Jun 6, 2010

How To: Completely Screw Up A Movie

How To of the Week: Completely Screw Up A Movie

Have you ever watched a movie and it turned out to be nothing like you expected it to be? Afterwards, you are left questioning humanity, wishing you had two hours of your life back, and demanding a refund for the $20+ you dropped at the theatre (or hell, even $1 at the Red Box for that matter). Maybe you were the idiot that had no idea how Titanic would conclude and was utterly disappointed when the ship sunk at the end. Perhaps you actually saw Sweeney Todd and felt like you got kicked in the crotch by a giant donkey after coming to the realization that it was in fact a musical. Maybe you went and saw Apocalypto or Passion of Christ without knowledge that the entire movie was in another language and you were forced to read the subtitles. If you went and saw one of these two while intoxicated, or even worse, if you can't even read, then that probably wasn't your best Friday night ever.

If Hollywood wants to completely botch a movie, all they have to do is make a movie that is guilty of what I like to call the Jeepers Creepers Effect.

[SPOILER ALERT] I'm about to describe why Jeepers Creepers sucked balls. So if you don't want me to save you a few bucks and hours of your time, then stop reading now.

The movie is a prime example of how to really ruin a movie. The plot for this shitbag of a movie goes like this: It's a horror movie. The previews of the flick allude that it might be a good one. Two teens are driving down the road and almost get run off the street by some creepy ass rusted out van that looks like a smaller version of the Gravedigger monster truck. Later on down the road, they pass by a house and see the same van parked in the driveway. Next to the house is a shadowy figure that is dumping something that looks like bodies wrapped in blood soaked sheets down some sort of pipe. Seems good so far, right? Well the movie goes on and on and there's jumps and killing and freak out moments and all the good stuff that comes with a horror flick. Approximately 90% into the movie, the Jeepers Creepers Effect kicks in full force. This is when the viewer discovers that the bad dude that's been beating the shit out of people for the whole movie is not actually a person, or even some sort of respectable horror movie monster, but in fact a stupid fucking bat creature. And I'm not talking about Batman either. This is totally different. Jeepers Creepers was the first movie that left me saying,

"Wow, did that really just happen? What...the...Wow they really just fucked that up."

Anytime I see a movie that has some unexpected plot twist that is a total FAIL and completely ruins a movie that offered a glimpse of being a decent movie is a victim of the Jeepers Creepers Effect. I'm not really certain what causes this to happen, but my only guess is that the writers couldn't come up with a good way to end the movie, were completely retarded, or just did every drug imaginable and came up with whatever sounded like a good way to finish off the script.

Last night I saw another movie that was a prime candidate of the Jeepers Creepers Effect. The movie was The Box. It starred Cameron Diaz, the dude that played Cyclops from the X-Men movies, and Frank Langella, who was not only Count Dracula in 1979's Dracula but was also Skeletor from the He-Man Masters of the Universe movie.

[SPOILER ALERT] I'm about to describe why The Box sucked balls. So if you don't want me to save you a few bucks and hours of your time, then stop reading now.

The plot consists of Frank Langella dropping off a box with a red button on the top of it to Cameron Diaz one day. He tells her that if she presses the red button on the box, someone that she does not know will die, but in return she will receive one million bucks. She discusses this with her husband, the Cyclops dude, and eventually presses the button. Someone dies. She gets the cash. Weird stuff starts happening. It gets pretty creepy . So I'm watching this movie thinking,

"Alright! We've got Cameron and Cyclops and Skeletor and it's gonna be a good scary horror movie and we're gonna find out what the shit is going on here and I will be glad I watched this movie."

And then, right out of fucking nowhere...yep you guessed it...Enter the Jeepers Creepers Effect. Similar to finding out that a bat creature was the main villain, we find out that Skeletor was hit by a lightning bolt from Mars prior to the current time period in the movie and was acting as an employee for aliens that was putting humans through a variety of tests to determine whether or not the aliens would allow humans to live or let die. Cyclops jumps through a watery portal and goes through a tunnel of light. Cameron asks him to shoot her in the chest. There is no explanation for the majority of the other weird shit that happened in the film. The answer to whether or not the human race will survive the trials of the aliens who we never meet is never addressed. Son of a bitch. ::jumps off cliff