Jan 11, 2010

Big Blog Update!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have returned from Florida alive and in high spirits. Hope ya'll had a good weekend. Here is what I have done in the past 96 hours: Went to Disney World, Medieval Times, Rainforest Cafe, ran a Half-Marathon, kicked a full Marathon straight in the ass, and got a massage. To say the least, it's been a very exciting and enjoyable start of the year. I called the H-IT-man earlier today and left him the following voicemail, "HITMAN! It's Cow! Just returning your voicemails. I'm still alive. I survived the weekend...basically in the past 72 hours I have gone to medieval times, rainforest cafe, ran a marathon and a half, and now have a ladyfriend. Life is good. Call me back. All is swell in Cow Camp." Later, H-IT-man returned the call and we talked about the everything that digressed this weekend. I assured him that this was the greatest voicemail I have ever left anyone, and that it probably will ever be, and he comforted me by saying that I was a real man, and that was Okay.
I'll break the weekend down into a series of categories to make things easier, starting with –
Disney World
When I think of Disney World, I think of a big ass castle, cartoons, the dumbo ride, and all that stuff. In all actuality, Disney World is the composition of the aforementioned along with all the parks that tag along with it, such as Animal Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, Epcot Center, Wide Word of Sports, etc. They also have a ton of resorts or places to stay in that falls under this equation as well. Picture it like Jurassic Park - if you want to see Cinderella's Castle or Dumbo, go to the T-Rex pen. If you want to see the giant golf epcot ball, go to the Triceratops pen. Everything will be clean, transporation will be provided, and bust out those pocketbooks, because you will be sparing no expense during your stay.
Pop Century
The resort we stayed in was the Pop Century. It was over the top and very nice. When I first walked into the place, I was blown away by the glamor and "holy shit - we're not in Dayton anymore, Todo" factor. Everything was nice, brightly lit, and gigantic. The place had several pools, several outdoor bars, and several gigantic 60 ft tall statues. The room we stayed in was above standards, i.e. it wasnt a shithole, didnt have cockroaches crawling all over the place, and was basically enough to settle down in before you headed out again. In all honesty, aside from the check-out procedures I will get to later on, it was top of the line. Concierge service answered my questions, staff was friendly (when they could speak Spanglish) and all in all very nice.
When it comes to pre-game meals for athletic events, I am the complete opposite to what science would suggest as anything close to normality. Off the top of my head, I had the following things to eat this weekend: A ton of airplane food/candy, Double bacon cheeseburger, french fries, chips, Mini Mouse cookie, tomoato soup, whole chicken, piece of rib, garlic bread, apple pie, supreme nacho delux, Amazing Appetizer, burger and fries from RFC, another supreme nacho delux, power bars/powergels/gu gels/cliff bars/cliff gels, bananas, and some peanuts. That is basically the fuel I ran 40 miles on, minus the peanuts. But add in a million Diet Cokes to that as well. We got a Mickey Mouse Mug that costed $13.75 or so but also came with unlimited refils. Every night I was there, I drank as many cokes as I could to earn my $13 worth, and I definitely did. So much so, that during the last night I was there, the staff actually turned the vending machines off. Not sure why, but I'm, going to go ahead and believe it was to ward me off from drinking everything they had left.
Rainforest Cafe
On Saturday night we went to one of my favorite places in the entire world, Rainforest Cafe. I renewed my subsciption to the "Safari Club" while I was there, which entitles me to priority seating, a free appetizer or 15% off the entire meal, along with 10% off anything I bought from the store. I already was a member, but left my card at home, cuz some duechebag from Joe's Crab Shack told me that that card no longer existed...but it really does, Joe's Crabs doesn't exist anymore. Oh well, I still got the card again, along with all of it's benefits. We bought some RFC plates (8 in total) that I can eat off of which I'm really stoked about. Then we ate, and that was awesome too. Eventually, I had to go to the bathroom. After I played the Urinal Game with a bunch of weird-o's, I discovered that the RFC had a top of the line hand drying system that I had not seen before. In a nutshell, you put your hands in a contraption and it dries your hands completely in 12 seconds or less. I tried it out twice, just to make sure, and it worked. I love you Rainforest Cafe.
Medieval TImes
On Friday we went to Medieval TImes. We made reservations so I was not worried about securing a seat for the dinner and tournament. We had to take a cab there from our hotel to Kissimmee where the Holy Land was located. The idiot cab driver took us on a trip around the whole god damn place, and eventually pulled up into Arabian Nights and acted like he was going to drop us off there. "...Uhhhhhh....this is not Medieval TIMES!" "Ohhhh...mon, I get dem confused, he he, I get so confused mon, hold on..." [calls someone one cell] "Speaks in satanic African tongues, probably something that would translate into "Hey dude, I got two white guys in my cab and I'm just driving around aimlessly, they totally bought the I'm confused gag and I'm about to charge them another $10 to drive them to their actually destination...oh wait...he's fucking getting out his GPS on his iPhone and giving me the Look of Death in my rear view mirror....gotta go..." So an extra 15 minutes later, we get to our destination. I would have probably killed the asshole if I wasnt standing at a brightly lit Medieval Times castle with my name on it. So we go into the ticket booth, slide in our reservation confirmation, then I slyly ask, "Would it be possible for me lord to request the valor knight thee will be pledging my alligience to for the tournament, me lady? Such as, the Blue knight?" "Ummmm, lemme see. Yes. Here ya go. Blue Knight, Table 6." Fucking score. As we walked away from the booth, I heard a "Hey man! Come here!" I walked over and, "Gimme those passes, these seats are better." "Oh wow, why thank you!" Blue Knight. Table 2. Ohhh yessss. When I walked in, I pretty much crapped my pants. Blue Knight, Table 2, was front row. Right in front of the action - Hammer Drunk Style.

So the rest of the festivities was amazing. The little girl sitting next to Greg Terry had every weapon, sword, banner, poking rod, etc., imaginable to poke him in the eye with. She never did, fortunutately for her. Dad told me that whenever he would take PR and I out somewhere, the seating arrangement would always be Dad - Kevin - Kyle - Mom. Just to spite the little girl, and her parents, I made sure I yelled "Awwwwwww FUCK! SON OF A BITCH!" as loud as I could when the Blue Knight lost. So there ya go parents, or parents to be...what to do, and what not to do, at Medieval Times.
Half Marathon
The night before the half marathon, I watch the Cowboys kick the Eagles ass. Damnit. I slept for probably 10 minutes the entire night, tossing and turning and contemplating the fate that would soon bestow upon me. At the 3am wakeup call, I got up, showered, put on my Breathe Right Strip that was conviently packed in my Marathon Plane Kit, and then lubed myself up with Greg Terry's easy glide stick and KY Jelly Warm Sensations concoction.
Chaffing is no laughing matter folks.
Then we left to get on the bus, and by bus I mean dozen of busses getting ready to haul off a bunch of Jews to undiscolsed location that might as well have been a Nazi concentration camp. When we got off the bus, and scurried towards a tent to stay warm, we counted down the hours, yes, hours until the race would start. it finally did, and we ran it, and all was well.
Full Marathon
At the 2:32am curtain call, I woke up and prepared for absolute hell. [several items are ommitted here, and will be detailed in the section to follow]. We got on the bus. We stood around. It was cold. Freezing cold. But no rain this time. Then we ran the marathon, crossed the finish line, got our medals, and all was right in the world.
Murphy's Law
I'm going to add a new section to my blog called "Murphy's Law." Since I have a friend named Murphy, whom just happens to be in law school, and just so happened to have had his law rain on my glorious parade this weekend, I thought this would be an ideal time to bring it up.
So here we go...
Murphy's Law - is an adage or epigram that is typically stated as: "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong." It is used as either a purely sarcastic musing that things always go wrong, or, less frequently, a reflection of the mathematical idea that, given a sufficiently long time, an event which is possible (non-zero probability) will almost surely take place. Although, in this case, emphasis is put on the possible bad occurrences.

Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance
That's the seven P's. What this equates to, in Marathon terms, is make sure everything works, have a Plan A, Plan B, and a Plan C just in case. This is especially importantly if you're flying out of town for a marathon. Now before I get into this, here is a personal side note about myself...I try to plan and prepare for the worst for everything. In the case of running, I train for the marathon by wearing the same clothing, iPod, iPod holder, headphones, shoes, shoestrings, headband, and anything else that I might need to get me through the race. It's comforatable, I've tested it out and I know it works, and nothing can happen, and if it does, I have a backup plan. This weekend proved the complete opposite.
Enter Murphy's Law.
  • The night before flying to Florida, I got zero hours of sleep.
  • After checking into the hotel, we set out to get our race packet stuff. We thought the expo was at the Epcot Center. So we took a bus there. Then we found out that the expo was actually at the Wide World of Sports. So then we had to take a bus to Hollywood Studios. Then a bus to WWoS.
  • Once we got to the expo, we stood in line to pick up our race packet for about 20 minutes until we realized that we were standing in line for something that we didn't need to stand in line for.
  • Even in Florida, there are still people that talk shit about Michigan. At least they are friendly, and hate OSU too. So that wasn't as bad.
  • Taxi cab drivers try to steal your money.
  • On the bus ride to the half marathon, a PowerGel pack exploded in my hip pouch and doused my iPhone in goo.
  • Three minutes into the half marathon, my iPod died. The hours I spent putting together the perfect playlist, and even blogging about it, is completely null and void at this point.
  • After the half marathon, it was raining ice (not men). It was colder than shit. The procedure for getting on the busses to get back to the hotels was a operational nightmare. We waited at least 30 minutes to get on a bus.
  • A grandma came out of the woodwork and needed to be loaded on the bus we were finally able to get on, which halted the process of actually getting on the bus by another 10 minutes so they could haul her ass and wheelchair on the bus. Sorry, I love old people and grandmothers...but this was neither the place for old people or grandmothers.
  • On the bus on the way home from the RFC, a baby screamed bloody murder the entire time. I used my iPhone @app that plays a very high pitch noise that only little people, including babies, can here, and that only escalated the situation. Oh well.
  • On the bus to the full marathon, I broke the fanny pack (AKA Batman utility belt) that keeps me alive during the race.
  • Dad has relaced my marathon shoes with the Goofy shoe strings that came with our race packet. I tried to relace them, screwed it up, and had to have him relace them in sub-freezing temperatures.
  • Three minutes into the marathon, my iPod died AGAIN.
  • After the marathon was over, and we got on the bus, and got back to the hotel, we had exactly 13 minutes to pack up our shit before we would be charged for another night in the room.
  • I didn't get to shower until 11pm after the marathon.