Dec 31, 2010

Happy New Years!

Happy New Years Everyone! And remember, it's two thousand eleven... not twenty eleven!

Dec 28, 2010

Losing $800,000

$800,000 is on the line.

All you have to do is answer one question:

What item was sold in stores first?
(1) Mac computers, (2) Sony Walkman, or (c) Post-It Notes

The answer is SONY WALKMAN!

Dec 27, 2010

Rant of the Week: Letting the Phone Ring Way Too Long

If you work in an office setting, I am sure you have experienced this particular rant at least once in your professional career, if not on a daily basis. So let's say you are sitting at work. It's two days after Christmas, and a lot of people aren't in the office because they are on vacation. In one of the empty cubes next to you, there is a phone, and it starts ringing.

Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. RING. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. RIIINGGGGGG.

I'm not sure what the person on the other end of the line's reasoning was, but after the 100th or so ring, and if nobody picks up, it is probably a good indication that nobody is going to answer. Maybe that is just me though. The ringing always stops right before I convince myself to get up and walk over to the phone and hang it up. I always act this out in my head when this stuff happens just to relieve the stress that the ringing caused me. Finally there is a moment of silence. I hold my breath and wait for it. Ring ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring ring. There it is again! 100 more times! What the hell!? Seriously? A few hours later, the same thing all over again. Still nobody there to answer. Why even call? Try another number for God's sake. I swear the next time this happens I'm going to take my brass balls over to the desk and hang the damn phone up.
Dec 22, 2010

Mannheim Steamroller

So yeah. That was the sweet pic I took at the Mannheim Steamroller concert last night. If you ever get the chance to see them live, especially around X-Mas time - Do it.

My favorite song they play was the good ole song from Tetris.

And cuz you can't have one without the other...

And the 2012 Nobel Peace Price goes to...

For his humanitarian efforts combined with the miraculous discovery of Champion Beef Jerky and Guacamole world-famous combo... Kyle Terry!
Dec 17, 2010

FAMILY GUY - "All I Really Want For Christmas"

This is my new favorite Christmas song. Freakin' brilliant.

Dec 15, 2010

Not For Human Consumption

Alright. So let's say you are hungry and decide to go to the grocery store to get something to eat. What do you buy? Pizza? Pizza rolls? Chicken nuggets? A steak? Fish sticks? One of those hot and ready whole chickens? Decisions, decisions.

What if while you were strolling through the isles, you got sidetracked and found yourself in front of the dog food sections. You see Beggin' Strips. You see cans of Alpo. You see Milkbones. You know, all that kind of stuff that DOGS EAT, right? And then your eyes focus in on one of the greasy, stinking ass hambones that is a $2.99 fillet mignon for your DOG. Still hungry, you pull it off of the rack and read the information on the back. Wait? What is this?

NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION?! You have got to be shitting me! But the thought of gnawing on a disgusting pig leg that smells like someone's colon exploded in your face was really going to hit the spot tonight. Blasted! Thank God for the warning on the label though, because surely you would have bought it for supper.


You've got to be kidding me.


Dec 14, 2010

Life Lessons with Deputy Cow #2

I once read a book that contained cheesy life lessons and food for thought. It covered random topics about stuff such as what color to paint a wall, how to negotiate buying a car, when to give flowers to someone, and so on and so forth. One of the tidbits was

Don't play cards.

I'm not really sure what my reasoning was at the time, but I decided to follow this rule. Of course, there were exceptions to when playing cards was okay, and most of those exceptions involved magic tricks, college, and beer. But other than that, I stayed away from cards. I survived the online gambling craze somehow. You won't find me sitting around a card table on random week nights with a bunch of acquaintances playing poker and smoking stogies. It's just not my thing.

A new exception to the rule is one that I will have to embrace - and that exception is surviving the holiday season. And that means family gatherings and a little card game called Euchre.

I have no idea how to play euchre. I don't know the strategies, the secret code words, or what it all means in the grand scheme of things. But I do know that I will learn this game of euchre before Sunday rolls around, because I will find myself in a high stakes game of "prove to everyone that you are not an idiot." I am too competitive not to play this game. And if I'm gonna play, I damn well better win. In between euchre games, I will play paper-rock-scissors with little kids 20 years younger than me, and I will beat them at that too.

Lesson: Learn how to play cards. Even if you hate playing cards, learn 'em. Figure out the basics, such as poker, euchre, blackjack, etc. Also learn the lingo. If you hear someone say "5 card stud," they might be talking about the time I held 5 cards, but they are probably talking about something else too.

Dec 13, 2010

How To of the Week: Airports

How To of the Week: Airports

  • Don't be an idiot.
  • Move fast.
  • Figure out where you are going before you get there.
  • Get your boarding pass.
  • Put all of your belongings in the security check-point bins with a quickness.
  • Walk through the X-ray scanner.
  • If you go through the new airport security thing, put your hands behind your head press your elbows back like your trying to pop your boobs out of your shirt. [Seriously. I got flagged to go through the new scanner at 5am and they instructed me to do the same maneuver. After I walked out of the new X-ray contraption, I had to stand in limbo-land and create small talk with the homeland security guy until i was waved to go through. I powers at be detected some sort of "threat" in my head and radioed in to the security guy to double check my head for possible security threats. He inspected my head but didn't find anything. My best guess is that my GOLDEN BRAINS set the scanners off. That's alright, I can live with that.]
  • Figure out the gate you have to go to.
  • Make a mental note of your boarding time.
  • Also make a note of your seat number and boarding zone number.
  • Sit and wait.
  • Get in line when your boarding zone is called, and refresh your memory as to where you will be sitting.
  • Walk down the ramp and prepare to board the plane.
  • Walk down the aisle to your seat.
  • Secure your carry-on bag as fast as possible and sit your ass down. This should take no longer than 10 seconds after you are standing in the row of your seat.
  • Fly.
  • Land.
  • Grab your bag, and evacuate the plane as fast as you can.
  • Stay out of every one's way.
  • Run to your next way point and repeat the steps above or exit the airport.

The key here, folks, is to know what you are doing, where you are going, and to move fast. The airport is not a place to walk around like you have your head cut off and wonder around aimlessly trying to get in other peoples way. Move move move. Go go go.

Life Lessons with Deputy Cow #1

First up, let's establish some ground rules:

Dec 12, 2010

Don't Mess with... Deputy Cow

Yeehaw! I'm back from Texas and ready to introduce a new section to The Cow Show. The latest addition will contain life lessons from the #1 authority in the land, Deputy Cow. Guys and Gals, I give you...

Dec 7, 2010

King For The Day

There is nothing better than getting a massage after running a marathon. I enjoy declaring the day I get a massage as "King for the day." No matter what happens that day, I am King. Yesterday was no exception. In fact, I literally was king because Kathy (my kickass massage therapist) actually gave me a crown after I walked in her office. She even decorated it. To top it off, the damned thing even fit my head. Then I got my massage, which was unbelievable, and my morale when from 1 to 100 in an hour. King. For. The. Day. If you live in the Dayton-area and need a massage, hit me up and I'll give you her contact information. You won't be disappointed.
Nov 29, 2010

Rant of the Week: Stepping in Dog Shit

In my opinion, you're not a real man unless you have at least one "stepped in dog shit" story. I can't tell you exactly when the topic will come up - but it will come up. Maybe you are talking about dogs. Maybe you are talking about poo. Maybe, just maybe, you are talking about pooping dogs. Perhaps someone is telling you about a crappy day they are having and you decide to 1-UP them with your "Oh yeah? Well I stepped in dog shit this morning!" story. It happens. I'm not trying to be gross. It just happens.

I've got two stories. Before I begin, the inspiration for this happened earlier this week when I was returning The Dark Knight to it's owner, Mr. Gregory E. Just about the time I pulled out of the driveway, I noticed a horrible smell. FML. That is... sniff sniff... that is dogshit. I took my shoe off and turned it over to check it out. Clean. Driving down the road, I checked the other one (don't worry, I had cruise control on, and a seatbelt fastened to my chest). I looked at the bottom of the other shoe. Splash 1 Goose. Dogshit. I took the shoe off and drove barefoot to the home of The Man, praying to God that I didn't get dogshit on anything inside the PT.

Stepping in Dog Shit Story #1
When I was in high school, I had a bunk bed/futon. I slept on the top bunk. The bottom bunk was folded into a couch. One morning, I woke up late and sprung up out of my slumber. Instead of climbing down the ladder off the futon, I cannon-balled off the top bunk and landed on my bedroom floor. After all, I was a finely tuned athletic machine at 18 years old, so this wasn't a big deal. Well, on this particular morning, I jumped off the top bunk and when I hit the ground, I noticed something was wrong. Very wrong. My left foot landed safely, but my right foot felt... weird. Squishy weird. I was wearing socks, but as I kicked my foot up to investigate, I realized that the bottom of my sock was covered in dogshit. In short, I jumped 10 feet from the air and landed in dogshit.

Stepping in Dog Shit Story #2
This one is worse. When Bo was little, he got a bad case of the runs. He still didn't know the difference from pooping in my bedroom and pooping outside. One day, he took a crap on the new wood floors that Greg Terry installed on my bedroom floor. When I got out of bed that morning, I stood up and took a step towards the door and felt that same feeling I had back in high school once. But this time, I wasn't wearing any socks. I looked down and saw poop squished between my toes. Hot poop. Fresh, hot poop. I didn't get it completely at first and took a few steps and tracked the poop through my bedroom before I realized what happened. I stepped in a hot pile of dogshit.
Nov 28, 2010



: being at once bitter and sweet; especially : pleasant but including or marked by elements of suffering or regret
I can't wait to watch The Walking Dead tonight, but I'm not looking forward to the 8 hour zombie nightmare that will follow. It's a bittersweet feeling.
Nov 23, 2010

Ohhhh yeah! Time for another round of the Nostradamus Blog Effect. In case you missed the first two parts of the trilogy, here there are:

Nostradamus Blog Effect

Nostradamus Blog Effect Strikes Back

This time around, we've got quite the doozy for you. Thanks to "Rat Face" Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers, the last two teams they have played, the Cowboys and the Vikings, have both ended up in a total blowout that resulted in the coach on the losing team getting fired. Those coaches would be Wade Phillips and Brad Childress. Now before you ask yourself why those names sound so familiar, I will tell you. They were the last two Idiot's of the Week!

Yup. Take that one to the bank. I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin'.

Nov 20, 2010

Coupon: This Is Not A Coupon


So what you are saying is... wait... what are you saying? If this is "NOT A REDEEMABLE COUPON" then how am I going to save money on a future purchase with this coupon.

Nov 18, 2010
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

Here's my take on the whole thing. How To: Bathrooms

Idiot of the Week: Brad Childress

Continuing the trend of football coaches that also happen to be idiots, I bring you this week's idiot: Brad Childress. Personally, I could care less. As long as the Packers beat the Vikings on Sunday. I guess all the Vikings hate Childress because he is an idiot. PorkRice thinks he is a huge idiot. So much, in fact, that he already knows who will take over the helm for the Vikings next year.

If you don't get the joke, he wants John Gruden to be the next coach. John Gruden looks like Chucky.

Nov 15, 2010

Rant of the Week: Driving With The Sun In Your Face

I'm not a morning person. Never have been. Never will be. My mornings typically start off at 3am, 5am, and 5:30am when Bo wakes me up for some random reason. As soon as I fall asleep, I'm back up again. Nightmares excluded. The morning ritual consists of laying in bed delaying the inevitable for 20 minutes while I listen to the sweet sounds of my alarm clock, as sampled below;

When I eventually rise out of bed, I relive the Home Alone 2 "race through the airport scene." After that, I shower, find some clothes to wear, take Bo outside, prepare Bo's anti-seizure cocktail, bring Bo back inside, lock the doors, stuff my backpack full of Diet Coke, whisper a few sweet nothings in Bo's ear, curse the world to infinity, lock more doors, and hop in my car. When I get in my car, I turn on the heated seats and put on my sunglasses. Yes, the time change has kicked in, and it is still in that time of the day when the sun can't decide whether it is coming up or just gonna sit there, but I put the sunglasses on. I'm not a morning person. I just crawled out of my cave, and now I have to face the world. As soon as I hit the highway, I am bathed in sunlight. The sun has decided to rise up just as it does every morning, but it shines an extra beam of light straight in my retinas. I can't see at all. I am constantly paranoid of the idiots around me while driving, and this is a 45 second window where I am at my weakest. I can't see. The sun is in my face. It hates me. I'm not a morning person. The sun in my face turns to road rage and by the time I merge onto the next highway, I am finally able to see again. An hour after the alarm goes off, I open my eyes for the first time. If today was "Opposite Day," I would describe this moment as being "happy as a clam." But I don't really like that saying, because when I hear people say that it pisses me off. How the hell can a clam be happy anyways? Albeit, it is the summary of my mornings. Every morning. Sun in my face. Pissed off. Can't see. I'm not a morning person.

Alien Booth Fun

I am fascinated by all these @pps that allow me to morph a picture of someone or something into a zombie or a random creature. I discovered this little gem called Alien booth over the weekend and found it to be quite the crowd pleaser. When you load the @pp, you have to put your thumb on the circle for a "DNA scan" to open it up. Kinda cheesy, kinda kick ass. Next, you have to load a picture or take one on the spot, and then line up the eyes and mouth so the @pp can work it's magic. Here are two samples:

[Me - Before]

[Me - After]

[Sammy - Before]

[Sammy - After]

Nov 12, 2010

Dancing Bird

Every once in awhile I am able to accept a sad fact of reality. Today was one of those days. I just discovered that a freaking bird dances better than I do. FML.

Nov 10, 2010

Happy Birthday: The Cow Show


So... uhhh... Happy Birthday to... me?

It's been a whole year since I started this blog, folks. 365 days, 466 posts, 10,000+ hits, and 17 followers later, I am at the one year anniversary of something that I originally created on a whim and saw before my eyes transform into something I would consider "special." My original intent for this thing was to make sure I wrote something every single day of my life for a whole year. For the most part, I held to that self-promise and delivered content in some form or another on a daily basis. To put it into perspective, over the last year, if you copy + pasted all of the junk on my blog and put it into a Word document, you would come up with a masterpiece(?) that was 377 pages long. Yes. 377 pages. Of stuff I wrote. During my "free" time. Just for shits and giggles. 377. Not that this was some sort of epic struggle, but I definitely couldn't have found the inspiration to keep on keeping on if it wasn't for a lot of people.

Whether you are someone in my personal life, professional life, or some random person that keeps coming to my blog - I would like to thank you. This whole thing went from a random idea --> personal goal --> actual blog --> countless "Hey, check out my blog" phone calls --> hardcore dedication to writing something every night --> obsessing over blog --> HTML coding --> drinking beer --> re-registering URLs --> skipping out on Friday nights for some reason to "blog" --> feelings of paranoia that the wrong person would discover my blog at the right time --> not caring --> Idiot/How To/Rants of the Week --> countless hours writing and scouring Youtube --> and so on and so forth.

The response for doing this has been tremendous, and again, I want to thank everyone for reading what I have to say and bringing it up with me in our daily interactions. It is a kick ass feeling to talk to someone and hear them say "oh yeah, I read that on your blog." So again, thank you to everyone for reading, commenting, and inspiring me to do something that I love doing. Happy Birthday to The Cow Show, and I wish it many more years to come.




Ladies and gentlemen - Boys and girls - Children of all ages - The Internets proudly brings to you - It’s soon to be WWW “Greatest Blog Champions of the World!” – The Cow Daddy Fat Sacks – The Mr. Bo Jangles – The [New Age] Cow Showwwwwwww!!!

…Whew. Now that I got that out of my system, let’s talk about sex scandals, shall we? BAM. I said it. S-E-X. Sex. I have three reasons for bringing up this topic.

First off, sex is a controversial subject. I like controversy. The media loves controversy. If the reason you are reading this is because you stumbled across one of my relentless e-marketing attacks, saw the word “sex” and decided to click on the link, or perhaps went to your favorite search engine and typed in “cow sex” or “how to have sex with cows” or “idiot that had sex with a cow” and came upon my humble online abode, then maybe…just maybe…you also have a thing for controversy too. This leads me to my next point.

Secondly, a good portion of the traffic I get to this blog is generated from a single post that I wrote about back on February 28th entitled Modern Inferno. Unlike the rest of my mindless ramblings, I put a significant amount of time and effort into the Modern Inferno post and it seems to have paid off. As I skimmed over the recent keyword analysis in regard to how people found my blog, I noticed an interesting searching trend. People have been typing in search terms such as ‘modern inferno’, ‘Dante’s Inferno nine layers of hell-diagram’, ‘modern sullen people’, ‘The Cow Show Modern Inferno’, and ‘were the gatekeepers in Dante’s Inferno good or bad people’, and eventually landing on this blog. For the curious out there, other popular search terms include areas such as ‘alien conspiracies’, ‘dehydration’, ‘shitting cows’, some sort of ‘Chipotle/QDoba burrito’ reference, ‘Alice in Wonderland’, ‘’, and ‘pooping cows’. At any rate, if I’m going to invest the time and energy into writing about a given topic, every once in awhile I might as well write about some sort of content that people are looking for and would be interested in reading. This is not selling out. If I was selling out, I would be doing a movie review on Sex & The City 2 or something worthless like that.

The last reason I bring up sex scandals is because I watched more E! News than I would care to admit awhile ago and was informed about a particular Kendra Sex Tape that has been released to the masses. This meticulous indignity perked my interest and gave me the idea to do a little research on sex scandals, sex tapes, and celebrity sex whoopsies. In summary, sex is a controversial topic, popular issues bring people to my blog, and some individuals in this world, no matter how sweet and innocent they are on the surface, are down ‘n dirty, hardcore tramps.


Before I go any further, I would like to submit the following disclaimer:
This is not some sort of porno blog or attempt to turn this shin-dig into the next I’m simply doing this because I find it interesting and feel like educating myself and more importantly, enlightening my faithful followers (that would be you.) Furthermore, I absolutely despise going to strip clubs. It’s just not my scene. I don’t sit around watching pornography all night. But I do think Playboy is an awesome magazine and I also read their articles. I don’t have a JC Penny catalog bookmarked to the bra section stashed away under my bed somewhere. The content I’m discussing is strictly my e-pinion. I actually have general principles, values, and morals. I am not a soul-less void. But I will call it how I see it and sometimes that may come off as being brutally honest. If you are offended by anything I write, don’t read it.

Now that we have a better understanding for one another, I will borrow a lyric from the musical wonder that is Salt-N-Pepa:

Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex
Let's talk about sex


In order to understand the uncut, uncensored history of sex scandals, we need to revisit the basics. Religious or not, the origins go way back to the story of Adam and Eve. Even though these two lovebirds didn’t technically exist, they are the first representation of anything remotely close to a sex scandal in the history books. Feel free to get yourself caught up to speed, if so inclined, by reading the following excerpt that I wrote for some homework assignment about ten years ago.

Analysis of the Creation Story of Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden

In the story of creation, God created the earth. He makes the sky, land, oceans, plants, animals, birds, sun, moon and stars, and everything else. He is satisfied with what he has made and he thinks it is good.

In this chapter of the Bible, one of God’s new creations, man, becomes lonely. God soon realizes this and so he creates the man a companion he called woman. These two people live in a garden called Eden. Eden is a beautiful garden with various plants in it. In the center of the garden is a tree which contains the fruit of knowledge of good and evil. Soon, the man and the woman, whose names are Adam and Eve, respectively, find themselves at this tree. A snake, who represents the devil, tricks Adam and Eve into eating the fruit from the tree which was forbidden by God. After they eat the fruit they realize that they are naked so they clothe themselves with fig leaves. God later finds out that they ate the fruit, and he banishes them from the garden.

I think that the writer(s) of this first chapter was trying to give a reasonable explanation for how the world was created. I think they did a very good job. They came about doing this in a way that all people, even children, would recognize as soon as they heard it. If you ask anyone what the first few words of the Bible are, they would tell you, “In the beginning…” Also, when God thinks that everything he makes is good, this lets the reader know that everything God makes is good, including him or her.

After God creates the world and everything in it, God makes man. He takes some clay from the earth and forms it from his own image into man. They he blows the breath of life into the man’s nostrils. After this, he thought it was good, and he was satisfied.

In the next two chapters, the story of how man and woman were created was written. Then, as Adam and Eve eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, original sin came to be. These chapters also explain why women supposedly have pregnancy pains, because Eve ate from the tree she was not supposed to. I think this tries to enforce that with every decision a person makes, there is possibly a positive and negative reaction to it, in this case, a negative action. Overall, these chapters lay out the groundwork for the rest of the Bible so that it is easier to get the “big message” across, in an easy and understandable way.

And so it begins. Two naked people - one male, one female - are dropped into a Rainforest Café and live a lifestyle that would be turned into a movie several thousand years later called The Blue Lagoon.

Take out the forbidden fruit and replace it with a nonstop fornication and you are left with the explanation as to why people would be damned for eternity and scalded with Original Sin.


Ancient Sex Scandals: Did We Get It On With Neanderthals?

What everyone istalking about is that this study 'proved' ancient people f*cked Neandertals. Not only were there romantic trysts between these different hominid lineages, they led to human-Neandertal hybrids, the evidence of which is written in the genomes of all people from Europe and Asia.

fter plowing through most of the paper, one arrives at a section titled "Neandertals are closer to non-Africans than to Africans." In it, the scientists lay out their argument for inter-species sex. What they did to determine this, in their own words was:

"To test whether Neandertals are more closely related to some present-day humans than to others, we identified SNPs by comparing one randomly chosen sequence from each of two present-day humans and asking if the Neandertals match the alleles of the two individuals equally often. If gene flow between Neandertals and modern humans ceased before differentiation between present-day human populations began, this is expected to be the case no matter which present-day humans are compared."

They found that when they compared a European and an Asian to the Neandertals, there was no significant difference. But when they compared an African and any non-African lineage, the Africans were less similar to the Neandertals than other people. They estimate that 1-4% of non-Africans genome is Neandertal genes.

What is certain is that sex sells, which is why the only thing the media is talking about when it comes to this paper is that ancient people may have shagged their evolutionary siblings. It's just so damned frustrating because the sexual exploits of early humans is only the tiniestpiece of this huge discovery. Oh, the things we may learn from this genome about our own evolution, and our closest relatives! Whether we had sex with Neandertals or not, the work this team has done will change forever our understanding of hominid evolutionary history. The impact this genome will have on the science of human evolution is huge. The breakthrough science, the future implications of this work - that's what the media should be talking about - not ancient sex scandals.

Julias Caesar & Cleopatra

In comes Caesar, traveling to Egypt in order to collect debts owed to him. Upon his arrival in Egypt, Cleopatra feels she needs to speak to him. In order to do this secretly, Cleopatra has herself wrappedin a rug and brought to Caesar. Caesar took a liking to young Cleopatra and a relationship developed between the two. (Even though Caesar was already married) Caesar saw to it that Cleopatra regain her rightful throne and she sat as ruler of Egypt due to Caesar's handiwork.

Cleopatra later bore a son, whom she named Ptolemy Caesarion. It is likely that the father was Caesar, since he traveled with Cleopatra in the time of her pregnancy. Caesar, however, never admitted the son to be his. (Cleopatra would later marry Mark Antony and with him bear three children.)
King Henry VIII

Henry was an attractive and charismatic man in his prime, educated and accomplished. He ruled with absolute power. His desire to provide England with a male heir—which stemmed partly from personal vanity and partly because he believed a daughter would be unable to consolidate the Tudor Dynasty and the fragile peace that existed following the Wars of the Roses—led to the two things that Henry is remembered for today: his wives, and the English Reformation that made England a Protestant nation. In later life he became morbidly obese and his health suffered; his public image is frequently depicted as one of a lustful, egotistical, harsh and insecure king.

Napoleon Bonaparte

In 1810, he had his childless marriage to Josephine de Beauharnais annulled and married the daughter of the Austrian emperor in the hope of having an heir. A son, Napoleon, was born a year later.

"Father, May I? Yes, you may." - The Church

The 2004 John Jay Report was based on a study of 10,667 allegations against 4,392 priests accused of engaging in sexual abuse of a minor between 1950 and 2002. The number 4,392 represents four percent of the 109,694 priests in active ministry during that time.


  • 56 percent had one reported allegation against them; 27 percent had two or three allegations against them; nearly 14 percent had four to nine allegations against them; 3 percent (149 priests) had 10 or more allegations against them. These 149 priests were responsible for almost 3,000 victims, or 27 percent of the allegations.
  • The allegations were substantiated for 1,872 priests and unsubstantiated for 824 priests. They were thought to be credible for 1,671 priests and not credible for 345 priests. 298 priests and deacons who had been completely exonerated are not included in the study.
  • 50 percent were 35 years of age or younger at the time of the first instance of alleged abuse.
  • Almost 70 percent were ordained before 1970.
  • Fewer than 7 percent were reported to have themselves been victims of physical, sexual or emotional abuse as children. Although 19 percent had alcohol or substance abuse problems, only 9 percent were reported to have been using drugs or alcohol during the instances of abuse.
  • 76 percent are pedophiles, 32 percent ephebophiles, 15 percent 11 & 12 year olds only (both male and female), 20 percent indiscriminate, and 27 percent mildly indiscriminate.
  • There were approximately 10,667 reported minor victims of clergy sexual abuse during this period
  • Around 81 percent of these victims were male.
  • 22.6% were age 10 or younger, 51% were between the ages of 11 and 14, and 27% were between the ages to 15 to 17 years.
  • A substantial number (almost 2000) of very young children were victimized by priests during this time period.
  • 9,281 victim surveys had information about an investigation. In 6,696 (72%) cases, an investigation of the allegation was carried out. Of these, 4,570 (80%) were substantiated; 1,028 (18%) were unsubstantiated; 83 (1.5%) were found to be false. In 56 cases, priests were reported to deny the allegations.
  • More than 10 percent of these allegations were characterized as not substantiated. (This does not mean that the allegation was false; it means only that the diocese or order could not determine whether the alleged abuse actually took place.)
  • For approximately 20 percent of the allegations, the priest was deceased or inactive at the time of the receipt of the allegation and typically no investigation was conducted in these circumstances.
  • In 38.4% of allegations, the abuse is alleged to have occurred within a single year, in 21.8% the alleged abuse lasted more than a year but less than 2 years, in 28% between 2 and 4 years, in 10.2% between 5 and 9 years and, in under 1%, 10 or more years.
  • Many of the reported acts of sexual abuse involved fondling or unspecified abuse. There was also a large number of allegations of more grave abuse, including acts of oral sex and intercourse. Detailed information on the nature of the abuse was not reported for 26.6% of the reported allegations. 27.3% of the allegations involved the cleric performing oral sex on the victim. 25.1% of the allegations involved penile penetration or attempted penetration.
  • Although there were reported acts of sexual abuse of minors in every year, the incidence of reported abuse increased by several orders of magnitude in the 1960s and 1970s. There was, for example, a more than six-fold increase in the number of reported acts of abuse of males aged 11 to 17 between the 1950s and the 1970s. After peaking in the 1970s, the number of incidents decreased through the 1980s and 1990s even more sharply than the incidence rate had increased in the 1960s and 1970s.


Thomas Jefferson

Jefferson’s relation with Sally Hemings, the African-American slave who was his wife’s half-sister (they had the same father) and with whom he had six children, makes this America’s most scandalous sex scandal. As a bachelor, he was accused of attempting to seduce his close friend John Walker’s wife, Betsy, and, after his wife Martha died, he apparently had an affair in Paris with Mrs. Maria Cosway. However, according to Sally Hemings’ son, Madison, she served Jefferson at Monticello as chambermaid, seamstress, nursemaid-companion and, later, lady’s maid to his daughters; he referred to his mother as “Jefferson’s concubine.” Four of the children that Hemings had with Jefferson survived to adulthood, two females and two males – all appeared to be white in complexion and Jefferson set them all free. Ironically, Hemings was not freed by Jefferson but given “her time” (a form of unofficial freedom so she could live in Virginia) by his daughter, Martha Randolph.
James Buchanan

Buchanan appears to be America’s only gay president. While homosexuality was a far different phenomenon in the 19th century then it is today, Buchanan lived for many years with William Rufus King, an Alabama Senator. The two men were considered inseparable and were the butt of much mockery. Andrew Jackson dubbed King "Miss Nancy" and Aaron Brown, a prominent Democrat, writing to Mrs. James K. Polk, referred to him as Buchanan's "better half," "his wife" and "Aunt Fancy . . . rigged out in her best clothes." The only question for his contemporaries was whether Buchanan’s infatuation with King rose to the level of a scandal.
Alexander Hamilton

While serving as secretary of the treasury, Hamilton was living in Philadelphia with his wife, Elizabeth, and children. He was approached by a young damsel in distress, Maria Reynolds, and got involved in a two year sexual liaison that turned into a blackmail scheme. Reynolds, in collusion with her husband, James, shook down Hamilton for an estimated $1,000 to continue their affair. However, James Reynolds sought support from some of Hamilton’s political enemies by suggesting that Hamilton was providing him with insider information about government finances. When challenged, Hamilton showed intimate letters with the Reynolds that cleared his name regarding insider trading, but only made his role in the adulterous affair more pathetic.

Grover Cleveland

Maria claimed that [New York Governor and Presidential candidate Grover] Cleveland was the father, although there was no way to prove it one way or another. However, Cleveland was a bachelor while the other paternity candidates were married. When the child was born in September 1874 she named him Oscar Folsom Cleveland. (Oscar Folsom was Cleveland’s law partner.)

Despite uncertainty Cleveland decided to accept paternity. He had less to lose than other possibilities. He acknowledged the boy and provided for his support. When one of his campaign leaders tried to publicly blame the deceased Oscar Folsom as the father, Cleveland had the story squelched.

Not long after the birth Maria began drinking heavily, and Cleveland had a judge commit her to an insane asylum and the child to an orphanage. He paid the orphanage expenses of $5 per week. When Maria was released, Cleveland had her set up in a business in Niagara Falls. Later she tried unsuccessfully to get custody of her son, and he was placed for adoption with a family. Cleveland paid her $500 and she left town. The son grew up to become a medical doctor.

The Republicans used the campaign slogan, “Ma Ma, Where’s my Pa?”The controversy about public service and private morality raged across the nation. The choice was between a man of personal immorality and public service integrity (Grover Cleveland) and one of a model family man guilty of using public office for personal gain (James G. Blaine). Cleveland narrowly won. After his election the Democrats answered the Republican ditty with “Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!”

Woodrow Wilson

Sex has long played a role in the world of presidential sex scandals. Woodrow Wilson, famed for his role in the progressive movement and World War I, was not without scandal. His sin, however, was not sex per se but simply an engagement. His first wife, Ellen Louise Axson, died in August of 1914. The next spring Wilson met Edith Galt and by May they were engaged. This was seen as scandalous at the time, rumors began to fly about the President including that he had even murdered his first wife in order to marry Galt (although they had not met until after Ellen had died).
Warren Harding

Harding is reported to have had an affair for fifteen year with Carrie Fulton Phillips, the wife of a friend, James Phillips. As president, he had a relationship with Nan Britton, thirty years his junior. She insisted that they had sexual liaisons in the White House and later wrote: … [H]e introduced me to one place [in the White House] where, he said, he thought we might share kisses in safety. This was a small closet in the anteroom, evidently a place for hats and coats, but entirely empty most of the times we used it, for we repaired there many times in the course of my visits to the White House. …” She concludes her intimate reflection with remarkable candor, “… and in the darkness of a space not more than five feet square the President of the United States and his adoring sweetheart made love.” Their adulterous affair culminated with the birth of an illegitimate daughter, Elizabeth Ann. When Harding died unexpectedly in 1923 from ptomaine poisoning, rumor circulated widely at the time that his wife, Florence, poisoned him.

FDR's affair with Lucy Mercer was discovered by his wife Eleanor in 1918. Roosevelt agreed to end the affair, but the romance began anew sometime later and continued while he was president. Mercer was with Roosevelt when he died in Warm Springs, Georgia in 1945, but this (like the affair itself) was kept hidden until much later.

While fighting World War II in Europe, Eisenhower allegedly began an affair with his driver, Kay Summersby. The story goes that Ike planned to divorce his wife Mamie and marry Summersby; his superior, GeneralGeorge Marshall, quashed the plan by threatening to bust him out of the army. The rumor stayed mostly under wraps until 1975, when Summersby wrote a controversial book titled Past Forgetting: My Love Affair with Dwight D. Eisenhower.

Kennedy’s affairs with Marilyn Monroe and Angie Dickinson; Inga Arvad, a Danish journalist; the stripper, Blaze Starr; Judith Exner Campbell, mistress to mob boss Sam Giancana; and White House secretaries Priscilla Weir and Jill Cowan, who were referred to as “Fiddle” and “Faddle,” have moved from scandal to presidential lore. Like the affairs of Franklin Delano Roosevelt (with Lucy Page Mercer, Marguerite Alice (Missy) LeHand and Crown Princess Marta of Norway) and Dwight D. Eisenhower (with Kay Summersby), Kennedy’s extramarital liasions were effectively surpressed.

Perhaps no other scandal in presidential history can equal the Monica Lewinsky affair for pure sensationalism and absurdity. President Bill Clinton's sexual affair with an intern ultimately led to the second presidential impeachment in the history of the country (the first was that of Andrew Johnson in 1868). Although Clinton was ultimately acquitted of any crime, the affair became a laughing stock around the world and led to one of the most unusual documents in political history: the Starr Report, which intimately and often graphically described Clinton's entire sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsy.

Clarence Thomas

When nominated for the Supreme Court in 1981, a FBI report was leaked concerning Thomas’ alleged sexual harassment of Anita Hill, a former colleague at DOE and EEOC, that nearly sunk his appointment. Before a national TV audience, Senator Orrin Hatch's questions revealed national politics as the soap opera it really is: "[D]id you ever say in words or substance something like there is a pubic hair in my Coke?" and "Did you ever use the term Long Dong Silver in conversation with Professor Hill?" Failing to substantiate Hills’ claims, Thomas was confirmed by the Senate with a 52-48 vote, the closest confirmation vote for a Justice in the 20th century.
Eliot Spitzer

Powerful Ways and Means Committee chairman (D.-Ark.) undone by his relationship with Argentinian stripper Fanne Foxe.

John Edwards

Cheated on cancer-stricken wife and fathered illegitimate child, all while running for President. At long last, John Edwards’ mistress has spoken! Rielle Hunter gave her first-ever interview to Lisa DePaulo at GQ, jam-packed with quotes she’s gonna regret: about when they first met (“There was an instant and odd connection that we both felt.”), her weird ideas on gender roles (“I could not emasculate him!”), and even about their daughter, Quinn (“She was conceived in love. She is a love child.”) And, of course, the sex tape.
Hoo boy. The biggest shocker? Rielle Hunter is about 10 times more hippy-dippy-doodle than you can even imagine. She says things like, “We’re all slaves to our unconscious” and “The force field of our love overrode any issues that would arise from my belief systems.” And her business card reads “RIELLE HUNTER. BEING IS FREE.”

Pam/Tommy Lee

Way back in 1998, a stolen sex video of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee on their honeymoon was stolen from their home and caused a huge stir. The couple became became one of Hollywood’s first Internet sex tape sensations when their romantic gateway was released on the Web.


It all began with Paris Hilton and Rick Solomon’s desire to videotape them doing the horizontal mambo for their later viewing pleasure. Alas, the couple’s love didn’t last and the tape was leaked. The party girl had even more embarrassment when another video, this time featuring a playful frolic in a bubble bath, was also leaked.
Kim Kardashian

Reality TV star Kim Kardashian enjoyed a huge boost in fame after her own sex tape featuring her and then-boyfriend rapper Ray J hit the internet. In 2007, a pornographic home video she had made with her then-boyfriend was leaked and the socialite pursued legal action against Vivid Entertainment for ownership of the tape.

Lately, Kendra Wilkinson Baskett has been the perfect picture of a carefree new wife and blissful young mom. But OK! has learned exclusively that the reality TV star and former Playboy Playmate's wild past has come back to haunt her.

Roman Polanski

Roman Polanski will not be extradited to the United States from Switzerland despite the fact that he raped a 13-year old back in 1977. Whether or not Polanski ever serves another day in prison, let’s not forget that this man is a sex offender. His victim was 13-years old. He had vaginal and anal sex with her. He came inside of the latter. He fed her alcohol and qualudes. She cried when it was over.

Minnesota Viking Sex Boat

An alleged sex party occurred on October 6, 2005 on Lake Minnetonka with seventeen key members of the Minnesota Vikings football team; including quarterback Daunte Culpepper, Fred Smoot, Mewelde Moore, Pat Williams, Bryant McKinnie, Nate Burleson, Ralph Brown, Troy Williamson, Travis Taylor, Kevin Williams, Jermaine Wiggins, Lance Johnstone, Moe Williams, Ken Irvin, and Willie Offord. Two boats were rented and some, but not all of the players performed sexual acts in front of crew members. Prostitutes from Atlanta and Florida were flown in for the party, in order to perform the sex acts. There were apparently ninety people on the two boats. An anonymous former player of the Minnesota Vikings claimed that this is not the first time that such an incident had happened.[1] The scandal has sometimes been referred to as the Love Boat scandal or as the Smoot Boat Scandal in the news, after the television program.

In July 1991, while visiting relatives, Reubens was arrested in Sarasota, Florida for masturbating while secluded in a darkened adult theater. Detectives would periodically visit pornographic theatres and observe the audience, arresting those engaged in indecent exposure. After arresting a number of other men, a detective who had been observing Reubens stopped him on his way out. While detectives examined his driver's license, Reubens told them, "I'm Pee-wee Herman", and offered to do a children's benefit for the sheriff's office, "to take care of this".The next day, after a local reporter recognized Reubens' name, Reubens' attorney made the same offer to the Sarasota Herald-Tribune in exchange for withholding the story. This was not Reubens' first arrest in the county; in 1971 he was arrested for loitering and prowling near an adult theater, though charges were later dropped. His second arrest was in 1983 when Reubens was placed on two years' probation for possession of marijuana, although adjudication was withheld. The night of the arrest Reubens fled to Nashville, where his sister and lawyer lived, and then to New Jersey, where he would stay for the following months at his friend Doris Duke's estate.

Charlie Sheen

As if Charlie Sheen's marriage to Brooke Mueller wasn't embroiled in enough turmoil, a new report involves the couple in a sex scandal. According to, the two have allegedly slept with as many as 10 people, both men and women.
Rob Lowe

In 1988, Lowe was involved in a sex scandal over a videotape of him having sex with two women, one of whom was 16. She was filmed with Lowe during the night before the Democratic National Convention. Lowe has asserted that he did not know that the second girl was underage, and it was confirmed that the two had met at a bar. At the time, Lowe was campaigning for Michael Dukakis.

Another part of the same tape was leaked at the time, showing Lowe and his friend Justin Moritt, later the line producer, both having sexual intercourse and oral sex with a young American model named Jennifer, in a hotel room in Paris. This part of the original tape was sold as one of the first commercially available celebrity sex tapes, damaging his public image.He later entered a rehabilitation clinicfor alcohol and sex addiction. Eventually, his career rebounded and Lowe mocked his own behavior during two post-scandal appearances as host of Saturday Night Live.

R. Kelly

R. Kelly has been accused of having relationships with underage girls in the past, but none of the prior reports reached the level of publicity that followed the release of a video tape in February 2002. It allegedly showed Kelly engaging in sex with and urinating on a 14-year-old girl. The tape, released by an unknown source, was sent to theChicago Sun-Times; the newspaper that broke the story. Kelly denied that he was the man in the video.

Mini Me

On June 25, 2008, a private home videotape was released which showed Troyer and his former live-in girlfriend Ranae Shrider having sex. The video, which had been made during the Easter Weekend of 2008 at Raffles L’Ermitage hotel, was leaked to the public by Shrider to TMZ. Kevin Blatt, the man responsible for brokering the deal for the Paris Hilton sex tape in 2003, attempted to sell the video. Troyer sued TMZ, Blatt, and online rental company SugarDVD, for invasion of privacy and copyright infringement. The incident was referenced in the Hedley song "Cha-Ching".


On June 11, 2007, Craig was arrested at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport on suspicion of lewd conduct in a men's restroom, where he was accused of soliciting an undercover police officer for sexual activity. During the resulting interview with the arresting officer, Craig insisted upon his innocence, disputing the officer's version of the event by stating that he merely had a "wide stance" and that he had been picking a piece of paper from the floor.
Tiger Woods

The world's No. 1 golfer, Tiger Woods, and his Swedish wife, Elin Nordegren, divorced on Monday following the torrid sex scandal that engulfed Woods late last year.
Kobe Bryant

Eagle County Sheriff investigators first confronted Bryant with the sexual assault accusation on July 2. During the July 2003 interview with investigators, Bryant stated that the sex was consensual.

Law enforcement officials collected evidence from Bryant and he agreed to submit to a rape test kit and a voluntary lie detector test. On July 4, Sheriff Joe Hoy issued an arrest warrant for Bryant. Bryant flew from Los Angeles back to Eagle Colorado to surrender to police. He was immediately released on $25,000 bond, and news of the arrest became public two days after that. On July 18, the Eagle County District Attorney's office filed a formal charge against Bryant for sexual assault. If convicted, Bryant faced probation to life in prison.

After he was formally charged on July 18, Bryant held a news conference in which he adamantly denied having raped Faber. With his wife on his side, he confessed, in tears, to having an adulterous sexual encounter with her, but insisted that everything that happened between the two had been consensual. Faber told a friend that "She couldn't believe that his wife was sitting there and apparently didn't care about adultery."

Timberlake &Janet Jackson

During the Super Bowl half-time show in 2004, Justin Timberlake ripped off a piece of Janet Jackson’s bra and we all saw nipple. It didn’t matter who won the game,Janet Jackson and CBS became big losers thanks to “Nipplegate.” Supposedly it was a “wardrobe malfunction,” but the FCC slapped ‘em with a half a million dollar fine and poor Janet, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty, was shamed. Truth be told, we thought it was hot, girl!


Kick that shizznit doggy style. Let’s see if we can’t make a little noise up in this biatch...

Keep it in your pants. If you can’t do that, don’t film it. Don’t pee on people. Don't pee on me. Don’t sleep with midgets. God damnit! Come on Peewee! In the past, people got their heads [both] chopped off for less.

Dirk Diggler