Feb 15, 2010

Girls Don't Poop. Or Fart.

[Soundtrack: Uncle Rhemus - "Zippity Do Da"]

Now this here tale didn't happen just yesterday. Nor the day before. T'was a long time ago. And in dem days, everything was mighty satisfactual. The critters - dey was closer to the folks - and da folks...dey was closer to da critter! And if you would excuuuuuuuse me for sayin' somethin'...T'was better all around. Yes sir honey, it happened on one of dem zip-a-dee-doo-dah days. Now that's the kind of day when you can't open yo mouth...without a song jump right out of it....
I don't know about the rest of you men out there, but I have lived my life under the theory that the female gender does NOT poop, defecate, or pass any sort of solid, liquid, or gas out of their bottoms. As far as I'm concerned, when it comes to women pooping and farting, it's all butterflies and blasts of pink perfume. End of story. Sorry, no time for questions.

On the flip side, guys...well...do.

A truck pulled out in front of me today that definitely won the "slogan of the day" contest.

[Scottissue. "We're #1 in the #2 business." Awesome.]

As much as I am tempted to turn this into a "Different kinds of poo" blog, I will restrain myself. When the giant poop box truck cut me off today, it reminded me of two things:
  1. My toilet sucks (but not literally)
  2. I need a new toilet
The toilet I currently own will clog up if someone looks at it the wrong way. I need a super toilet that will suck down anything I toss into it. It would be soooooooooo cool if someone would invent a kick-ass toilet that could do just that.

Someone already did.

Oh wait, what was that, Mr. Bluebird?

The super toilet is here. Zippity fuckin' do da! It's the truth. It's actual. Everything is satisfactual.

Well well well. After a little research, I stumbled across this horse beast. Santa, if you're reading, this just got bumped to the #1 spot on my "Wish List" for Xmas two thousand ten.

We have all had those nights where we ingested a bucket of golf balls,18 hot dogs, a gallon sized bag of carrots, or 3lbs of dog food accidentally, so...what man wouldn't want this?