May 5, 2010

Grand Theft Auto: China Buffet


I went to China Garden Buffet with PorkRice last night. It is always a magical place of hope and mystery, yet the results are always the same. The hours leading up to the buffet are filled with anticipation and angst to sink my teeth into some D-quality food that been sitting around all day. During the 45 minutes of feasting, happiness is all around. The 24 hours that follow, especially the immediate 3-10 hours, are filled with despair and regret. Such is life.


The eating part of the China Buffet is only half of the experience. The other half is made up of people watching and hardcore judgment. Yesterday proved to be no exception. Once I filled up my first plate, I began eating/scoping out the scenery. The first thing I noticed was two males sitting in the booth next to us. They were both on their cell phones the entire time. I tried not to listen in on their conversations, but I did pick up on one comment that went something like this:

Well you tell that mothafucka that if he shows his face around here again it aint gunna be pretty...and tell that bitch ass to pay up...cuz I like my money.

Two things came to mind after hearing it. First was Brad Pitt in Inglorious Bastards going,

...And I want my scalps!


Second was the quote that's burned into my mind from playing GTA: San Andreas for countless hours,

Don't be such a busta, C.J.!


So I'm sitting in the middle of a video game it seems, when I look up and see the next clown sitting across from me. And I'll be god damned if it isn't the fat annoying asshole Otho from Beetlejuice. After careful thought, I realized that it wasn't his role from Beetlejuice but from Demolition Man, you know, the fat gay guy with the blond stripe in his hair. See below for visual confirmation.




By the time I got my second plate, the booth behind me was filled up with a bunch of little kids that decided they were going to kick the back of my seat the whole time.

To my left was a lady sitting in a booth by herself. She came for the crab legs. And she had her plate stacked high the entire time. I watched her for a little bit. She just sat there all depressed, eating crab legs, with a look on her face that she was one of those types that often frequents the China Buffet and fills her tum tum with bad crab meat more times than she probably should.

Another gem from the two dudes working their cell phones,

I know, nigga. You be workin' hard. You got your blood, sweat, and tears into this...

Perrrrrrfect. I get up to get my last plate which is made up of the bananas covered in red goo, some chocolate pudding, and a couple apple slices. Our waitress brings us the bill and my fortune cookie, which I have been anxiously waiting for. I crack it open faster than my friend to the left is snapping through crab legs and read the fortune.

The food here taste so good, even a cave man likes it.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?! That's not even a fortune! And the cave man line was fucked up. Grrrrrrr.

So we cash out and leave. No tips warranted. Walking outside, I see a man sprinting across the parking lot, away from us. I make a random zombie comment and proceed to my car. Right about the time I got to my door, I look up to see the man speed walking towards me.

Hey man, can you help me out?

Door opens, I get inside, and tell PorkRice to get the fuck in the car. Now. He must not have heard what the shady man said, but I wasn't waiting to find out what he needed help with. This isn't my first rodeo. If it was an emergency, he could have gone to one of the businesses and used the phone. If he needed a ride to his buddies house 3 miles down the street since he locked his keys in his car, he can walk or run. I ran 50+ miles in 30 hours a month ago. I'm sure he can walk right down the road.

So that's my story. Just a typical trip to the buffet. All it was missing was an AK-47, a few hand grenades, police sirens, and a huge purple dildo tucked away in a bathroom stall, and I might as well have been in San Andreas.