Nov 30, 2009

The Crystal Skull

Over the weekend I was presented with the opportunity to wet my taste buds with some delicious vodka from a crystal skull. I’m not a big vodka fan, however, it is a necessary ingredient of Bloody Mary’s, so I had to make amends with the vodka Gods a long time ago to make this all work out. Even if you despise vodka, it has a surprisingly good taste to it. Compared to Korski or Kamchatka, the crystal skull juices would be like honey, whereas your favorite $10 jug of Russian moonshine would be like dipping your head in Ohio River and taking a gulp. The box has a fun saying on it, which almost makes me nervous to even shelter this phenomenon in my freezer. It reads:

“One of the most compelling archeological mysteries is the story of the Crystal heads. These heads are believed to be between 5,000 and 35,000 years old and were carved over a period of several hundred years but without any tool marks. In fact their very construction defies the laws of physics and common logic. They are believed to offer spiritual power to those who hold or possess them.”


The top of the box reads:

“In reverence of those enlightened after touching any of the thirteen crystal heads unearthed around our globe we offer this pure spirit.”

I wonder what these special spiritual powers actual consist of? The results are still inconclusive, but after a little bit of investigating on Saturday night, here are some of the conclusions I have drawn up so far.

Crystal Skull Power #1: Grants the imbiber the ability to send text messages at 3am that they will totally not remember until the next morning.

Crystal Skull Power #2: Grants the beholder the power to completely destroy his kitchen, living room, bath room, and any other room in the house, unknowingly. The aftermath will take days to clean up.

Crystal Skull Power #3: Grants the poor soul the inability to perform basic functions the following day of consuming the contents. This individual will be confined to a bed or couch for a 24 hour period and will require at least 500 oz. of fluids to keep vital signs positive.

I will post any new findings as research and weekends allow. Cheers.