Aug 3, 2010

How To of the Week: Survive A Shark Attack

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How To of the Week: Survive A Shark Attack

My greatest fear in the entire world is to be trapped in shark infested waters and eaten alive by a 20 foot Great White Shark. In honor of Shark Week - AKA the greatest week of television ever - I have put together some thoughts to combat this fear that I have collected through years of watching every shark documentary and movie that I come across.

There are two ways to approach surviving a shark attack. First, there are some obvious and not-so-obvious considerations to take to avoid becoming the next hot meal for some lucky shark out there. The best way to not get attacked by a shark is to stay out of the water. This is easier said than done, I suppose, because sometimes shit happens. Boats sink. Planes crash. So what happens if you find yourself in the ocean? If there are no sharks around to your knowledge, make sure you are not bleeding for some reason. Sharks can smell blood from three miles away. Also, don't piss in the pool. Sharks can smell urine, too. Sharks also sense fear, so a racing heart beat and screaming bloody murder is the equivalent to ringing a huge dinner bell. Speaking of dinner bells, try not to make to make too much noise if you are in the water. Sharks are attracted to foreign sounds, such as an oar hitting the water or even plastic or metal objects clanging together. Try not to wear bright, neon colored clothes. That hot pink Speedo might look dazzling on the beach, but in the middle of the ocean, it's a target for sharks. Stay in groups instead of spreading out. Sharks are more prone to go after someone swimming solo that a pack of several terrified people clumped up in a ball. Don't go into the ocean when it's dark or murky because this is the time of the day when sharks are most active and it's the hardest time to see them. Finally, pay attention to signs on the beach, if you see a sign that says "stay out of ocean, shark-attack zone" or something like that, it's probably there for good reason.

Okay, so let's say the worst thing ever happens and a shark attacks. It smelled your blood/pee/fear and it's coming after you. The best chance for survival is to fight back, aim for the nose, eyes, and/or gills.Sharks are really sensitive at the front of their nose or snout. If you have a lot of fillings in your mouth and have even bitten down really hard on a ball of foil, that is what a shark feels if you punch it in the face. So yeah, do that. Arm yourself with a weapon. If you have access to anything like a speargun, fishing pole, AK-47, telephone books, rubber chicken, or anything like that, use it. If you hit the shark with an object enough times, it will probably cut its losses and go after something that is not trying to beat the shit out of it. If the shark does bite you, try to treat the wound. Bleeding will only bring more sharks and decrease your chance of survival. Last but not least, get the hell out of the water. Pray to whatever god you believe in that a comes to your rescue, land is within swimming distance, or you wake up from a horrific nightmare.

Since we're talking about sharks, I thought this would be a good time to plug in the greatest movie line in the history of movies, from Shark Attack 3: Megaladon.



How To NOT Survive A Shark Attack