Mar 30, 2010

Zombie Sighting?

I took Bo for a walk yesterday as soon as I got off of work. He was pulling his usual antics of sniffing/pissing on everything around him when I decided I would use this opportunity to take a picture of him for the "Bo Pic of the Day." After I snapped the picture, we turned the corner and starting walking up the hill around the block. That's about the time I heard this weird sound. The best way to describe it would be if you stuck your tongue out of your mouth, pinched it with your thumb and index finger, and then shouted "Nuh....nuh...NUHHHHH" over and over again.

[edit: see video below that I captured in the field]

As I looked up, I noticed a woman standing in the middle of the street, waving her arms erratically, spouting off a series of incoherent "nuhhhhs." Then, my attention shifted to a dog sprinting straight towards me. I keep Bo on a short leash for situations such as these, so immediately I reached down and picked him up, then hoisted him over my head and out of harms way. A second later, the dog - or hell beast rather, was right on me. He didn't touch me, but God knows what would have escalated if Bo would have still been on the ground.

"Nuhh...nuhhh...NUHHHHHH." The dog then took off and ran out of sight. I looked back up at the retard in the street who was now making her way to her car. As she climbed in it, to pursue the dog I'm assuming, the mutt came rolling around the corner and ran back at me again. "NUHHHH!" By this point, I'm not really sure what the shit is going on. I held Bo up over my head in one hand, and kept my left hand cocked and ready to uppercut either the dog or the lady if they came any closer to me. "Nuhhhhh..." The dog must have read my mind, because he kept on running passed me, and then passed the lady. She got back out of her car, and went after him. I yelled out "Hey! Here he comes!" in which she responded with a (surprise) "Nuhhh NUHHHH." Really? The dog then veered towards the lady and then hopped in the car. She slammed the door shut and then started pounding on the window. "Nuhh nuhhh...nuhhhhh...NUHHHH!" Then she walked back in the middle of the street, waved, and gave me one last "NUHHHH" for good measure. "Yeah...same to you lady."

So yeah, that's a true story. I can't make this shit up. The dog looked like some sort of spotted hyena/reanimated pet cemetery breed. Throwing all rational explanations out the window, I immediately concluded that they were both zombies. What else could it be? I'm not sure. Perhaps the lady didn't have a tongue, hence the "nuhhhhs." Or some sort of mental handicap which prevented her from speaking any sort of recognizable language. Even more mind-boggling was the fact that she was driving a car. With a zombie dog inside, at that.

Thinking back on it, there have been a few weird coincidences that have happened recently that also randomly involved me. On Saturday, I went to Kroger to get some dog food for Bo. When I walked out of the store, I unloaded my cart and noticed there was a full shopping cart slammed into the back of a car two spots over from mine. I went to put my cart in the corral (which is totally unlike me, because I normally just shove them as hard as I can into the middle of no man's land in the parking lot...and before you judge, I was a bag boy at Kroger one summer, so I am entitled to such privileges) and noticed that there was an old lady on the ground, unable to get up, even with the assistance of her old husband. I ran over and did my good deed for the century and lifted her up and gently placed her in the passenger seat. She thanked me for my efforts and I went on my merry way. Thinking back on it, I wonder if she fell ill to a zombie outbreak?

Furthermore, when I left the gym last night I passed by The Pub. Parked outside were two firetrucks and a large horde of people. On the curb I saw the medics gathered around someone who was lying on the ground. Maybe they had too much to drink. Maybe it was a heart attack. Maybe...just was a zombie bite?

Something is not adding up here. I always find myself in weird situations. Regardless, I will be keeping my zombie kit close by just in case shit hits the fan. Over and out.

Mar 29, 2010

Happy Oberon Day

Oberon is my favorite beer in the whole wide world. It's a seasonal beer. Ladies and gentlemen, 'Tis the Season. It's brewed in Michigan, which coincidentally is where I will be heading to two times in the next three weeks. I can taste the "color and scent of a sunny afternoon" already. Nom nom nom nom nom.

An American wheat ale brewed with Saaz hops. Spicy and fruity, Oberon is the color and scent of a sunny afternoon.

Original Gravity
: 1.057
Alcohol by Volume
: 5.8%
Available Pakages
: 4/6/12 oz. bottles (case), 15.5 gal. keg, 5 liter (1.32) gal. mini keg
Dates Available
: Summer Seasonal*
March 30th through October
State Availability
: AL*, FL*, IA, IN, KY, MI, MN, MO, NC, ND, OH, PA, VA, WI *Available year round
In order to preserve shelf & flavor stability, the 5 liter mini keg must be kept refrigerated.
Mar 28, 2010

Jelly Bean Hangover

If you drink a lot of beer or liquor, the next day you might have a hangover. If you drink a lot of wine, you might get a wangover. I'm currently suffering the ill-effects of binge eating too many jelly beans. I'm unaware of a medical term or diagnosis for such a feeling, but I'm going to go ahead and label it a "jangover." Symptoms include massive stomach ache, migraine, inability to get off the couch, drowsiness, increased irritability, and loss of appetite.  Since Easter is a week away, I thought I would toss out a Public Service Announcement so that this doesn't happen to you or anyone you know. Beware the Jangover. With baskets of chocolate bunnies, Peeps, hard-boiled eggs, more jellybeans, Reese Peanut Butter Cup eggs, and whatever else that may show up in next week's Easter basket, the temptation to turn next Sunday in a candy gluttonfest will be ample for the taking. I will probably eat my words in a week, literally, but here's hopin'.
Mar 27, 2010

Self-Esteem Boost of the Day

Cheer up Buckeyes. I know all you paper basketball fans are feeling a little down in the dumps after the loss last night, but keep your heads high.

Things could be worse. You could look like Sloth.

Heyyyyy you guyyyyys!

Mar 24, 2010

The Five Stages of Dehydration

Last Saturday I went on a 13 mile run in preparation for the back-to-back marathons I have coming up on the horizon. It was a perfect afternoon for doing anything outside, especially running. Earlier in the morning I took Bo out for a walk and concluded that I'll use the Krispy Kreme donut and Monster Energy drink as my running fuel for the events that would follow. Little did I know that I basically doomed myself right then and there for what would come in the following hours.

I should have learned my lesson the first time I went on a long run. A few weeks before I ran my first marathon last year, I went on a 13 miler with my dad. The run went fine except for one little detail - I was really, really, REALLY thirsty. As soon as the need for water kicked in, it was basically lights out. None of the drinking fountains were operational on the course that we ran, and I was to the point of hysteria trying to overcome my thirst. After that day, I got a Camelbak to run with so that I wouldn't have to worry about stuff like that again.

Before I go any further, I would like to make it very clear that I am a very thirsty person in general. Always have been, always will be. If I go out to eat, I will suck down as many beverages as they can bring to the table. At work, I drink at least 100 oz. of fluids just sitting in my cube. At home, I can tear through a 12 pack of Diet Coke without thinking about it. So yes, I'm always thirsty.

Back to last Saturday, I learned a very valuable lesson. They say that the human body can go about 8 days without water before dying. I can only go about 8 hours without water before dying. Sad, but true. I've dealt with dehydration through various sporting tribulations in the past, whether it be through football two-a-days or cutting weight for wrestling. The mental toughness is there, but man is it a bitch. To get me through the constant reminder of how thirsty I was, I would always think about a giant pitcher of ice cold pop from a local pizza place, Marion's. I just imagined downing the whole thing and somehow that managed to keep my mind off the realization that I was thirsty. When the pitcher of pop failed, I would move on to the Kool-Aid man appearing out of the sky and pouring a nice refreshing gulp of red Kool-Aid down my gullet. That was Plan B. On Saturday, Plan A and Plan B failed hardcore.

To describe my battle with lack of water, I will place what I recall from a psychological/emotional standpoint into the K├╝bler-Ross model, commonly used as a form of describing the process and phases someone goes through during a tragic time of death or grief, or in my case, dehydration.

Stage 1: Denial - Miles 1-3

"I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."

Instead of learning from past mistakes, I opted to go on a long ass run without the safety net of a Camelbak to keep me hydrated. What's the big deal? I'll just hydrate myself before I run. I don't feel like messing with the Camelbak juggling around on my back. I'm sure there will be drinking fountains along the way, right? Wrong.

Stage 2: Anger - Miles 4-5

"Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"

Once the initial feel-good mentality wore off, I started getting thirsty. And I started to think about it constantly instead of anything else that would not remind me that I was running and parched. Around this point I started spitting and noticed that it was the thick milky stuff that meant I was running low on the liquids. After that, the headache kicked in from dehydration and the sunglasses/headband/headphones combo that pressed on my temple like a vice. Moral started to get low. And the half way point was not even in sight yet. God dammit, why didn't I wear the Camelbak? Why am I so thirsty? It's not like I went out drinking the night before. Fuck this. I'm not turning around. Uggghhhh.

Stage 3: Bargaining - Mile 6

"Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."

As I reached the half way marker, I pleaded with anyone listening in my head including the man upstairs that I would give anything for a drink of water. The headache was rocking, the skin was starting to get salty, and the mouth felt like I held it under a hand dryer in a bathroom for an hour. Please God, just get me through this. All I can think about is how thirsty I am. And I have a long way to go. A long way to go.

Stage 4: Depression - Mile 7-12

"I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"

The depression phase kicked in at the point when I had to stop and speed walk for a half mile or so. Everywhere I looked there was a reminder of water that I couldn't have. There was a stream nearby so I could hear the running water. People passed me on bikes or walking with jugs of water in their hands, full of course, and being wasted. I was tempted to stop someone and ask for a shot of water, but didn't want to sink that low. I saw an above ground pool in one person's backyard. It was uncovered and had leaves floating in it. I bet that water would have tasted delicious. And I considered hopping a fence to find out. Throughout the running path I saw at least 200 empty plastic pop bottles that once contained a refreshing, thirst-quenching treat. Not anymore. None for me. No gas stations in sight. No drinking fountains. No water anywhere. I'm so thirsty. Wah wah wah.

Stage 5: Acceptance - Mile 13

"It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

With the finish line in sight, I started preparing myself for what I would do when I got home. Would I stick my head under the kitchen faucet? Would I chug a can of pop? Would I shove a hose in my mouth and turn it on full blast? No, I would cherish the moment, if there was any cherishing to be done. When I got home, I opened the back door, said whimpered "hi" to Bo, and grabbed my 80 oz. Michigan big gulp mug. I filled it up with an ice cube tray full of ice, and topped it off with 3 cans of Big K Diet Cola. That's all I had, and that would do just fine. Piss would do fine, but cola would take preference. I sucked about half of it down and was immediately filled with the sensation that I was either going to sneeze or puke. Luckily, I sneezed. I collapsed on the couch and drank the rest of my big gulp. Once I gained my composure, I decided to do something I haven't done in the 4 years I have lived in my house...I took a bath. I filled the big gulp back up and sat in a tub of water and filled myself up with as many fluids as I could. "WTF?" I repeated to myself over and over. Never again. Lesson learned. Sorry Mr. Camelbak.

Mar 18, 2010

New @pp Fun-ness

[BlogPress can suck it for not allowing me to upload pics on the fly. I'll add pics when I get home.]

Random nights at 2am is iTunes App Store time. Normally it's a wash of useless @pps that aren't worth the free download and Top 25 ranking. Last night proved to be a different story because I found not one...not two...not three...but four(!) decent @pps to add to my growing collection of useless things I've always needed.

This nifty @pp allows you to insert emoticons into texts, emails, and possibly blogs?

The good: It is very easy to setup. All you have to do is run the @pp once, then change the settings on the keyboard. There are tons of emoticons to choose from. There is even one of a smiling pile of poo. What's not to like about that?

The bad: The added button to switch from alpha-numeric characters to little smiley faces on the keyboard takes a little time to get used to, but isn't anything to write home about.

green screen lite
This @pp allows you to take existing pictures, erase part of the image (like the background) and insert a new background in it's place.



The good: Cool concept. Fun to do while bored.

The bad: Its difficult to erase the backgrounds out. (See tops of images in the above example, they were covered by ads). Tutorial screens and advertisements get annoying at times. Limited backgrounds to select from.

1 mouthoff
Mouthoff is a simple @pp that has all sorts of constructive uses. Upon starting up, a cartoonish mouth appears on the phone. Hold the phone up to you mouth, and talk. The new mouth moves in sync with whatever you're saying.

The good: I haven't tested it out, but the options of busting this baby out at the most inoppoetune time sounds very appealing for some reason.

The bad: N/A

Probably the coolest of the punch is panolab. It takes pictures that are already on your phone or that you take that moment and sets it up into a panoramic template.

The good: Cool concept. Fun to use. Makes gray cubicals look amazing with epic panoramic shots. Can't wait to test this out in The Big House.

The bad: Takes a little practice to get the hang of it. The width of the image is limited in the free version.

Mar 15, 2010

Death By Hippo Or Crackhead?

Hippos are scary. Crackheads might just be scarier.

So if you had to choose between:

A) Getting attacked by a hippo in a Sub-Saharan African river


B) Getting jumped by a crackhead in a back-alley of the ghetto

Which would you choose, and why?
Mar 14, 2010

Grandma Says, "Don't Forget To Set Your Clocks"

There are two guaranteed phone calls I know I will always get from my grandma. The first type of call is if I am getting ready to go to the doctor. Whether it is a simple check-up or getting my wisdom teeth removed, she will always call to remind me to put on a clear pair of underwear. The second type of call is when Daylight Savings Time Begins and Ends. Normally, grandma has no idea what day of the week it is, as a visit to her this past Friday proved to be evident. I took a vacation day and decided to pay good old granny a visit. She was thrown off by the fact that I was there on a Friday, instead of at work, and automatically presumed it to be Saturday or Sunday. We got it cleared up eventually, but I still think she was a little suspicious that Friday was Sunday somehow.

Anyway, I got the bi-annual clock reminder phone call from granny yesterday, and it went a little something like this:

Grandma: Hello?

Me: Hey Grandma.

Grandma: Hello?

Me: Hello?

Grandma: HELLO? HELLO?

Me: Hi!

Grandma: Ohh hi Kev...Kyle.

Me: Hey Grandma.

Grandma: [laughing] I was wondering why I couldn't hear anything. I had the wrong end of the phone held up to me ear.

Me: [Laughing].

Grandma: I just wanted to remind you to set your clocks ahead an hour.

Me: Oh yeah, thanks Grandma. That starts tomorrow though, you know, on Sunday. Today is Saturday.

Grandma: Oh I know, I like to do it the day before though.

Me: Oh I see. Well I won't forget to set my clocks back---

Grandma: No! You have to set them ahead an hour.

Me: Yes yes, that's right. I won't forget to set them ahead an hour!

Grandma: OK well I just wanted to make sure you don't forget.

Me: Haha okay thanks Grandma, have a good day!

Grandma: You too. Thanks! Bye!
Mar 11, 2010

How To: Survive A Crocodile Attack

I watched an episode of I Shouldn't Be Alive last night. It was about the family that went on a little fishing trip in a crocodile-invested river somewhere in Africa. First, they boozed it up which was Mistake #1. Then their boat was attacked by a herd of hungry hungry hippos. After the commotion, one of the members of the group, we'll call him Bob, decided to swim for the shore, despite the fact that there were hippos and crocs in the water. Mistake #2. Then he almost made it to the shore, but then saw a croc staring at him from about 10 yards away. A normally person would have just got the fuck out of the water. But not Bob. Instead, which leads to Mistake #3, Bob decided to "try to scare the croc" by going underwater and intimidating it with his stupidity. The croc didn't buy it and attacked him. It grabbed on to his arm, ripped his shoulder out of it's socket, and left some gnarly teeth marks in the arm that was snapped in 3 places. The only way Bob was able to escape was by punching a flap of skin in the back of the crocs throat that prevents water from going down it's throat. How Bob knew how to pull this move but did not know how to get out of the water is beyond me. Bob drug himself to safety after the croc let go of his arm and laid on the shore in horrible pain for a day. He was attacked by army ants and made friends with a water buffalo buffalo. Mistake #4. Don't lay on ground if ants are eating you. Eventually he was saved. But he didn't even need to put himself through the mess in the first place. With a little common sense, this all could have been avoided.

First and foremost, everyone has heard the old saying that a shark can smell a drop of blood a mile away. Crocodiles can do the same thing, sort of. Let's imagine you are standing at one end of a swimming pool that is the size of a football field. On the other side is a crocodile. You stick you toe in the pool to test the water. Splish splash. The croc can sense the ripple effect from you testing out the water. Yes, from that far away. The croc can also get from one end of the football field sized pool to the other in about 10 seconds. So if you can see him, he already knows you're there.

If you find a crocodile running at you, try not to panic. All you have to do is run in zig-zag lines and you will live to see another day.

If you find your arm down a croc's throat, punch the flap like Bob did. That might work if you're in the water, otherwise you will have larger problems, such as the fact that your arm is in an crocs mouth. Try punching its eyes if you can. You can also hold its jaws down with two hands if the mouth is closed. They can clamp down as hard as the best of them, but the muscles are weak when it comes to opening their mouth. The trick is keeping it closed, and when you're in the middle of a deadly gator roll, that will be quite difficult to do.

Lastly, stay the hell out of the water. Sharks can't live in pools, but gators can.

Mar 10, 2010

10 Random Thoughts

1. Blue beer day

H-IT-MAN: Blue beer night at milanos
Me: Gave up beer 4 lent
H-IT-MAN: Forgot im the devil
Me: Thx for reminding me tho, asshole
H-IT-MAN: Luv u

2. iPhone battery

I left the iPhone car charger in my dad's car the other day. I reached a new level of panic mode today when the "warning: 20% of battery left" message flashed up on the screen with 3 more hours to go at work.

3. Corey Haim

I wrote a blog a little while back about some of my crystal ball magical prophecies. Oddly enough, the other day I heard a cover of "Cry Little Sister" from the Lost Boys by Seasons After. I wanted to write a blog about it and talking about how I watched that movie religiously when I was little, but I never got around to it. I'm not gonna lie, it weirds me out a little bit with the unfortunate news about the passing of Corey Haim today. RIP Corey, you are now amongst other 80s giants.

4. SEO

After fooling around with all the HTML codes for the blog lately, I'm going to start pumping a little search engine optimization into this bad boy. You might notice slight changes occasionally. A big change is on the horizon because I am going to be changing the URL from cowdaddyfatsacks to something a little more fitting. More news to come on this later, but at some point you will need to update your favorites or rss feeds.

5. Bo = baby?

I was talking to Brian, a co-worker of mine that just had a little baby boy in January. He was telling me about how the little one eats, sleeps, poops, needs attention, wakes him up at random times through the night, and has turned him into a partial insomniac. Not to 1-UP his story, but it eerily reminded me of a 16lb Boston Terrier I have at home.

6. 1930s Posters

Nice posters from the 1930s. Here are a few of my favorites.

7. Warmer weather

Is it just me and half of my FB friends that have commented on the recent warm weather, or does the fact that the sun is out increase your general morale by at least 50%?

8. Tournament

On my way home from work today I heard several commercials on the radio doing spots for the upcoming NCAA BBall tourny. It's that time of the year to get the bracket busters ready. At least 5 times I heard a reference to the tournament, but they pronounced tournament as TORN-A-MENT. Uggg. C'mon people. It is pronounced TURN-A-MENT. March is going to be rough if they keep this up, sun or no sun.

9. Chipotle currency

I often think about Chipotle burritos. Especially when I'm paying for something. I look at the burrito as a $5 investment of happiness and bliss. I know it cost $6 and some change, but I round it down to $5 for easier math conversions. I have saved a lot of money asking myself the question, "Do I really need to get that Flirty Girl Fitness DVD? WAIT A SECOND! That's like four Chipotle burritos! Fuck that noise." Five bucks saved is a burrito earned. Unfortunately, the same thought process applies to bills as well. "Do I really need to pay my gas and electric bills this month? I know I left the heat on at 70 degrees and left the space heater running constantly. WAIT A SECOND! That's like sixty...SIXTY burritos! Ahh shit, they will disconnect my service if I do and send the collection agency after me. Sorry, Chipotle."

10. BDMG

There is a BD's Mongolian Grill near the gym I work out at. Lately, I have been smelling the fresh aromas of grilled meats and spices. BD is calling my name and I am listening. This weekend I am going to shoot for three plates, stacked as high as possible. The rest of the weekend will be spent in a food coma and on the toilet.