Jul 30, 2010

Just When I Thought I Knew It All...



[Soundtrack: Styx - "Miss America"]

JMFG once shared a heart-felt story with me about how a woman gave birth to a baby one day...


This woman, HOWEVA, apparently did not put any sort of rational thought as to what she would name her kid, so instead she left it up for grabs while she was laying in her bed after shooting a living creature out of her vagina. After the birth, the woman delivered the placenta.

Before I go any further, please allow me to state that there are a lot of things in this world that I am completely insensitive to watching, understanding, and/or believing. For whatever reason, I can watch someone get shot point-blank in the face with a shotgun, ran over by a semi, eaten by a grizzly bear, or decapitated by a guillotine due to some freak magic trick on Youtube or Faces of Death or whatever and it doesn't really affect me. And trust me, I have seen a whole lot. But the mere thought of a placenta, or a sack filled with goo and juices and God knows what else, is something that I can't sit down and eat a plate stacked full of pizza rolls thinking about.

So back to the new mom. She's laying in a bed, just gave birth to a baby, and doesn't know what to name her kid. I'm going to assume that this pla-placent-placenta wasn't really part of her game-plan, let alone acknowledging the fact that she would have to shoot this thing out after plopping out a kid. So she delivers the placenta. After hearing the nurse mumble something along the lines of, "That's a 10-4, the egg is in the nest, the PLACENTA has landed," this idiot mom likes the sound of that word. So she goes and names her kid "Placenta." I have heard lots of stories, seen plenty of crazy shit, but as far as this situation goes... I have no words.

Some people will actually deliver a placenta and then take the bloody sack of goo and plant it under a tree and call it a "Birth Tree." The nutrients from the bag of whatever are symbolized and even idolized through the representation of this tree that is growing over a disgusting mass of... disgusting mass. In addition, and even worse, is the people I would consider to be cannibals/mentally insane, you know, the ones that will actually take the placenta and fry it up and eat it likes it's a Salisbury steak.

Again, I have no words. Just when I thought I knew it all...