Nov 15, 2009

How to: Bathrooms

The image you are staring at right now is not some picture I randomly stole from the Internet. Actually, it's the aftermath of a Halloween party I had during the 2006 reign of terror that just so happened to be my residence during my senior year of college, otherwise known as 224 Kiefaber - "The Carnival of Sin."

Now I could spend days upon days upon days upon days analyzing this photo (and trust me, I have) in regard to how many menstruating hogs were slaughtered minutes before this Kodak moment was snapped, but I would rather spend a little bit of time talkng about something they never teach you in school, something your mommies and daddies never taught you, something you may or may not have picked up on you own...and that is, how to properly conduct yourself while you are trying to piss, shit, and/or puke in a bathroom.

First off, let me get a few things clear. Number One: Girls don't poo or fart. It's all rose petals and pink perfume. I'll argue this until the day I die, and if you've known me long enough, you have probably heard me say this at least once. Number Two: Don't say to yourself, "Ewww he's writing about!" Hey guess what, it's a fact of life and since it happens on a daily basis, in a variety of places, you might as well be prepared or at least take a little look into a new
perspective. Number Three: Feedback is always appreciated, especially on this topic. I'm not going to cover all the scenarios, so any additions you might want to add will be accepted (unless it contradicts point Number One). Finally Number Four: #1 = pee, #2 = poo, #3 = puke.

Home Sweet Home

This one is pretty simple. If you live alone, you are free to do #1, #2, and #3 at your own free will with little to no interruptions or consequences. You can take your time, leave the seat up, and forget to flush. The only time you might need to break these rules is if you expect company over, in which case you might want to make sure that proper upkeep in maintained and that everything is kept respectable. I try to do the latter all the time, yet I'm not losing sleep on if I left the seat up in case someone might unexpectedly drop by. The same rules apply if you are going over to a friends place, but you might need to keep a few things in mind. Don't piss on the seats, don't forget to flush, and if their married or living with a chick, and the toilet seat was down when you originally went in, put the seat back down. Also, don't accidentally lock yourself in the bathroom if the doorknob is jacked up and everyone is outside, or it might be a long time until someone notices you are missing and is able to come to the rescue. True story.

Public Restooms

Two comments on public restrooms. If your taking a piss with all of your buddies at the same time, spouting out something like "Hey is this where all the Dicks hang out?" or something of the like is perfectly acceptable. If you're by yourself, avoid comments such as that at all costs. Secondly, don't fuck up the urinal game. See the pictures below.

In the first scenario, since you have the bathroom to yourself, it's safe to pick any of the urinals.

In the second scenario, since someone is already taking a leak in Urinal 1, your best option would be to select Urinal 5.

In the third scenario, since someone is in Urnial 1, and the next guy picked Urinal 3 for some reason, then Urinal 5 would again be your best bet. Under no circumstances should you opt to go with Urinal 2.

One last point I would like to make about public restrooms is that sometimes you will run into a time when there is a mass exodus to go to the bathroom at the same time, such as after a movie, and several dudes flood the bathroom at the same time. If all the urinals get snatched up and the last one remaining is the little one that's a foot off the ground for the kid that just learned how to walk/take a piss, and it's obvious that the guy in the one next to it is chuckling at you for leaving you with this one, it is acceptable to state, "Hey that's OK chief, I needed the extra room anyway."

Corporate America

During a given 8 hour day at work, I will consume at least 100 oz. of water. My bladder is about the size of a pea. So that equates to about 10 trips to the restroom on a normal day, at least once every hour. Here's a few observations I've made about Corporate America bathroom experiences, and this doesn't just apply to my current place of employment, but more of a standard procedure, if you'd call it that. First, the bathroom isn't a place I really want to socialize in. I get my business done, wash my hands, and I'm on my way. I won't pipe up a conversation with the random guy I see in the hallways every once in awhile unless he says something first. And that's normally followed up with a "yeah, dirka dirka dirka, welp have a good one." It's also not my place to comment on the Havana Omelet someone is dropping in one of the stalls, or the dualing fart banjo's that I'm hearing take place between stalls one and two. I'm definitely not going to proclaim "Oh yea baby, you sing that song!" and especially not "Hey, is this where the Dicks hang out?" Secondly, I try to do my absolute best not to have to pull a #2 at work. I just don't like it. Refer to Home Sweet Home. However, as the saying goes, "When you gotta go, you gotta go." So when this happens, I try to seek out a secluded place accross the building, on a different floor, and/or on a remote island somewhere, so that I'm not to be disturbed.


Probably the most disgusting things ever. Ladies, I feel for you on this one. Try not to touch anything, hold your breathe while your in there, and get out as soon as you can. Also don't forget to lock the door, because if there's 100 people waiting in line to be in the position you're in, you don't want someone flinging the door to expose your backside (or worse) for all to see. But make it quick, there's no reason to be fucking around in there.

Road Trips

If you are driving long distances, and have to stop frequently to compensate for the big gulps you are inhaling, try to stop out a familiar fast food joint. I watched an entire special on McDonalds one time and discovered an interesting fact. They did a study back in the day and found out that keeping their bathrooms clean has a big impact on their bottom line, so they do their best to make sure that their bathrooms don't look like the bathroom scene out of Desperado. So if you have to stop anywhere, that's where I would suggest. Gas stations can be shady and rest stops are even shadier.


Stadium bathrooms are a beast of their own and an inevitable tradition at halftime. Each are unique, but basically compromise all of the above rules. Get in and get out. Keep your head up and having fun pissing in the pig trough. If the stadium is operational sound, you should be able to get in, find a spot as soon as an opening presents itself, get your business done, and wrap it up. Avoid looking at the little kid that drops his pants down to his ankles (although I can't help but laugh when I see it happen, out of my peripheral vision of course, because I was the same way when I was little).

College Parties

I don't know who destroyed my bathroom in reference to the picture at the top, but if I find you, it won't be pretty. Try not to do that again.