Nov 12, 2009

How to Beat the Chipotle System

First a status update and then I'll get down to business. I scored my first blog Follower today, so I thought I would give a little shout out to Ms. Liz Boudewyns. If my memory is correct, she was the November 2003 Champion Beef Jerky Fan of the Month. It looks like November is her month, so hats off to ya Liz.

I also got some positive reviews from some of my pals at work for putting this up, so that's always a plus. I'll do my best to make this entertaining, although I will decline the suggestion to completely omit Michigan Football from any future discussions:: cough Brian cough cough::

Okay, so let's talk Chipotle. I'm the kind of guy that orders the same thing whenever he goes out to eat. Always. Olive Garden = Ravioli di Portobello. Cheesecake Factory = the salmon plate that ends up costing $50 when it's all said and done. Sonic = 44 oz. Lemon Berry fruit slush and a corn dog on the side. White Castle = Fuck that, we're not going there; I don't want my piss smelling like onions for two weeks. When I go to Chipotle, I get a steak and black bean burrito, with everything on it minus the guac. Easy enough, right? Wrong. Nothing in the world grinds my gears more and makes my brains want to explode out the back of my head than getting a half-ass made burrito just because I ordered "everything" on it. Here's a typical scenario of how this goes down, and how you can beat the system.

Scenario A:

Chipotle person: "Hola, what can I get you?"
Me: "Steak and black bean burrito."

Chipotle person whips out a tortilla, slams it in the hot steam press or whatever the hell that thing is, and warms up my tortilla. [During this time, they seem to spaz out and completely forget what planet they are on. Not sure why, but it seems to happen every single time, even with different people and different Chipotle locations.] Tortilla is done. It gets slapped on the foil, loaded up with steak, beans, rice, and passed down the assembly line.

Chipotle person: "What kind of sides would you like?"
Me: "Everything."

Chipotle person has confused look on their face. Then they grab their spoon and dish out half spoon fulls of toppings on my burrito. Let me repeat that. Half spoon fulls of toppings on my burrito.

Me: Sigh.

Chipotle person dribbles sour cream on the sauces, but for some reason forgets that cheese and lettuce is also included of my definition of "everything."

Me: "Ummm, yeah. Cheese and lettuce please." (Thinks to self: WTF?!?!?!?!?!!?)

Cheese and lettuce finally hit the spot.

Me: "No guac!"

Burrito is wrapped up, the sharpie comes out and a big "S" is drawn on it, and I proceed to checkout, disgruntled.

Scenario B:

Chipotle person: "Hola, what can I get you?"
Me: Smiling, "Steak and black bean burrito."

The process with the heating of the tortilla, blacking out while waiting for it to be heated up, adding of the steak, beans, and rice are all the same. Now here's where it gets interesting.

Chipotle person: "What kind of sides would you like?"
Me: Pretending it's my first time at Chipotle and I'm carefully reviewing the ingredients like my life depends on it, "Yes, I'll have that hot sauce right there."

Hot sauce added. And would you take a look at that. It’s a FULL spoon full of hot sauce. Now we're talking.

Chipotle person: "Anything else?"
Me: "Yeah, how about that other sauce there too. The green stuff."

Green sauce added. Full spoons.

Me: "Ohh, that corn sauce looks good too, go ahead and put some of that on there too."

Here comes the corn sauce.

Chipotle person: "Any-..."
Me: "Yes, could I have sour cream too?"

One big whipping of sour cream with my name on it. Mouth is watering at this point.

Me: "Oh, and some cheese and lettuce too." (No way to forget it this time, because I just told you.)

Handfulls of both get added on. Cool beans.

Me: "No guac, that will be all." (Booya bitch, I just ordered everything and you couldn't cheat me out of toppings because I just pulled a quick one on ya.)

When the burrito gets wrapped up, there’s a 50/50 chance it will bust and they will have to rewrap it. This part doesn't bother me much, because if it busts I know they did a good job with my toppings, plus it holds up the line and I automatically get the next tortilla that the dude on cloud 9 frying them up has a hard time comprehending at first, but he gets it out quick when emergencies such as this arise.

I pay for the burrito, eat it, and for about 15 minutes, all is well in the world.

So there you have it folks. Don't let Chipotle screw you over anymore. At least until you get home.