Dec 13, 2010

How To of the Week: Airports


How To of the Week: Airports

  • Don't be an idiot.
  • Move fast.
  • Figure out where you are going before you get there.
  • Get your boarding pass.
  • Put all of your belongings in the security check-point bins with a quickness.
  • Walk through the X-ray scanner.
  • If you go through the new airport security thing, put your hands behind your head press your elbows back like your trying to pop your boobs out of your shirt. [Seriously. I got flagged to go through the new scanner at 5am and they instructed me to do the same maneuver. After I walked out of the new X-ray contraption, I had to stand in limbo-land and create small talk with the homeland security guy until i was waved to go through. I powers at be detected some sort of "threat" in my head and radioed in to the security guy to double check my head for possible security threats. He inspected my head but didn't find anything. My best guess is that my GOLDEN BRAINS set the scanners off. That's alright, I can live with that.]
  • Figure out the gate you have to go to.
  • Make a mental note of your boarding time.
  • Also make a note of your seat number and boarding zone number.
  • Sit and wait.
  • Get in line when your boarding zone is called, and refresh your memory as to where you will be sitting.
  • Walk down the ramp and prepare to board the plane.
  • Walk down the aisle to your seat.
  • Secure your carry-on bag as fast as possible and sit your ass down. This should take no longer than 10 seconds after you are standing in the row of your seat.
  • Fly.
  • Land.
  • Grab your bag, and evacuate the plane as fast as you can.
  • Stay out of every one's way.
  • Run to your next way point and repeat the steps above or exit the airport.

The key here, folks, is to know what you are doing, where you are going, and to move fast. The airport is not a place to walk around like you have your head cut off and wonder around aimlessly trying to get in other peoples way. Move move move. Go go go.