THE COW SHOW

• run a marathon
• kick ass on a daily basis, and
• create a blog

• go on at least two epic adventures that will be told for generations to come
• join the Marathon Maniacs club
• fine tune my manliness

"While it's definitely more than just monster trucks, grilling, and six-pack abs..."

1. Looks out for and is loyal to his friends and family
2. Does the right thing, even when it's not convenient
3. Is proficient in the manly arts
4. Treats women with respect and honor (and if you can't cum in her, cum on her)
5. Serves and gives back to his community
6. Sacrifices for the good of others
7. Works hard and seldom complains
8. Exhibits both great courage and tender compassion
9. Has a confident swagger but isn't a pompous jerk
10. Is witty without succumbing to sarcasm
11. Embraces instead of shirks responsibility

In 11 days, Greg Terry and I will fly out to Walt Disney World to run a half marathon on 1/9 followed by a full marathon on 1/10 to obtain the coveted "Goofy Challenge" medals. That's all good and all, but every once in awhile, we are reminded of greater challenges, greater obstacles, and greater sacrifices that one makes - not only in personal goals - but to defend His country.

This past Sunday, I met with the family and friends of Jake Marvin, whom will be heading off to Afghanistan for a year to beat the shit out of some terrorist Al-Qaeda ass.

I met Jake back in the day around 1994 as we struggled to learn how to wrestle with our fat, childish bodies. I tried to squeeze my opponents nuts into submission as fast as I could so I could bolt to the concession stands to grab a quick meal, while as Jake’s mom, Suzanne depicted for us, “he would try to end the match as soon as possible because he had to pee” [and then meet me at the concession stands to join in the pizza/candy bar buffet that would be soon to follow.] Anywho, Jake sat down at our table, looked at my dad, and asked him about a conversation they had when they ran into each other at a gas station in Hubriar Heights recently. The legend goes that Jake said "Hello" and Greg Terry followed it up with a – looking him dead in the eye (I’m sure) "When you get over there, I want you to kick some fucking Afghanistan towel-head @#$%^@&%$#$#$^ ass!…By the way, I'm getting ready to go to Disney World to win a Goofy Medal..." I'm not sure what Jake did at that moment, but I'm sure he obliged.

In all seriousness, we'll be thinking about you, Jake. Kick some ass, takes some names, and come back safely. Stay the fuck away from camel spiders and you will be good to go.

Here are two videos to get you pumped up 24/7. If you need a ready supply of tasty meats, let me know and it will be on its way. I only ask that you pose with a bag of jerky as you shoot off a bazooka or some shit, preferably with the Champion Beef Jerky t-shirt on.

Simon Cowell has lashed out at a campaign to get rap metal dons Rage Against The Machine to Christmas number one.

The Christmas number one slot is one of the most coveted achievements in British pop music. In the past such artists as Slade, The Beatles, Band Aid and more have scored memorable hits which have become ingrained in the public's consciousness.

However the recent boom in reality TV shows have provided the industry with a grip on the position. Last year Alexandra Burke scored the top spot with her version of 'Hallelujah' amid a hail of protests.

This year an online pressure campaign has emerged to get incendiary rap metal dons Rage Against The Machine to number one. The band reformed in 2007, memorably performing at T In The Park last summer.

The band's track 'Killing In The Name Of' is at the centre of the campaign, which has gathered over 550,000 supporters to a Facebook campaign group.

Now in a press conference X Factor baron Simon Cowell has claimed that the campaign is "stupid" and "cynical".

"If there's a campaign, and I think the campaign's aimed directly at me, it's stupid," he said in a press conference. The Independent reports that the music industry mogul went on to state that the campaign wouldn't actually harm him.

"Me having a Number One record at Christmas is not going to change my life particularly," he said. "It does however change these guys' lives and we put this opportunity there so that the winner of The X Factor gets the chance of having a big hit record."

"I think it's quite a cynical campaign geared at me which is actually going to spoil the party for these three (contestants). I also think it's incredibly dismissive of the people who watch and enjoy the show… to treat our audiences as if they're stupid and I don't like that."

• I'm still convinced that children are better than adults in regard to singing Christmas tunes
• I'm really not sure what all the hype is in Mormon Country, because every single member of the choir is ass ugly.
• Mr. Cheeks will someday mutate into Ed Herrman and narrate Christmas Specials, such as the one below.

Traditionally, Christmas is a time for giving, spending time with family, going “home for the holidays”, Santa, snow, singing carols, shopping, decorating the tree, putting up lights, eating honey baked hams, Frosty, Rudolph, Grinch, Charlie Brown, and “Don’t shoot your eye out.” For years, Christmas was the time of the year that some sort of sickness decided to show up in my body. Bronchitis occasionally paid a visit for a week. During the ten or so years that I wrestled, I would normally make friends with a ringworm or two, get a rash, or some sort of non-STD with a funky name. One time, Christmas brought an ACL tear, compliments of a Holiday Wrestling tournament – ironically. Another Christmas, my voice was completely gone for what would become a three month freakshow part of my life. All in all, none of the diseases, viruses, rashes, coughing, fevers, inability to speak, inability to walk, etc. really bothered me as much as one last issue that seems to show up around Christmas…the God Damned Cold Sore.

I’m not really sure how long these cold sores have come up, but I know it has been going on for quite some time. Up until this year, I treated the outbreaks with a bottle of Campho-Phenique, that was – I shit you not – from 1987. The treatment process is commonly a month long ordeal. Especially if the cold sore is located at the corner of my mouth, where the mere act of speaking, eating, yawning, screaming, etc., will cause it to crack open and set the process back at least -3 days. Eventually, they go away, but hell it’s annoying. If I excluded the gallons of orange juice and covering all food with hot sauce from my diet, it may speed up the healing process a little more, but I’d much rather blame the little green bottle from ’87 as the culprit though. On Day 1 of the infestation, I learned that Abreva was something to invest in. As soon as work was over, I went to the shady Kroger to pick up some Ab----, Am----, wait? What the hell was it called again? Ambien? No…that’s the stuff that gives you suicidal diahrrea. Just then, my mom gave me the traditional 7:30 phone call I describe as “the most inopportune time to call and check on me because I am always in the middle of something important, have my hands full, and absolutely cant talk on the phone.

Whats the cold sore stuff called? It starts with an “A.”

Campho-Phenique?

No, that starts with a “C.” And the bottle is older than PorkRice, so I’m not using that anymore.

Greg? Do you know what the cold sore stuff is called?

I don’t get cold sores.

No, but ya know…

Campho-Phenique?

Fuck, listen I gotta go.

So I ask the pharmacist.

Whats the cold sore stuff called that starts with an “A?”

Ohhh, Abreva? Its right here. Really good stuff.

She hands me the package, and makes sure she stares at the cold sore on my lip, and never…not once…looks me directly in the eye.

Really…good…stuff...

So I get out of Kroger and pull up in my driveway. As I load up all my crap to take into the house, the phone rings again. Mom.

What?!?!

Hey! That stuff is called Abreva…

Yeah…I know…but I gotta go…hands full…just got home…[random slurs].

To be better than, and/or to have done something better than another.

I just 1-uped your ass, Bitch!

Mario f*ing Princess Peach.

*Mario humping Peach* 1-up, 1-up, 1-up.....

any manuever to outdo an adversary.

MacGyver could 1-up anyone in any situation except his nemesis Murdoch.

An extra life(or extra man) that you need in order to progress through a video game. In fact, you'll need enough of these to make considerable progress. Especially if you suck at the game. 1-ups are usually risky and difficult to obtain as items.

Damn, Mark sure has a such a quick reaction time and alot of luck to beat Mario Bros on his first time playing it. He beat the whole game singlehandedly without relying on any 1-ups he earned! Mario surely must be happily spending all those 1-ups on Princess Toadstool in bed at this time!

Also can be another term for sexual intercourse. Shortened form of "1 dick up (one's) pussy or ass."

Damn, Mark really sucks at Mario Bros! He can't even get past the first level no matter how many attempts and always uses up his 1-ups! Mario must surely be getting all his 1-ups back indabutt from Bowser in his dungeon at this time!