Jun 1, 2010

How To: Prevent Your Nipples From Bleeding


How To of the Week: Prevent Your Nipples From Bleeding

Something happened to me today that never happened before. I mean, it was bound to take place at some point in my life. Perhaps I always took it for granted. I shrugged off the warnings from friends and family that advised that I take proper precautions to avoid the inevitable from occurring. I have even personally warned people of the dangers of running under certain circumstances. Sadly, it all caught up with me today. After a three mile run at the gym this evening, I came to grasp the horrible realization that one of my nipples was bleeding.



I remember the first time I saw a bloody nipple like it was yesterday. While volunteering for the USAF Marathon several years ago, I manned the sponge station and passed out wet sponges to runners as they went by. This station was at one of the later mile markers, so by the time people got to that point in the race, their body had taken a beating. At some point, I recall seeing a man run by with a white shirt on. Practically pouring out of the location where his nipples would be were two bloody streaks going all the way down the shirt. I was a little confused as to what I had seen, but then another person ran by with the same epidemic. And then another. And another. I was able to put 2 and 2 together eventually, and have had nightmares ever since.

The science behind this tragedy goes something like this: Person goes for long distance run. Shirt rubs on person's nipple. Person sweats. Shirt keeps rubbing. As time passes, the nipple becomes raw and starts to bleed. In extreme cases, this is followed by a gruesome death that words cannot describe and the mind cannot conceive. In my personal opinion, a bloody nipple is worse than chaffed thighs and/or a chaffed asshole.

There are a few precautions one can take to prevent your nipples from bleeding.

1) Thick Layer of Chest Hair
For years, my claim to fame was that the thick, burly, bear skin coat of matted hair on my chest doubled as insulation from the cold winter elements and a safeguard against my nipples from bleeding. Having a nice layer of hair cushion between the nipple and the t-shirt traditionally kept me protected from the pain of a busted up nipple. Well tonight proved to be wrong, which leads me to believe that...

2) Wearing Under Armour
Ever since I started running, I have always worn a layer of Under Armour with another shirt made of similar material on top. I think Under Armour is the key ingredient here simply because the shirt I wore tonight was also made of similar material, but was not actually Under Armour, and now has a blood stain to prove it.

3) Band-Aids
Wearing Band-Aids is a good step to preventing your nipples from bleeding. The only problem is they fall off easily. And there is a better, more kick-ass alternative.

4) NIP GUARDS!
Nip Guards have been tested to the extreme and are the ultimate protection for the poor little nipples. Check out their website, order some, and buy a nifty t-shirt from them also.

5) All of the above
If you are really paranoid, I would opt for a perfect scenario of growing out some chest hair, firmly securing Nip Guards on your nipples, and throwing on some Under Armour on top.

I hope this helps. Cheers.