Jun 30, 2010

How To: Rule The Summer

How To of the Week: Rule The Summer

[Soundtrack: Deep Purple - "Smoke on the Water"]

Summer is here. The 4th of July is this weekend. Beers will be drank. Hot dogs will be consumed by the dozens. Good music will be heard. Fireworks will be seen. And pictures will be taken. I always have the best times during the summer when some sort of water activity is involved, whether it is a slip 'n slide or a lake. But not an ocean. Because oceans have sharks. Above, you will see one of the best pictures ever taken. If you right click on it, there is a nifty 'Set As Desktop Background' option available. Don't worry fellas, the No Homo rule applies here, so have it. I would encourage you to try to top this picture with your summer shenanigans this weekend. Feel free to submit you pictures "ruling the summer" to cow@thecowshow.com and I will post them up next week.

Rant of the Week: Waiting

Rant of the Week: Waiting

From my personal experiences, I have discovered that there are 3 different types of people out there:

  • People that are never late to anything. They show up at least 10 minutes early to any event, sometimes as early as an hour prior to the scheduled meeting time.
  • People that show up right on time. These types of people walk in the door right when the meeting is starting, or arrive a minute early or a minute late. We'll go with a one minute window either way just to be safe.
  • People that are always late. Everyone has a friend that fits this bill, or perhaps you are this person. These people are anywhere from 30 minutes late to not showing up at all for everything they do in their life.
I fit somewhere in between the first and second category. I have a good sense of time and can usually guess-timate approximately when I will arrive at whatever it is that I'm going to. For example, let's say I'm going to meet up with some friends after work on any given night and they want to know what time I will be able to show up. My brain goes through a series of algorithms that takes into consideration the assumption that I will get off work at exactly 6:30pm, travel home, letting Mr. Bojangles out, a 15-20 minute buffer in case I have to drop a deuce, time to swap clothes, and travel time to said destination, and cranks out whatever the time will be, such as 7:33pm. Yeah that's right, I can usually get it down to the minute. Of course, this does not always happen, because sometimes there are acts out of my control such as hitting every red light on the way to and fro, traffic jams, weather delays, and crap like that. Moral of the story...if you ask me what time I will be somewhere, I can provide you with a reliable time that I will show up.

Since I am able to fulfill my side of the deal, I kind of expect the same thing in return. And when it doesn't work out, it pisses me off. Kind of like it did today...


Let me ask you a simple question:

When you walk into the doctor's office, do they take you back at the exact time that the appointment was originally scheduled for or are they always ridiculously late?

I had a doctor's appointment today at 10:40am. I'm on vacation and it's a perfect day outside. The last thing I want to do is sit in a doctor's office. (No offense to all the doctors out there, just sayin'.) I was hoping that if I got there a little early that there would be a slim chance they would be able to slip me in early so that I could make the best of the day without having to wait around. So I checked in at 10:21am. That would be 19 minutes early for my appointment. At 10:55am, I finally heard my name and was summoned to the staging area to check my weight. After I got off the scale, I went through the labyrinth to the room where the doctor would see me. So I walk into the room and sit down on the bench with the tissue paper covering it. I always try to sit on the tissue paper without tearing it, but somewhere in the process of sitting down on top of it I manage to turn it into some pile of shredded mess that looks like a dozen stray cats in heat just got done having their way on it. Anyways, I get my blood pressure taken. Miraculously, it is 124/76, which is damn near perfect. I am clueless as to how I was able to maintain this level considering the state of mind I had at the moment. After the nurse left, I stared at a wall for the next 35 minutes. So this would be at 11:40am. After I chatted up with the doc and left, got in my car, and checked the time, it was 12:03pm.

I hauled ass home so I could grab my stuff and get to the pool. Only to have a repeat of pool idiots happen again today. Son of a fucking bitch. Here is another diagram. If this shit happens tomorrow I am going to go ape shit on someone.


Jun 29, 2010

Idiot of the Week: Pool Idiots

Idiot of the Week: Pool Idiots

If you ever see me laying by a pool and I am the only person there, don't sit three feet away from me and talk about how much your life sucks with your friends. I can hear you over my iPod, it's really fucking annoying, and I don't give a shit.

As you can tell by the sweet diagram I put together, I would be the yellow square and the idiots would be the red square. Similar to walking into an empty movie theater, don't sit in the row right in front of the guy that's all the way up at the top with his feet up on the seats in front of him.
Jun 28, 2010

A Chipotle First

When I started this blog, one of the first things I talked about was how to beat the Chipotle system. I went to Chipotle this afternoon and ran into a situation that had never occurred during any of my prior Chipotle expeditions. As I have said time and time again, the one way to ensure that a burrito is properly ordered with everything on it is it watch it bust while they attempt to wrap the massive beast. Well, my busted today. And here's where the Chipotle First kicked in...the lady wrapping my burrito asked me if I wanted it re-wrapped or if I wanted to double up on the burrito shell. I opted to double it up. I mean, what's an extra 1000 calories? I have to said it has made me extra sleepy today. HOWEVA, my adderall refill also kicked in today so that offset the 48-hour food coma I would have otherwise slipped into.

On a side note, I've got a lot of RL stuff going on at the moment so my posting isn't going to be 100% during the next few days. I have a lot of stuff in the works though and the podcast should be up by Wednesday, amongst a big blog update with lots of fun stuff.
Jun 25, 2010

Weapon of Choice

Watch this. You're welcome.

Jun 23, 2010

Soccer Scoreboard FAIL

Wow! Somebody dropped the ball BIG TIME on this one. How does this even happen?!

Jun 22, 2010

Drive Slow

I visited my grandma tonight. Before I left, we exchanged goodbyes, she thanked me for coming over and reminded me to drive slow.

After grandmas, I dropped my mom back off at her house and ate some pizza rolls. It was about 10:30pm and I decided to venture back home. As I backed out of their driveway, I remembered what my grandma told me earlier. Drive slow. Normally when I drive down my parents street, I go anywhere between 45-55mph. It's a country road, covered with trees on both sides. But tonight I decided to drive slow and go about 30mph. Sure enough, roughly half way down the road, a deer ran out in front of me. By the time I slammed on my breaks and came to a stop, it was about 3 feet in front of my car, completely lit up by my headlights. It looked at me for a moment, and then trotted off into the woods.

It's things like this that really make you think. Had I been going the regular speed down that road, would I have hit the deer? Would I have gone fast enough to pass it before it wondered out in the road? Would I have slammed into it full force and destroyed my SUV? Would I have swerved to miss the deer and wrapped my car around a tree? Would I have swerved and sent Bo flying out of the passenger window in his pet taxi? Would I have hit the deer head on and had it's antlers decapitate me in the process? (Okay that last was is a little extreme, and it was actually a doe, but still).

Drive slow. Thanks Big-G.
Jun 21, 2010

How To: Ice Cold Beer

How To of the Week: Ice Cold Beer

Today marks the official First Day of Summer. One of the common activities during these hot summer days is drinking beer. I don't know about you, but I like my beer served up ice cold. Sometimes the situation arises where beer is either picked up at the store where it has been sitting out on the shelf, the beer warms up while traveling from Point A to the party at Point B, or maybe it was forgotten in the trunk for a few weeks after that long road trip. Either way, before a few cold ones can get tossed back down the gullet, they need to first be...errrrr...cold. Ice cold.

Depending on the severity of the immediate need to drink ice cold beers, there are a few options at hand. Thanks to an episode of Mythbusters I recently watched, here is how to cool beer down the fastest.

On the Mythbusters show, the guys placed a 6-pack of beer in different environments and tested the temperature of the beer after 5 minutes.


  • Fridge: 60 degrees
  • Cooler + Ice: 57 degrees
  • Freezer: 55 degrees
  • Cooler + Ice + Water: 44 degrees
  • Cooler + Ice + Water + Salt: 35 degrees

As you can see, the Cooler + Ice + Water + Salt combo wins. The explanation behind this is because the salt melts the ice and lowers the freezing point of the water, and Bingo! Dino DN...I mean Ice Cold Beer.

One final note: If 5 minutes is too long, and you need the beers ice cold in 3 minutes, you could always unload a fire extinguisher on them. That will do the trick as well.
Jun 20, 2010

Fathers Day

For Fathers Day, I made the annual sacrifice to The Man, The Myth, The Legend, The Machine that consisted of a cheesy card, two 6-packs of Oberon, a live ZZ Top DVD, and a big ass ice cream cake from DQ. The cake has a tie on it and says Happy Fathers Day. Greg Terry doesn't wear ties, but they were out of cakes decorated with dead bodies and skulls so that was the best I could pull off.
Jun 17, 2010

Review: Eminem - Recovery

Every once in awhile an album will come out that can be listened to all the way through without skipping tracks. These are my favorite, not only because they kick ass, but they are fundamentally what music is all about. And they seem to come once in a blue moon. Simply put, you plug in the jams, go to Track #1, hit play, and rock it out 'til the end.

Off the top of my head, some of these kind of albums would be:
  • AC/DC - Back In Black
  • Alice In Chains - Nothing Safe
  • Audioslave - Audioslave
  • Avenged Sevenfold - Avenged Sevenfold
  • Coal Chamber - Chamber Music
  • Deftones - Adrenaline
  • Disturbed - The Sickness
  • Elton John - Yellow Brick Road
  • Fear Factory - Obsolete
  • Godsmack - Godsmack
  • Guther - Pleasure Man
  • Hollywood Undead - Swan Songs
  • Hootie & The Blowfish - Cracked Rear View
  • Ill Nino - Revolution Revolucion
  • Incubus - Make Yourself
  • Journey - Journey's Greatest Hits
  • Korn - Life is Peachy
  • Led Zep - Houses of the Holy
  • Limp Bizkit - Significant Other
  • Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory
  • Metallica - ...And Justice For All
  • Mudvayne - L.D. 50
  • Muse - Absolution
  • My Chemical Romance - Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge
  • NIN - The Downward Spiral
  • Nonpoint - Statement
  • Nothingface - Violence
  • Orgy - Candyass
  • Papa Roach - Infest
  • Powerman 5000 - Anyone For Doomsday
  • Queen - Classic Queen
  • Rage Against The Machine - Rage Against The Machine
  • Rammstein - Rosenrot
  • Rob Zombie - Hellbilly Deluxe
  • Saliva - Every Six Seconds
  • Sevendust - Home
  • Slayer - Diabolus In Musica
  • Slipknot - Slipknot
  • Soulfly - Primitive
  • Staind - Break The Cycle
  • Static X - Machine
  • STP - Core
  • Styx - Greatest Hits
  • System Of A Down - Toxicity
  • Taproot - Gift
  • Tool - Aenima
  • White Stipes - Get Behind Me Satan
  • White Zombie - Astro-Creep: 2000
If you skim over this list, you may notice a common trend. There's no rap. And that is for good reason, because I don't like rap. But I dig Eminem for some reason. I have all of his stuff and can tolerate listening to it. For the past week, I've been listening to his new album that will oddly enough be released on 6/22. I've listened to it enough to be able to place it in the category of albums that can be listened all the way through without skipping tracks. I cut my grass tonight and listened to all the tracks off his new album, Recovery. He has some hardcore lyrics throughout the album, and for shits-n-grins I have jotted them down for your entertainment. I would suggest listening to the album first before reading, but nonetheless they provide ambiance and valuable interpretations of the "real" realities of life (seriously, ha). So tonight I listened to each track off the album again and selected the lyrics that I thought were my favorite for whatever reason.

With all of that said, IMO this is his best. The Eminem Show, Curtain Call, and The Marshall Mathers are all good too. But it's like me saying I won a Chubby Bunny contest by stuffing 13 marshmallows in my mouth and setting a record in the late 90s; Won more awards in high school for sports and academics than I care to talk about; Received "best person doing XYZ" award at my job; and so on and so forth. You can be good at what you do when you do it and keep being good at doing it. Hopefully you keep progressing and as you get older do better things overall and add to the talents you have. This is kinda what this album is about.

(1) Cold Wind Blows

[Fuck 'em all. Eat shit].

You can get the dick, just call me the ballsac, I'm nuts
Michael Vick in this bitch, dawg, fall back you mutts

You'll get your butt kicked, fuck all that love shit honey
Yeah I laugh when I call you a slut, it's funny!

Fuck it I'm a loose cannon, Bruce Banner's back in the booth
Ya'll are sitting ducks, I'm the only goose standing
I set the world on fire, piss on it, put it out
Stick my dick in a circle, but I'm not fucking around motherfucker
I'll show you pussy footin, I'll kick a bitch in the cunt
Til it makes her queef and sounds like a fucking whoopy cushion
(2) Talkin' 2 Myself

I went away I guess to open up some lanes
But there was no one who even knew what I was going through
Hatred was flowing through my veins
On the verge of going insane
I almost made a song dissin Lil Wayne
(3) On Fire

yesterday my dog died, i hog tied a ho, tied her in a bow

shit dissin me is just like pissin off the wizard of oz
wrap a lizard in gauze beat you in the jaws with it
grab the scissors and saws and
cut out your livers gizzards and balls
throw you in the middle of the ocean in the blizzard with jaws

man im so fuckin sick i got ambulances pullin me over and shit

yeah im pissed but i would rather take this energy and stash it in a can
come back and whip your ass with it again

hit a blind man with a coloring book and told him color inside the lines or get hit widda fine crayon

fuck it i aint playin
pull up in a van and hop out at a homeless man holdin a sign sayin
vietnam vet.. im out my fuckin mind man
kick over the can beat his ass and leave him 9 grand

you wanna get graphic we can go the scenic route
you couldnt make a belemic puke on a piece of fuckin corn and peanut poo

(4) Won't Back Down

[Probably my fav tune from the album].

you say that you want your punchlines a little more compact
well shawty I’m that man
these other cats aint metaphorically where I’m at man
I gave Bruce Wayne a Valium and said
settle ya f-ckin ass down I’m ready for combat-man
get it calm batman?

Gotta shake that ass like a Donkey with Parkinsons
Make like Michael J Fox in the jaws playin’ with a etch-a-sketch
betcha that you’ll never guess who’s knocking at your door
people hit the floors
yeah tonight ladies you gon get divorced

girl you think that other pricks hot
I’ll drink gasoline and eat a lit match
‘fore I sit back and let ‘em get hot
better call the cops on ‘em quick fast
shady’s right back on your bitch ass
white trash with half a six pack in his hatchback
trailer hitched a-ttached to the back (dispatch)

[during this part of the song the volume goes down and comes back up, nice touch Mr. M&M].
watch the wood grain, don’t want no cum stain
bitch you listening tryna’ turn me down
slut I’m talking to you, turn me back up
are you insane tryna talk over me in the car
shut the f-ck up while my sh-ts playin’

(5) W.T.P. (White Trash Party)

Man first of all, I’m a boss, I just wanna get that across
Man even my dentist hates when I floss
Pull up to the club in a ? like it’s a Porche
Garbage bag for one of the windows, spray painted doors
With the flames on ‘em, Michigan plates and my names on ‘em
Baby Shady’s here, come and get him if you dames want him

Now climb it back, try not to kick over the gas can
There’s a half a gallon in it, that could be our last chance
We have of just getting home, now can I get that lap dance?

Now you can do this on your own, but everyone knows
That no one likes to be alone, so get on the floor and grab somebody
Ain’t nothing but a white trash party!
So let’s have us a little bash, and if anyone asks
It ain’t no one, but us trash
You don’t know, you better ask somebody
Cause we’re having a white trash party!

Pull up at the bacardi from outta my underwear
And walk around the party without a care, like a body without a head
Looking like a zombie from outta the Living Dead
And tomorrow probably still be too high to get out of bed

Making it rain for the ladies in the mini’s
But I’m not throwing ones, five’s, ten’s or even twenty’s
I’m throwing quarters, nickels, dimes, pennys
Up at skinny’s, man I do this for them bunnys up at Denny’s
From the north east and west
But when it comes to them trailers in them south parks, muffle it
Cause homie, that hood’s tighter than Kenny’s
So ladies if your belly button’s not an innie, them I’m outtie
Now hop in my minivan, let’s get rowdy cmon!

You the baddest little chain with the blades I ever saw
Coleslaw containers, empty straw rappers and all

(6) Going Through Changes

Wake up in the hospital, full of tubes, plus somehow I'm pullin' through.
Swear when I come back I'ma be bulletproof.

(7) Not Afraid

Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there

(8) Seduction

Homeboy, you better get a clue
She’s on my dick cause I spit better than you
What you expect her to do? How you expect her to act in the sack
When she’s closing her eyes, fantasizing of digging her nails in my back to this track

She’s sitting there getting liquored up at the bar
She says it’s quicker to count the things that ain’t wrong with you
Than to count the things that are
There’s a seven disc, CD changer in her car
And I’m in every single slot, and you’re not, awww

(9) No Love

OK, you want me up in the cage, then I'll come out in beast mode
I got this world stuck in the safe, combination is the G-code
It's Weezy motherfucker, blood gang and I'm in bleed mode
All about my dough but I don't even check the peephole
So you can keep knocking but won't knock me down
No love lost, no love found

(10) Space Bound

It’s like an explosion, everytime I hold ya I wasn’t joking when I told ya
You take my breath away [Scarlett, Hahaha] , you’re a supernova, and Imma…

I’m a space bound rocketship and your hearts the moon
And I’m aiming right at you, right at you
250 thousand miles on a clear night in June
And I’m aiming right at you, right at you, right at you

(11) Cinderella Man

Cinderella man
Send the fellow shady dang came to rap the game up
And sell the fame,
Raise hell from hell he came,
But didn't come to bore you with the cinderella story,
Nor did he come to do the same,
He cant afford to be a label in this day in age,
And at this stage of the game
Mediocrity cannot be allowed to fly,
So say bye,
To the O H I,
To the new case of rock
Consider it as last of rod,
Coop degraw
Raise em high in the sky,
Keep em up
Time to bring the place alive

(12) 25 To Life

[this song is the typical 'angry song after guy breaks up with girl that cheated on him song'].

i feel like when i bend over backwards for you all you do is laugh
cause that aint good enough you expect me to fold myself in half
til i snap

(13) So Bad

there aint nobody as bomb as me, i’m calm as the breeze,
i’m the bee’s knee’s, his legs, and his arms
ima superstar girl, i’m ready for your momma
why you think the only thing i got on is my pajamas?

imma make you learn to appreciate me, differenciate me,
from these phony, little fishy and sissy fake g’s,
skip over the huggy bear, and all the kissy face please
initiate phase 3, missy now service me,
take another shot of jager, shake it so nervously,
take your time baby, oh you’re the bomb baby,
oh you’re doing that even better than your mom, lady

(14) Almost Famous

Now get off my dick, dick's too short of a word for my dick
Get off my antidisestablishmentarianism you prick!
Don't call me the champ, call me the space shuttle destroyer
I just blew up the challenger, matter of fact, I need a lawyer
I just laced my gloves with enough plaster to make a cast
Beat his ass naked and pee'd in his corner like Verne Troyer

(15) Love the Way You Lie

[I can't name one song that Rihanna sings, but this one is solid].

Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano

(16) You're Never Over

[Any song with The Lost Boy's "Cry Little Sister" is a keeper..."Thou Shall Not Fall..."

Come right back on they asses, and go Mike Tyson on these bastards

(Bonus Track) Untitled

[LYRICAL GENIOUS on this one. I included all the lyrics on this one].

[Verse 1]
Girl I think you just might of tried to pull a motherfuckin’ fast one; I’m mad
You just hurt my goddamn feeling and that was the last one I had
Does this look like an arcade, tryna play games, see this saw blade
See this silhouette of a stalker in your walkway, better cooperate
Or get suateed and rotisseried while you’re hog-tied
MC’s get so quiet you can hear a motherfuckin’ dog whistle when I walk by
Call (??) stuntin’ on that ass like a fuckin’ fall guy
I don’t gas my Mercedes at the mid man, I treat it like a (??)
Cuz it will turn into a gremlin, and run over kids, women and men
Vrnn Vrnn, motor so big you can fit a midget in his engine
Bitch gimme them digits while you cringin’
Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin will I spend spend
Even ten cents on you since when
Did you think it’ll cost me a pretty penny
Shiit, if I think a penny’s pretty, just imagine how beautiful a quarter is to me
Eenie-meenie-miney-mo, catch an eskimo by his toe
While he’s tryna roll a snowball
But, don’t make him lose his cool, if he hollers better let him go y’all!
Do you love me?
Now here we go, go go!
[Verse 2]
Get up baby, get a move on, like a U-Haul
You can rack your brain like pool balls
Who woulda ever think of this shit, yeah honey you called?
Well here I come, have a (??) on a beat I reek it
Evil, I see, hear, and speak it
Lady put your money on Shady, fuck that other weak shit
Put your eggs in the same basket
You can count every motherfuckin’ chicken before it hatches
Cuz you can bet your ass that, we gon’ get it crackin’
Like the Kraken in Titans when they clashin’
Get your brains bashed in so bad you’re gon’ have Kurt Kobain askin’
To autograph a bloodstained napkin
Unfashionable and ’bout as rational as a rash on a fag’s asshole
Now let’s take that line run it up the flagpole
With Elton, see if he’s cool with it (kh)
Don’t stand there and look stupid at me
Bitch I ain’t in the mood for this shit
Get my dick Google it, til it pops up
Y’all just so motherfuckin’ full of shit that you stopped up
Me I’m always shittin’ diarrhea outta mouth
Til your speakers crap out, pfft, huh what?
Girl you got a hot butt, like a lit cigarette
(J-Jrrga what) But you won’t get a hot fudge sundae
From me so don’t strut my way, slut because…
Do You love me
Now here we go, go go!
[Verse 3]
And now that I got your panties in a bunch and your bowels in an uproar
Imma show you why I came so you stop asking me what the fuck for
Now look you little slut, cunt whore, I know you want more
Bitch it’s time to put the fuckin’ math back into Mathers cuz I’m a fuckin’ [problem], run boy
Every flow got it mastered, so every last word that you fuckin’ fags heard
Straight from the bitches ass, yeah in other words I’m a bas(turd)
Lookin’ at me like I killed Kenny, gas in the tank, yeah still plenty
No morals are instilled in me so remorse, I really don’t feel any
Eat your heart out Hannibal, understandable
Why you’re jealous, fuckin’ animal, I got cannibal
(??) now can you hoe
“Shady I don’t understand your flow”, understand my flow
Bitch I flow like Troy Palamalo hair boy
Don’t you dare try to follow or compare boy
I’m raw, you ain’t even medium rare, stay the fuck outta my hair boy
You can look, you can stare and point, but you can’t touch, don’t you [(??)]
I don’t get it man is there a void, all this weak shit, what am I steroids?
Well bitch I’m back, with some shit for that ass
And your trunk, elephant, [hemorrhoids]
And remember boys…
Do you love me?
Now here we go, go go!
Thank you for coming out!
Hope you enjoyed the show!
Until next time… haha

Zombie Brains

I took a test today to find out whether I was left or right brained. To be honest, I really wasn't sure which side of my noggin was dominant. Before I took the test I tried to figure out whether I was a lefty or a righty. The left side of the brain is all about logic and sequential order. I make about a dozen To-Do lists a day, so maybe the left side is more dominant. However, I'm also random and crazy, and that's what the right side of the brain dictates, so maybe that's it too. So I took the test. Here the results:

You have what is known as a Golden Brain.

Holy shit!! A Golden Brain?!?! ::Howard Dean scream::

You have strong qualities from either hemisphere. You can see the whole picture when processing information but can as well pay attention to details. You like organizing your schedule, but enjoy too being spontaneous and changing it whenever you feel like it. You are good at endeavours that require language, math, reasoning and analyzing, but also have a special feeling for the arts and music. You use your reasoning abilities, but you also follow your gut: having a Golden brain is a great recipe for success in business. Keep it up!
I was pretty excited about this whole Golden Brain thing for a few minutes until reality kicked in. If this test is true, and I have the Golden Brain, then I am going to be a prime target for zombies when the invasion begins.

Golden Brains = Zombie Golden Ticket. FUCK!

Jun 15, 2010

How To: Suck At Bowling

How To of the Week: Suck At Bowling

I suck at bowling. This was established after my Bowling Suckage Experiment. The science behind this concluded that I bowled a sober game and got a score of 122. For the second game, I drank beer at a fast pace and bowled a 77. I've reflected on this experiment and the results from this weekend's bowling excursion and came up with a few ways to suck at bowling.

Here is how to suck at bowling:
  • Drink several beers priors to venturing out on a bowling expedition.
  • After arriving at the bowling alley, do not give into the the temptation to reserve a lane and pick up some stylish bowling shoes. Instead, head directly to the bowling alley bar, and consume more alcohol.
  • Once the decision has been made to start bowling, grab a couple pitchers of beer to take with you to the lane.
  • By some act of God, bowl a strike for the first frame.
  • Relying on the confidence from the first frame, put all your eggs in one basket and dedicate yourself to bowling technique that involves spinning the ball down the lane as close as possible to the edge of the gutter in hopes that it will curve over at the last moment and knock all the pins down like they do on TV.
  • Throw several gutter balls in a row attempting to achieve the above scenario.
  • Continue drinking from the pitchers of beer on the table next to the contraption that keeps track of the score.
  • Get distracted by girls fondling balls.
  • End up with a final score that is lucky to break 50, let alone 100.

Nostradamus Blog Effect Strikes Back

[EDIT: Added pictures and links.]

For those of you keeping score at home...

I wrote a blog on 2/1 called The Nostradamus Blog Effect. It was about some of my own prophecies that have come true recently to a certain degree.

Cow's Crystal Ball Magical Prophecy Example #4: Toxic Death.

I wrote a blog about how to choke someone out and used a Toxic Avenger toy to demonstrate the choke out moves. A few days later, there was a huge fire in a scrap yard in Dayton that provided a "Toxic Fumes" scare and the city warned everyone in a two-mile radius to stay inside their homes.

Cow's Crystal Ball Magical Prophecy Example #5: Touchdown Jesus.

I also wrote a blog how I saw the comedian that wrote the "Big Butter Jesus" song a few weeks ago. Well, I think we all know how that ended up.
Jun 14, 2010

Rant of the Week: Rye Chips

Rant of the Week: Rye Chips

I love me some Chex Mix. I can eat the stuff all day long. Variety is good, but something that is really grinding my gears as of late is the lack of my favorite part of Chex Mix in each bag that I devour. No matter what size bag I get, whether it is the snack size or the feed a family of eight size, for whatever reason, there are only a couple Rye Chips in each freakin' bag. I got a feva', and the only prescription is more Rye Chips.

In an effort to correct this problem, I took matters into my own hands and wrote the Chex Mix people.

I received a confirmation email but have yet to hear back from them with any sort of promise to deliver on my request/demands.

I would encourage you all to write Chex Mix and demand more Rye Chips as well.

Jun 11, 2010

I don't sing. I don't dance. Part Deux.

I went to a rehearsal dinner last night for a wedding that I am attending today. After enjoying a delicious meal, the bride-to-be thanked everyone for coming and reminded everyone to bring their dancing shoes. Well as fate would have it, I don't own any dancing shoes, because...

The only time I did really dance was during a vivid dream I had long, long ago. In this dream, I was one of the back-up dancers in the Kylie-Minogue music video for the song "Love At First Sight."

The dream was basically the music video, with yours truly hip hoppin' away in the background. There is no explanation for the origin of the dream. It just happened. I decided to call it quits after that and haven't danced since.

I am uncertain of the dancing events that will unfold today, but unless the Bell's Brewery miraculously shows up with a giant barrel of Oberon and taps the thing directly into my liver, I forsee a couple slow dances and maybe a cow fist pump or two in the air for good measure in my future.