Aug 31, 2010

X's and O's



If you like football, I would highly recommend watching this video. Yes, it has Meeeechigan all over it, but it gets into the more interesting part of football, you know, actually talking about football. It also debunks every myth that I hear on a daily basis. Do it.

Off Tackle Empire Blog interview with Rich Rodriguez from Graham Filler on Vimeo.

Aug 30, 2010

Five

Five more days til College Football. Five more days until I am forced to look/listen to Mark May, Dr. Lou, Herbie, Corso, and Pam Ward. Five.
Aug 29, 2010

Butterfly Effect


Butterfly Effect: Almost flipping your SUV over after discovering a huge butterfly pinned to the roof of your car.
Aug 20, 2010

Facebook Places

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Yes! First person to Check In at the China Garden. Next stop: My bathroom.
Aug 19, 2010

Church Blog
































Even God loves Journey.
Aug 18, 2010

Professional Model

The Droid 2 came out recently. I got an email at work with the following picture enclosed:


My initial thought was, "Umm, okay. What does this mean? Why the Hell did he edit my picture on to the screen of this Droid?" And then it hit me. That isn't me. It's a look-alike me. Well hot damn. I'll just go ahead and pretend it is me. But even then, this isn't my first modeling rodeo, cowboy. You see, a few years ago I modeled for a sweet Science Fair display board type of contraption, as seen below:

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Kyle Terry. Professional Model. BAM.
/end self-loathing blog

Aug 14, 2010

How To of the Week: Magic Card Trick

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How To of the Week: Magic Card Trick

This week's How To is one that I believe everyone should do. Here is why: It is a magic trick. Magic tricks are cool. If you are in a social situation that involves playing cards, this How To will make you the most popular person at the social gathering you are at. Chicks dig magic tricks. Perfecting the trick takes practice. If you are confined to a cubicle all day and need something to occupy your time, this is an excellent opportunity. Every man (or woman) should know at least one good card trick, just as everyone should have at least one good joke that they can pull out if needed. I have busted this trick out for almost 10 years now, and every time I do it the audience is amazed. Regardless of your situation, if you perfect this trick, you will be awesome in someone's eyes. For example, let's say you are a 500 pounds, haven't showered in months, are covered head-to-toe in pimples, and just ate a dozen onions. You could walk up to a supermodel, ask her if she would like to see a magic trick, of course she will oblige, and then you can bust this shit out and be THE MAN for at least 10 seconds. So yes, this is cool. So read up, watch the videos that I have compiled for two different music oriented demographics, and dominate the next Euchre night.

How To Make a Playing Card Appear Out of Thin Air:

Place a card in between your index finger and pinky finger. The card should be "squeezed" in between the two fingers as demonstrated below.


Make sure the card is not visible between your fingers.


Grip the card with your index and pinky fingers and pull the card forward while sliding your middle and ring fingers behind the card. [The best way to illustrate this (aside from the actual illustration) is basically hold out your arm, put up the bull horns, and then bring your middle two fingers towards your face. That is essentially the maneuver your are doing with the card].


Flip the card with the middle two fingers to your palm while securing the card with the index and pinky fingers.


Slide the middle two fingers behind the card and give a big thumbs up for good measure.


Present the card to your audience and observe the face melting that follows.


... aaaaaand HU-ZAAA. A magic trick! BA-DA-BING.

And now for the final version. I recorded two different videos. The first one is if you like Queen. The second is if you are a Thug. Pick your poison. Do or die. The choice is yours.

Classic Rock Version of Card Trick


Gangsta Rap Version of Card Trick


[On a side note, this blog took me about 3 hours to put together because stupid fucking Youtube does not allow copyrighted material in the uploaded videos that are longer than 30 seconds. So I had to record the video featuring Magic Stick multiple times until I was able to figure this out. Oh well].

Aug 11, 2010

Bagpipes



Bagpipes + Trying to Play Them for 30 Seconds = Intense Migraine

The Boll Weevils




A list of the 20 Most Bizarre College Sports Mascots mentions your friend, the lovable Boll Weevil, at #14. According to the breakdown of mascots,

Yes, the University of Arkansas' mascot is the scary Razorback, but the Monticello campus of the university is represented by a tiny gray bug that is really only scary to cotton plants. But when the University of Arkansas at Monticello was founded in 1909, cotton was still the major product in the state and the boll weevil was truly dreaded - it can wipe out an entire crop almost instantaneously. Since most of the students of the day were sons and daughters of cotton farmers, they selected the boll weevil as their mascot for the fear it strikes in the hearts of its enemy.

This caught my attention because at least a dozen times a day I call my dog "Bo Weevil" or "Mr. Bo Weevil." If you're scratching your head and trying to figure out why the hell a Boll Weevil sounds vaguely familiar, it's probably because you saw this commercial:

Another notable mention from the list of bizarre mascots is the Rhode Island School of Design's Scrotie. That is correct, folks, there is a scrotum mascot flopping around on the East Coast. The Rhode Island School of Design, or RISD for short, is in fact real. I double-checked and found that they have a website to prove it.

I bet this guy gets all the chicks.


Aug 10, 2010

Possible Zombie Sightings!



Get the "OHHHH Shit!" bags ready. Today, I came across several possible zombie sightings. I checked the Zombie Survival Guide that I just happened to have sitting next to my desk for the proper explanation of what was going on.

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I underlined the important parts in orange. It looks like we have anywhere from 24-hours to two weeks to act.

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Now, let's take a look at my discoveries.

Exhibit A

Minutes after being bitten by a zombie, this man loses his mind and dances into incoming traffic. Perhaps it was in an act of desperation in order to save his friends from himself.


Exhibit B

On her way to McDonald's to grab some Egg McMuffins, McNuggets, and Hotcakes, a woman is bitten by a zombie. By the time she reaches the drive-thru window, she no longer craves a greasy mound of breakfast food. Instead, she flips out and orders up some McBRAINS!


Exhibit C

I recently downloaded the ZSG: Zombie Survival Guide Scanner @pp to run tests on loved ones to see if they are infected by a zombie.


The results were scary.

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Mom

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PorkRice

I did not bother scanning Greg Terry because he is immune to zombie bites.

Exhibit D


Giant rapper turned car-eating-zombie.

There you have it, folks. You have been warned.

JetBlue Airline Attendant Says F-You!

Talk about a shitty way to start off your day! I'm not cool with people messing around with airplanes, but I'll make an exception for this dude. It takes some giant balls to pull this Falling Down move off, that's for damn sure.

According to
Yahoo! News...

Police arrested a JetBlue flight attendant today at New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport after he got into a verbal altercation with a passenger and then fled the scene by sliding down the plane's emergency evacuation chute.
It all happened as the plane pulled into the gate at JFK after what had been a routine flight from Pittsburgh. But shortly after landing, a passenger stood up as the plane was taxiing to the gate and began removing his bags from the overhead bin. According to the Wall Street Journal's Sean Gardiner, the flight attendant, identified as Steven Slater, asked the passenger to return to his seat.
A "heated" exchange ensued, which culminated in Slater walking to the rear of the plane, where he grabbed the intercom. "To the passenger who called me a motherf***er, f*** you!" Slater yelled, passengers tell the New York Daily News. "I've been in the business 28 years. I've had it. That's it." He activated the emergency chute and slid away.
Slater then walked along the jetway into the terminal, where he took a shuttle to the employee parking lot. Observers watched as he ripped off his JetBlue tie and threw it to the ground. Slater got into his vehicle and drove to his home in Queens. According to the New York Times' Ray Rivera, he was arrested shortly afterward and faces charges of criminal mischief and trespassing.
A source tells WNBC that Slater was "having a bad day."

Aug 6, 2010

Sub Zero


Cheeks is about to arrive at my house. As Pandora's Box slowly opens, one thing is certain... Mortal Kombat will be played extensively, I will be Sub Zero, Cheeks will be Scorpion, and I will kick his ass. Down+Forward+A+Uppercut FTW. On a side note, I think I found a Halloween costume idea for later this year.


Oh, and in case you haven't seen/heard about it, here is the new MK trailer for a kickass new movie coming out in the future.



Aug 3, 2010

Rant of the Week: Concert Freaks




Rant of the Week: Concert Freaks

I am all for the Freedom of Expression. I understand the concept of getting dressed up for a concert.

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I cannot, however, wrap my mind around some of the people I encounter at concerts, and more importantly, what in the world do they do for a living?

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Where do they go to work on Monday after their acid trip wears off?

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Who employs people with crazy ass facial tattoos with a mohawk and a bull ring hanging out of their nose?

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Did they survive the car ride home after pounding $11 Budweisers and failing to stand upright in the middle of the afternoon?

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How To of the Week: Survive A Shark Attack

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How To of the Week: Survive A Shark Attack

My greatest fear in the entire world is to be trapped in shark infested waters and eaten alive by a 20 foot Great White Shark. In honor of Shark Week - AKA the greatest week of television ever - I have put together some thoughts to combat this fear that I have collected through years of watching every shark documentary and movie that I come across.

There are two ways to approach surviving a shark attack. First, there are some obvious and not-so-obvious considerations to take to avoid becoming the next hot meal for some lucky shark out there. The best way to not get attacked by a shark is to stay out of the water. This is easier said than done, I suppose, because sometimes shit happens. Boats sink. Planes crash. So what happens if you find yourself in the ocean? If there are no sharks around to your knowledge, make sure you are not bleeding for some reason. Sharks can smell blood from three miles away. Also, don't piss in the pool. Sharks can smell urine, too. Sharks also sense fear, so a racing heart beat and screaming bloody murder is the equivalent to ringing a huge dinner bell. Speaking of dinner bells, try not to make to make too much noise if you are in the water. Sharks are attracted to foreign sounds, such as an oar hitting the water or even plastic or metal objects clanging together. Try not to wear bright, neon colored clothes. That hot pink Speedo might look dazzling on the beach, but in the middle of the ocean, it's a target for sharks. Stay in groups instead of spreading out. Sharks are more prone to go after someone swimming solo that a pack of several terrified people clumped up in a ball. Don't go into the ocean when it's dark or murky because this is the time of the day when sharks are most active and it's the hardest time to see them. Finally, pay attention to signs on the beach, if you see a sign that says "stay out of ocean, shark-attack zone" or something like that, it's probably there for good reason.

Okay, so let's say the worst thing ever happens and a shark attacks. It smelled your blood/pee/fear and it's coming after you. The best chance for survival is to fight back, aim for the nose, eyes, and/or gills.Sharks are really sensitive at the front of their nose or snout. If you have a lot of fillings in your mouth and have even bitten down really hard on a ball of foil, that is what a shark feels if you punch it in the face. So yeah, do that. Arm yourself with a weapon. If you have access to anything like a speargun, fishing pole, AK-47, telephone books, rubber chicken, or anything like that, use it. If you hit the shark with an object enough times, it will probably cut its losses and go after something that is not trying to beat the shit out of it. If the shark does bite you, try to treat the wound. Bleeding will only bring more sharks and decrease your chance of survival. Last but not least, get the hell out of the water. Pray to whatever god you believe in that a comes to your rescue, land is within swimming distance, or you wake up from a horrific nightmare.

Since we're talking about sharks, I thought this would be a good time to plug in the greatest movie line in the history of movies, from Shark Attack 3: Megaladon.



How To NOT Survive A Shark Attack

Aug 1, 2010

Shark Week!