
I hate Ohio State.
“When your team is winning, be ready to be tough, because winning can make you soft; on the other hand, when your team is losing, stick by them. Keep believing.” – Bo Schembechler.
The year was 2003. I was a sophomore in college. When I walked out of Michigan Stadium on a beautiful November day, after a 35-21 Michigan victory over the defending National Champion Ohio State Buckeyes, you could not wipe the smile off of my face. I drove back to Dayton with two of my college friends, one a U-M fan, the other, an unfortunate OSU fan. The entire ride back from Ann Arbor we listened to Queen’s “We are the Champions.” Full blast. Windows down. On repeat. For two and a half hours. We got back to UD and I partied my ass off that night. I had on my Invincible Cape, stood on top of my Crystal Palace, and life could not get better.
Fast forward six years. To describe what it has been like to be a die-hard Michigan football supporter living in Ohio on a daily basis could be summed up simply as standing on the wrong side of shit hitting the fan. And I’m not talking about a couple of rabbit turds getting chucked into a desk fan every few seconds. I’m talking about digesting the massive triceratops shit pile from Jurassic Park through an industrial-sized fan on full blast—60 mph, right in the teeth.
To combat the onslaught of dung hitting me in the face every single day and being curb stomped by some fat, slobbering bandwagon Buckeye idiot, I took up the “knowledge is power” approach, AKA a sport snob. By definition, according to Urban Dictionary, a sport snob is “someone who believes that their vast and ultimately unnecessary knowledge of sports makes them a better sports watcher. They will often ridicule, or speak condescendingly towards someone of lesser sports knowledge.” Unnecessary knowledge or not, I’ll be damned if I’m going to be ridiculed for wearing a Michigan t-shirt in public by someone wearing scarlet and gay colors that they snagged off the $1 rack at Goodwill. Hey guess what, buddy, I heard that “Michigan sucks” remark as you walked passed me, and if you turn around waiting for my response, get ready to be verbally raped. “Who do you guys play next week? Oh you don’t know? How about name me three players on the current roster? Don’t know that either? Who is the coach? [Insert obscenities here].”
To become the Michigan sport snob that I would consider myself to be, I initiated an obsess---, err, a hobby, with staying caught-up on the latest wolverine football news, reading books on the U-M/OSU rivalry, and constantly refreshing a dozen U-M blogs, websites, and forums every spare chance I got. To say the least, I have a pretty good grasp on things going on at the Big House, how recruiting is going, stats for the players, the Vegas line on upcoming games, you name it. And mind you, this primarily took place during the past five-year winless, frustrating, hair-pulling, nail-biting, random object throwing, door punching, turning cell phone off during games, binge drinking, anti-social, totally unapproachable, yet exciting time of my life.
During my senior year of college, I took a communication class that required showing up an hour each week for half a semester. The syllabus essentially stated that the requirements for this course was to a) not be retarded and b) stand up in front of the class and give a speech. As I read this, I began to ponder what I would talk about for a few minutes in front of a bunch of strangers. I was drawing a blank until I caught something that the instructor said. Wait a second, what was that? She’s an Ohio State alum? Bingo. Topic for my speech = Why Michigan is better than OSU. For the remainder of the course, I busted my ass researching facts, practicing my speech, and developing a convincing, yet fact-based speech on my love-fest for Michigan. I nailed the speech, which by far was the best in the class. What grade did I get, from the OSU alum you might ask? B+. That’s right, B+. I could have talked about how I enjoyed to smell my own farts for 5 minutes and pulled an easy A-. Whatever.
The list goes on and on. If I go to the gas station to pay for gas or pick up some beers, and I’ve got anything Michigan on, and I flash my Ohio ID, I typically get some snide remark like “Oh, well it looks like you’re in the wrong state, now aren’t ya?!” You know what, your absolutely correct there Brutus, I am, and you work at a gas station. I used to have a Michigan themed credit card. I paid that off and cut it up for fiscal responsibility reasons, but I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t take shit for it anytime I bought something. Maybe I ask for it by showing support for my team, year-round. But I also don’t go on a head hunting vendetta to insult anyone I can that provides any inclination that they cheer for Ohio State. Maybe I should.