking up the phone, canceling the TV, and having it all go according to plan. To my amazement (but not really) there is no way to cancel a DIRECTV subscription on their website. You actually have to call them. That means dealing with their shithole automated attendant. I was thinking about doing this during my hour long lunch break, but the success rate of pulling this off is looking pretty dim.
I usually don't read the fine print of stuff I sign up for. I'm on of those people. I dug into this a little bit though, and here are some interesting tidbits:
- You agree to pay for 24 consecutive months of a $29.99/month or greater programming package.
- Cancellation Fee: If you do not fulfill your Programming Agreements, DIRECTV may charge you a pro-rated fee of up to $480.
- Deactivation Fee: If you deactivate your service, or we deactivate your service, we may charge you a deactivation fee of $15.
- You agree to return leased equipment to DIRECTV upon disconnecting your service. If you do not return the equipment, DIRECTV may charge fees from $45 to $250 per receiver.
1) I've had the service for longer than 24 consecutive months. Moving on.
2) More fine print stuff. Hopefully this doesn't apply to me.
3) Deactivation fee? Wait... Doesn't this fall under the cancellation fee? What's the difference? Apparently, crapping my pants and shitting my pants are two different things.
4) It does not go into detail here, but if you cancel the service, you have a particular 7 to 21 day window to return the equipment that you leased. It is unclear how this is applicable to receivers that were purchased from a 3rd party vendor.
On the surface, if I am reading this correctly, I could get hit with an unknown cancellation fee, up to $480, a $15 deactivation fee, and $250 per receiver x 2 = $500 if I can't return the boxes in the given time frame. I'm not a math expert, but if this all fails, I think this adds up to over a grand. Then we have to take into consideration the hassle from their sales people in regard to keeping the service. I read multiple reviews online that depicted scenarios where an individual that canceled their subscription received several phone calls a day about staying with DIRECTV. The last thing I want is more phone calls and emails. See Gym Membership Renewel Rant.
All I know is I have my Account #, their customer service hotline 1-800-531-5000, and an impatient, hopeless, angry demeanor towards getting this shit done. We'll see how this goes...
Oct 7, 2010
Oct 5, 2010
I have discussed some of my 2009 and 2010 goals in previous blogs, but I just came up with a new goal.
New Goal... Learn to talk like this guy:
"holy fuck alabama." - Murphy
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