Jul 13, 2010

Rant of the Week: Vuvuzelas



Rant of the Week: Vuvuzelas

The World Cup is finally over (thank you sweet baby Jesus). I no longer have to sift through Facebook statuses of people cheering for countries they could otherwise give two shits about. I don't have to listen about which team of faggety crybabies will manage to score one goal after 90+ minutes of running around in circles to the tune of "Yakety Sax" that provides less entertainment than my dog chasing a laser pointer around the house for 90 seconds. I no longer have to hear people or commercials yell "GGGOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLL!" or how soccer is some sort of amazing sport all of a sudden and will make a comeback someday. The last piece of the World Cup puzzle that I am a little afraid will not go into hibernation for 4-years is probably the most annoying of it all. That's right babycakes, I'm talking about the vuvuzela... AKA the annoying piece of shit plastic stadium horn that blasts a deafening monotone shriek that instantly kills kittens and causes baby seals to get clubbed all over the world. That vuvuzela.

The only time in my life I have supported a plastic horn type of device in the sporting arena was during the first season debut of the Dayton Bombers Hockey team. I attended many a game that would bring out Dayton's finest to eat popcorn, get wasted, watch hockey, and instigate fights. During one cherished memory, I recall watching a fan pour an entire beer into a vuvuzela-like contraption and then blow it out all over the crowd. After the moment, the memory is a little fuzzy, but I believe that was the same fan that got grabbed by some dude that was bigger than him and had his face smashed on the glass surrounding the rink. That was a good use of plastic horns. Blowing them constantly for an entire soccer game is not cool. When I watched my first and last soccer game ever, when U.S. got beat by Ghana, the experiment of proving to myself why soccer is retarded was further proven from the constant blaring of vuvuzelas during the entire match. Who in the hell wants to watch anything that has a constant "WOOOOOOOMMMMMM" drumming in the background. One horn is annoying enough. Times that by 60,000+ and it's a tradegy.

But fear not my friends, they will be banned from NCAA College Football stadiums, so at least that is one last thing to worry about. In addition, Gandalf also hates these damned things.